06/11/2026
I am not making this up. This was an actual resolution presented to the Resolutions Committee to be considered at the SBC annual meeting this week. This would have been the highlight of the meeting for me. But don't worry. The resolution was rejected by the committee.
RESOLUTION ON COFFEE
Whereas although Methodists and other liberals claim that Jesus drank wine with actual alcohol in it, literally everyone knows that Jesus never drank coffee; and,
Whereas coffee was not discovered until the ninth century A.D., when it was discovered by Muslims, not by Christians; and,
Whereas coffee was reportedly introduced to human beings by goats, which cannot easily be distinguished to any degree of certainty from the “goat-demons” of Leviticus 17:7; and,
Whereas in the fifteenth century, godly servants of the Lord Jesus Christ in Venice, Italy, confronting the first incursion of the dark brew into Europe, declared it to be the “bitter invention of Satan”; and,
Whereas coffee spread into Christian Europe not upon the benediction of godly reformers, but as a result of the dictatorial edict of Clement VIII, the same pope who was an anti-semite, who seduced Henry IV of France into papistry, and who murdered Giordano Bruno for rightfully decrying transubstantiation; and,
Whereas Southern Baptist pastor Matt Henslee uses coffee in an unwashed cup to celebrate victories of the notorious cheating Houston Astros; now, therefore, be it
Resolved, that the messengers of the Southern Baptist Convention meeting in Orlando, Florida, June 9-10, 2026, declare that the discovery and initial propagation of coffee as a beverage are events outside the Christian tradition; and be it further
Resolved, that we advise all of our churches to cease and desist from serving coffee, or if they must serve coffee, to serve cheap coffee like Folgers, Maxwell House, Nescafe, or Great Value, so that the terrible nature of coffee might be made plain to all; and be it further
Resolved, that we implore all exhibitors and vendors in the Exhibit Hall of the Annual Meeting, in light of the fact that we all have more coffee cups and Yeti-like drink containers than we could use in the millennial kingdom, to cease and desist from giving us such items in gift bags, and be it finally
Resolved, that we commend instead to our churches the use of Dr Pepper as an alternative to coffee, preferably paired with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream.
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