20/08/2022
It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this page, lots of reasons actually. It’s been a tough two weeks. As most of you would imagine I go to a private/public school it’s complicated, can’t explain that now. Anyways I’ve been in such a tight spot for so long. Before becoming a believer I shared how I loved YouTube wanted to be a YouTuber or a gamer, any of the two would have been great.
You could imagine I also had friends with the same interests as me. I also go to a Christian school, not going to name it but you would think things would be easy cause it’s a “Christian school” right. Over the past few months it’s been a battle of me trying to avoid temptation.
Things I used to watch which that I don’t watch anymore I would see people watching it, the music I now try as much to avoid are played in class. It’s hard when your the only Christian teenager in a Christian school, I know first hand. I tend to want to fit in cause I didn’t want to be the odd one out or spoil the fun because I wanted to be one of them in some ways. I always had that at the back of my mind while I would sin in the eyes of the Lord. I felt so convicted of My sins, it grew to a point where I felt so guilty that I didn’t speak to anyone at youth group for a solid two weeks. I was always loud, answering questions, saying Ronaldo was better than Messi, this was who I was in the eyes of the youth but for some reason I felt full of sin and felt so guilty I didn’t feel I was worthy of being at the youth.
Feelings like this come and it’s a good thing, how you would ask. It’s showing that at least you feel bad that you are breaking the law of God, Lukewarm Christians are those who are Christians for the benefits only. They go to church give money and expect blessings, they go to Church and be all holy and afterward go do the opposite, it’s like a checklist to them, give to the poor and hope God sees they did something good, just to be clear good people don’t go to heaven, Jesus said it in Matthew that he isn’t here to save the righteous when he was with the tax collectors. But sinner saved by grace are the ones who will go to heaven. That’s a whole different topic...
So like I was saying my guilt also made me realize that something had to be done cause I felt so bad of the stuff I was doing, I started betting of which I told my self I would never do cause of the pain it brought to my family but it seemed as if I was following the same path. I knew I needed help, it’s hard actually to tell someone that your hurting, my pride was was big but the Love of God was bigger. I told my youth pastor about it over text because I knew he knew that I wasn’t in a tight spot.
He told me that we should meet 3 hours before youth, so we did. We read the book of psalms 32. It was so awesome to share my pain with him, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. What he told me blew my mind, he Said to me I feel I’m living a double life cause of school which was true, said I didn’t want to be the party pooper, and that I didn’t want to be the odd one out, after pointing these out which were all true it came to me that deep down even if I was a publicly spoken Christian I was scared of not being able to fit in anymore.
My youth pastor then said, “ Jesus was always the odd one out, he was taken as weird and today the word for it would have been a nerd”. It occurred to me to me that I wasn’t meant to be of this world, but easily said then being done right. So how did I overcome that feeling?
My youth pastor told to me take my bible to school so if I did feel that way I should read the word of God, which is difficult I know, but I started reading a book called called Biblical manhood during class. I would listen to my playlist with my earphones on. Oh my goodness the feeling I get when I read that book, it’s an unexplainable feeling, so much makes more sense cause I was willing being the odd one out of the class.
For some people it takes years to open up, for some it’s more simple, i only started sharing truly after the death of a close friend of mine. It’s a working progress, you don’t become a Christian over night, definitely can’t it’s impossible, it takes years of transformation and faith. Don’t believe the things false pastors say like you are perfect just the way you are for God, Wrong so wrong.
It helps to listen to Gospel music, I have my own playlist which I listen to all the time now it helps remind me who’s wing am I under.
Also remember you can’t be a solo Christian, it’s not in the Bible or stated you can do it alone you need an accountability partner and God to help you in tough times like mine.
