30/09/2024
Everyone knows I have panic attacks and anxiety. I’ve not kept that a secret. I honestly think I’ve waved it like a banner for all to see. I also have an underlying health condition that will cause other issues like heart palpitations. So if something is going to cause me an issue and my heart rate is going to increase as if I’m running a marathon I am going to avoid it because I can’t guarantee that if my heart is racing that palpitations won’t happen on top of that also. Then I would really be in danger. This is not something I can control!! I don’t cause this. I look at that picture with the bridge out and before my brain has processed it to the point that I know what I’m looking at my body has already registered a response automatically. So when someone tells me that a miracle can happen because I can pray and it will go away. Not that I doubt miracles but the miracles I’ve experienced with my health have all taken time to come. In fact it had to get way worse before it even got better. I had seizures as a kid and I did not want them anymore. I prayed for them not to happen many times earnestly (I was a child and understood things without doubt then). I was blessed with several 14 hours seizures instead. I never doubted I could be healed. Several years later they went away. If I were to have a seizure would you tell me that I’m causing them?? No that’s just silly!! Then nobody should tell me that I don’t have faith or belief enough that these panic attacks will go away instantaneously to even suggest that I don’t have faith to believe, that is just ridiculous. Furthermore to tell me that I’m only reading scriptures and not understanding them because of what I just stated above and that I’m reading them as a function rather then from my heart, means you don’t understand me at all and have now made me to question my faith. I did not miss the boat about faith or belief but fully understand that sometimes miracles take time. Sometimes it’s waiting for that greater wisdom and knowledge or medical intervention that is not in front of me or out of my reach. No amount of browbeating me will work for that. Yes it’s easy to judge someone when they are having panic attacks but it’s not because they don’t have faith or belief in miracles. The biggest issue I have now because of my anxiety and panic attacks is that someone told me all this and now I’m really struggling with reading my scriptures and writing in my prayer journal. The fact is my prayer journal eases my anxiety but now I question it because of what was said to me. I write down everything I need to repent of first then thanks then ask, but when I’m done with that I read my scriptures and write down what I feel is important from that reading that day. That is my inspiration for the day and it’s always spot on!!!It’s pretty sad day when someone would want me to look at that level of introspection that I do daily and say it’s just a function and not from my heart and it’s not good enough. They honestly made me question and doubt everything! Although in my head I’m trying to look at this objectively and see that some people will do that just because it’s a game or sport to them. It’s really sad that it was a wolf in sheep’s clothing that did this to me. Yet they have created doubt. So if you are that person that did this….Heavenly Father knows the thoughts and intents of everyone’s hearts including mine. Maybe for all the 3 hours worth of browbeating that was thrown at me that did cause my heart rate to go up to 129 (that was 10 mins after I left, so I know it was higher then that) maybe now you will understand that I don’t want to be anywhere near you ever again. I just know that the personal attacks on my mental health and the way I believe needs to stop!! You don’t know me at all!!
