07/06/2026
Sometimes wrestling with God looks like being up all hours of the night. And here is where I’m at….
As I’ve been reading through 1 Samuel, God has been exposing something in my own heart. Like a broken record God keeps asking one question…. Who, or what, are you trusting?
Saul, Jonathan, and David each answered that question differently. Saul had everything the world says you need to succeed; a crown, an army, influence, and the appearance of strength. Yet the more he relied on himself, the more fearful, anxious, and controlling he became. Instead of trusting God, he trusted his own understanding. He compromised God’s commands, protected his reputation, and justified his actions. The more Saul trusted himself, the less peace he had.
Jonathan had almost nothing by comparison. One armor-bearer, a steep cliff, and an impossible battle. Yet he confidently declared that nothing could hinder the Lord from saving. His confidence wasn’t in himself. It was in God! Because of that, he was able to walk in boldness and obedience without needing to control the outcome.
Then there’s David🥰…. David wasn’t chosen because he looked like a king. God looked at his heart. David would later fail in significant ways, but the difference between David and Saul wasn’t perfection. It was where they turned when they failed. Saul defended himself. David humbled himself, repented, and trusted God’s mercy.
As I read these chapters, I realized God wasn’t just teaching me about Saul, Jonathan, and David. He was teaching me about myself. For years, I relied on myself for protection, security, and love. Looking back, I understand why. That’s how I survived as a child. I learned to build walls. I learned that if I wanted to be safe, I had to depend on myself. But recently, God has been gently showing me that I’m not living in survival mode anymore. I don’t have to protect myself because He is my Protector. I don’t have to create my own security because He is my Security. I don’t have to strive to be loved because He is Love. As He’s been revealing this, He’s also shown me why submission has always been difficult for me. When you’ve spent years relying on yourself, trusting others doesn’t come naturally. If someone says something contrary to what I’ve just studied in Scripture, my first instinct is often to put up a wall and write them off.
Then the Lord asked me one question “Aren’t you glad I don’t treat you that way?”
He reminded me how patient He has been with me. How many times have I misunderstood His Word? How many times has He corrected me with grace instead of rejecting me? Then He reminded me, “They are growing too.”
That doesn’t mean we stop testing everything against Scripture. God’s Word is still our authority. But it does mean I need to extend the same grace that God has so freely extended to me. My pastors, my leaders, my friends, and my brothers and sisters in Christ are all being sanctified just as I am. None of us has arrived. We are all growing in our understanding of God’s Word and learning what it means to trust and obey Him.
I think that’s one of the beautiful themes running through 1 Samuel. Self-reliance produces fear, striving, manipulation, and self-preservation.
Trust in God?… Well? That’s freedom! It produces peace, courage, humility, repentance, and obedience.
God isn’t just teaching me to trust Him more. He’s teaching me to stop surviving and start resting and trusting in him. Live a live 100% devoted to him.
Maybe that’s what faith really is? laying down our instinct to rely on ourselves and learning to rest in the One who has been faithful all along.
