01/10/2021
Today I took a walk to go and do my last jab. It was a 20 minutes walk, and I enjoy every moment of it. As I walk I was having a moment with myself, a deep conversation. First I was thinking about how blessed my life is. I am blessed beyond measures. I'm still breathing, that is a gift and I thank God for the second chances God is giving me every morning as i wake up.
The second thing I was thinking about was my life my journey. I was in a conversation with God my body and my mind strange..🤔.
I for a long time after my spine operation I struggled with walking without falling. My last fall was during a holiday with my partner and freinds last December. And when I get up from that fall, I made a promise to myself that 2021 i will start working on my falling and my fears.
Let me give you a picture of my journey as i was thinking about it as i walk today.
The story begins with how for two years many years ago I stopped walking. I thought my life was over. I was stuck in a wheelchair. I did an operation to remove a tumor that was stuck in my spine. I remember my mother ask me to move my legs after the operation and I couldn't, only my toes could move and she just cried and said . You Wil be walking again see.. see and I did not believe. That mother of mine was a believer. I smiled as i was thinking about her in my walk today. One day I will also share about her so you understand what was like to have a mother Like her. She was my blessing.
My thoughts as i walk was on how I was forced to learn to walk again after the operation. I started from learning to crawl like a baby, stand and fall. Learn to walk and fall until I was able to take few steps. In between I will fall and be so disappointed and angry some times wanted to give up.
I had support from my family, friends, doctors physiotherapist etc. In most times all of this walking like a baby and crawling learning to stand was just too much. But my supporters especially my mother kept me motivated to walk again. She will always said this is your second change to learn because maybe the first time you took it for granted. Give it your all. And I did give it my all until I walk again with so much difficulties . It has been almost 11 years that i went through what I call my falling episodes.
Those who watch me fall down are really privileged I must say😆😆. I will fall 1 or 3 times a day. To a point it was not a big deal to me anymore. Not shameful at all. It is only some times people who are with me who will really feel bad for me when I did not really feel bad as it was part of my journey, I thought. But i think it was part of my healing process. I will fall at home on the streets, there was no notice I will just trip and fall.
Every time I went for yearly check ups, my doctor will say. Learn to allow your mind to have a relationship again with your legs your feet and knees. Every time it did not make sense what he was talking about. It was only this year as i work on my self that it really makes sense what my doctor has said to me many years ago.
Here is the thing, because I fell so much in my learning to walk during my physio, that experience got stuck in my mind and my body, so hence my falling over the years was about. It was only when I started to have conversations with my body my mind and self, that i realise were all this came from. I then took a decision to start the hard work to deal with it. I ask myself , Why I was falling so much and why it did not bother me so much. Then I found answers.
I realised that it is because of how I will think every time I stand up to walk anywhere. Kitchen going to the loo just anywhere. I will be thinking I will...before I even think about the word, fall I'm on the floor already. It took me many years to realised that is what was happening. As I work on my journey to fully recovered I needed to make sure, and find ways to stop my mind from thinking about falling. By starting to have a conversation with it.
"Mind" listen... I'm about to stand up now. Will you be so kind and talk to your other siblings which are my bum, feet, knees,hips, legs etc and let them know that we are about to stand and walk now. I will then stand breath and give myself few seconds to make sure that everyone ( body) is on the same page and walk.
The first day I did that, i end up laughing at myself because it was a strange conversation.😂😂 The more these conversations happens, the more my body all of it responded positively and I did not have another fall until up to today as i was walking a long distance .
My thoughts was also about giving honor and thanksgiving to God that I am not looking at my legs as i walk. That is what i use to do. I did not trust my self. How would I be able to, with a mask in my mouth as it makes it impossible to check them out 😅😅. I came a long way and I give so much love to my mind, to every body parts that was given to me. I have build trust we all and worked together to achieve that. Also learning to love me have been a blessing. Most importantly allowing myself to relearn to walk was a gift to me. Most of all, allowing myself to have a family meeting with all my body, all my parts big and small was such a wow moment and a humbling experience.
The meeting always started with Knees and elbows because they were always the ones that will get hurt when I fell or when we fell. And we ( body parts) all have to apologies to them . That conversation looks like this.
" Knees and elbows.". like we trying to understand what is your problem "legs" that you let us get hurt all the time, what is wrong with you. Is it walking not your responsibility?
The" legs "responds I don't know what is happening. I get the message a bit late so i can move. I think "mind" thinks we are standing or not moving and then I try to move then "knees" gives away then we all on the floor. I apologized for hurting you. The "mind" said I will try better next time. Maybe we all need to work together as one. And the family agreed.
It has really been beautiful and humbling to rediscover myself and work with my body and start treating all of my body part with respect and honor. Understanding that this is the only body and mind that i have and I must treat it as such. It's been a remarkable experience ever. To listen to it and allow myself to work with it as a team, I don't even know how to describe the feeling. Self care for me and healing this is it. I might fall again in the future or whatever might be, the fear is not in my body anymore. The fear of falling is not controlling my mind. But again i have fallen many times, but i never stayed down I got up again over and over. Fear could not keep me down. This has been a 8 months journey. Learning to shame what has shame me. Right now it has no hold over me and fear does not define who God has created me to be.Today I walked with pride and honor.
I AM Strength. I Am great and I AM Nokuthula 😉
