10/27/2025
Ephesians 5:22 (NLT) 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
To modern ears, submission sounds demeaning. We think to submit is to lose agency, to lose our identity. That is not what Paul is endorsing at all. Remember how God defined the role of the wife clear back at the beginning:
Genesis 2:18 (ESV)
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
A “helper” for him is the Hebrew word “Ezer.” Ezer is not a servant. Elsewhere in the Bible it describes nations bringing military aid. Its most common use is describing God and how he brings comfort or protection or salvation. So if God is an Ezer, to call a wife an Ezer is obviously not devaluing her.
The word kenegdo translated as “fit” or “suitable” is literally “like opposite him.” Their differences fit together in a way that complements each other.
A wife is an Ezer that brings her strengths to make a partnership even stronger and capable. That sort of helper is never merely compliant; she uses her resources to empower her husband and contribute to the family. So as a helper, submitting to her husband does not require a wife to turn off her brain or never speak up. A helper can ask questions, can point out problems or dangers, can offer expertise and take on major responsibilities. In fact, to be that kind of helper means she cannot be a doormat to be ignored or a passive, timid, silent non-contributor to decision making. A helper helps. That’s active. That’s someone who engages.
But that helper also recognizes and respects the order in God’s design of headship of the husband.
Ephesians 5:33 NLT
33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
That’s how Paul sums up submission: It’s respect. Make him feel respected, encourage him to initiate and be a leader, build him up in that role.
But . . . what if he isn’t doing anything to earn my respect? Why should I respect him, let alone submit to him?
If that describes your marriage, I’m sorry. All of us – husbands and wives – fall short, but when you are married to someone who is not initiating as the spiritual leader of your family, who is not the Christian example you would hope for your kids, how do you navigate that reality?
1st Peter is written to Christians who are being persecuted, they are in unfair situations, in a pagan culture, but here is what Peter says is their role in such a scenario:
1 Peter 2:9 NLT
9 . . . you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
You have a mission: to be a light, especially in darkness and mistreatment. Be good even when those around you are not. Be holy. Be hopeful and helpful. And then he gives them specific examples of what this means in various relationships:
1 Peter 3:1-2 NLT
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
Think about these wives he is writing to. In 1st Century Rome, part of a wife’s submission to her husband was the acceptance of his religion. For most women, this would not have been a problem. A wife would merely add to her religion the gods worshipped by her husband. It was just a matter of adding another statue, going to another festival. A convert to Christianity, however, renounced not only her own gods, but those of her pagan spouse as well. Becoming a Christian, therefore, would have been viewed as rebellion by those husbands.
So Peter and Paul were talking to some women who had already courageously stood up to their husbands and broken social mores by becoming Christians in the first place.
This is submission volunteered by the wife, inspired by her faith. Peter speaks directly to wives here; he doesn’t say to the husbands “make your wives do this.” He speaks directly to her because this is a choice she is making, using her own intelligence, her own faith.
Christian wives were submitting as equals.
Just like Christ loves us even when we’re unlovely, just like your husband is to love you even when you aren’t very lovable, you are to respect him even when you don’t think he’s earned it. God says the two of you, as a married couple, are now one flesh. Your husband is one half of your being, of yourself. Being disrespectful and unloving to one half of yourself will not make you happier and more satisfied.
This is a hard teaching, isn’t it? But godly submission by wives and godly leadership from husbands will never come easily for either one.
Now that never requires a wife’s commitment to her husband to supersede her submission to God. Her submission aligns to her obedience to God. Never should she do what is sinful because that’s what her husband wants.
Acts 5:29 ESV
We must obey God rather than men.
But that commitment is, within obedience to God, that commitment is to be one. You left your parents to cleave to each other. That means your parents’ home is not to be used as a retreat from your marriage. Home is where your spouse is because you are one. That means no private cell phone that your spouse doesn’t know about. No secret bank account hidden from your spouse. You are one!
Your friends or your parents may tell you that it’s foolish to make yourself that vulnerable. But as Christians, the commitment we make to our spouse in marriage is actually a declaration of our trust in God’s faithfulness. Over and over in scripture, we are assured that God is faithful, he can be trusted, he will provide and protect, he cares, he sees, he is right there, and that frees us to love each other completely, to be wholly committed because we know that He will always be faithful, He will always provide. Even if our spouse ends up being faithless, our God will always be faithful.
I certainly wanted my daughters to get an education and skills that allow them to make a living whether or not they are married. But I also want them, on their wedding day, to be free to love their new husband wholeheartedly because they trust in the faithful love of God to provide for them no matter what. I want them to go into this with that level of commitment and, yes, vulnerability.
That’s real love, isn’t it? That’s what we want in our marriage, and that is what we can find if we embrace God’s good design of headship and submission.
-From Scott Franks