09/03/2026
Become Who You Already Are
By Richard Brown, SDT
Back when I first started practicing, I attended a retreat at the Kansas Zen Center. Their retreats began at 5:30 AM, and they didn’t serve any coffee. Not being a morning person, I’d forced myself to get up before 5:00. The sky was as dark as my mood. After breakfast I had one of my first interviews. As I sat down, my head pounding from an early caffeine withdrawal headache, the teacher asked how I was. Not wanting to be a complainer, I thought I’d put a positive spin on things. I said I was tired, but that I was beginning to wake up. His eyes lit up! He thrust his arms in my direction and shouted, “WONDERFUL! That’s what we’re here for!” This was the first time I’d heard of Zen being a process of waking up. It was one of those times when a skilled teacher stops a student’s discursive mind cold and makes them wonder, “What is this?” This actually became an informal kong-an for me over a period of many years. “What is this waking up? Waking up to what?” At the next retreat, I asked this same teacher what enlightenment is. How it changes you. He replied that it doesn’t change you. It simply allows you to become more like who you are. Again: “What is this? Who exactly are we?”
These two kong-ans are related and have been working on me for decades. Only in the past few years as my practice intensified, have I been able to make more sense of them. “Waking up”, and “being who you already are” simply refer to giving up your attachment to stories and limitations you’ve made up about yourself, rather that acting without expectations, without thoughts of the past, the future, and just being present. Right here. Right now. Also, they speak to the fact that who you really are is a Buddha. This concept always reminds me of a photo I have of three life-sized Buddhas, each "separated" from one another in their own clear plastic bag, smiling from the bed of a pickup truck. We are all Buddhas living in a dream in which we are separate from one another, from our communities, from this world and unaware of our Buddhahood.
So, then how do we wake up? The answer is the same as the answer to the question, “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?” Practice, practice, practice. Another early teacher of mine was fond of saying, “This practice is truly transformative.” Just sitting down on the cushion regularly, watching your breathing and asking “What is this?” does, over time, actually change your mind. It changes how you see yourself and your place in the world.
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