08/05/2024
“Where have you been?” I had someone ask me this recently and while the response is long, I hope you’ll stick around to read it. And when you see me, give me the biggest hug you can muster up because while the fight hasn’t been easy, it’s really helped me to appreciate all the women that fight every day!
The truth is for the past 4 years I have hidden myself. Afraid. Not wanting others to see the melt downs of my toddlers, fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, just all the things wrong. After you have 3 kids it’s like your life goes on display. I’ve had people tell me I was wasting their tax dollars, that I should know how to prevent kids, that we must be on government assistance (we’re not but there’s NOTHING wrong with it) and questioned if my kids all had the same dad. STRANGERS HAVE SAID THIS! And now being a young mom (I had 5 by 25), a black mom, a mom of 5, I felt like I had to fight these stereotypes! As mothers we feel a great sense of responsibility for our children. But we feel this great responsibility to have well trained children. Ones that answer “Yes ma’am” and “No Sir.” Ones who never make a mess or make a mistake. I began to believe that my children’s behavior was a reflection of the job I was doing as a mom and a reflection of my own worth. It was exhausting. Trying to hold it all together was impossible. But it didn’t stop me from trying. We are constantly fighting this world’s standards that we were never made to live up to!
Well I finally got tired of hiding. I have avoided those I love most out of fear of being found out as a fraud. That they would one day realize I have no idea what I’m doing and that every day I wake up I truly just winging it. That they might see that my children struggle with talking back or that even our sweetest of babes don’t listen even after the 100th time of being told to stop. I have not allowed my children to just be children for quite some time. I’m done with staying in the shadows. Why? So people wouldn’t know I needed Jesus too? That, I too, need a savior?
Depression is so real! & This year was by far the worst. I had never failed so out loud before and the more I tried to get a grip, the more it all fell apart. I felt like that questioned the validity of my relationship with God. Do I have the right to stand and share the word? Do I even have the right to be called a daughter of the King anymore? I questioned all I ever knew to be true not because of motherhood or my children but because there is a very real enemy that knows if you doubt yourself, you’ll doubt Him because He is our creator. If the creation is janky, we blame the makers. That if he could just get into my head, my heart would surely follow. That if I would just shift my focus to my children, I’d take my eyes off the Lord… the author and perfecter of our faith.
I am finally coming out of survival. For so long I convinced myself this was the only way. I am walking into this new season in freedom. No longer bound by chains of shame and regret, but walking in the promise that He WILL restore the years that the locusts have eaten. That no mess is too great that He can’t turn it into something for my good. So yes, I will likely fall short from time to time but even if I have to walk across the finish line limping, I’m following Him until the end.
I have been more intentional about feeling the sun on my skin, the warmth of His goodness. I have been digging my toes deep in the sand to remind me that His love is even more numerous than the tiny grains. I am loved… that’s it. That’s final! And that love is not performance based. It just is and there’s nothing I can do about that. And that alone was the best healing medicine I could have ever received. This summer our goal was to just have fun. No matter how chaotic, no matter who sees and no matter how unorthodox it might be. We have had an incredible ride so far. I can’t wait to finish out this last month and just go into this school year with such appreciation for who my kids are not who I expect them to be or who I’m raising them to become. They are such blessings.
So if you’ve read this far, this is probably one of the most vulnerable posts you will find from me. I have always prided myself on sharing the good, bad and the ugly and this post is no different. I hope that you to will forget what people think of you and your parenting and just live in the moment with your Father because He is soooo good!
That’s it. That’s the post. Have a talk with Jesus today if you haven’t because He’s probably missing you. Look for His goodness all around and never forget that He’s always with you. Every step of the way. Even in the darkest times.
Love y’all!
*our first camping trip of the season where even thought it rained us out, we got to see His goodness all around and with each other*
