07/25/2026
After hearing for months that DEI was destroying America, I was thrilled to hear someone had finally done something about it.
A church just outside town proudly advertised:
“100% DEI FREE.”
Well, praise the Lord! I had to see this for myself.
I put on my Sunday best, clipped on my hat and gloves, and polished my pearls for the special occasion. I took an anxiety pill and drove to where the flashy billboard told me to go. As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed the handicap parking spaces were gone. A smiling deacon said, “We covered them up last week.”
“Why?”
“We realized reserved parking was giving certain people advantages over everyone else.”
Makes sense. No special treatment. So far so good. Didn’t need that anyway.
The wheelchair ramp? Gone. Apparently ramps are accommodations, and accommodations are suspicious.
If the Apostle Paul could limp around the Roman Empire, surely Grandma can crawl up four concrete steps, amiright?!?!
Inside, there weren’t any greeters. “We used to welcome visitors,” one elder explained, “but we discovered that’s intentionally making newcomers feel like they belong.”
Sounded dangerously inclusive. Gasp! Can’t have any of that, oh heaven’s no! I didn’t need a friendly face to welcome me in anyway. I had my pearls after all!
The children’s ministry had also been eliminated. “We don’t separate lessons by age anymore.”
“Why not?”
“That’s targeted instruction.”
The nursery? Gone. “Parents should just figure it out.”
Well, I don’t have littles so no sweat off my back. Whew! So far I’m loving the changes!
The sensory room? Locked.
The hearing devices? Thrown away.
Large-print hymnals? Too accommodating.
Spanish translation? Absolutely not!! With TWO exclamation points!!
“We’re all equal here.”
I noticed everyone saying “equal” while making life harder for exactly the people Jesus kept stopping for.
Then I saw the mission board. Every missionary photo had been removed. “What’s going on?”
“We realized traveling to other cultures and intentionally including people from every tribe, tongue, and nation looked an awful lot like global DEI.”
That tracked.
Jesus did say, “Go into all the world…” Apparently they interpreted that as: “…unless they’re different.”
Coffee hour had changed, too. No fellowship meal. No visitors’ table. No casseroles for grieving families. No meal train for the new mom. No rides for the elderly. No food pantry. No coat drive. No benevolence fund.
“We were accidentally helping people with different needs.” Wouldn’t want that!
The choir looked…different. Actually, it looked exactly the same. Turns out they’d removed anyone who couldn’t sing in perfect four-part harmony.
“Inclusion lowers standards.”
Bold strategy for a religion founded by fishermen.
Reverend Tea finally stood to preach. His sermon title: “Jesus Didn’t Care About DEI.”
Interesting. Because my Bible keeps interrupting that sermon. {Shhhhh, I kept telling it.}
“Love your neighbor.” …Interrupting again.
“Welcome the stranger.” …There it goes. Like a reminder on my phone that I can’t turn off.
“Let the little children come.” Still talking. Grrr!
“There is neither Jew nor Greek…” Um, Somebody should really unplug this Bible. Turn off the WiFi!
Then, just as the invitation began…The sanctuary doors flew open.
Jesus walked in!
What??? Jesus.
Can I get an AMEN?!?
He looked around.
No children.
No disabled people.
No immigrants.
No widows.
No poor people.
No outsiders.
No sinners.
No tax collectors.
No Samaritans.
No Gentiles.
No one society had pushed aside.
He looked confused. “This doesn’t look familiar.”
The pastor smiled proudly. “We removed DEI” as he popped his 70s collar.
Jesus asked, “You mean…you stopped making room for people?”
“We stopped giving people special treatment.”
Jesus nodded slowly.
“So…which of My miracles should I have skipped?”
The blind man?
The lame man?
The woman who’d been bleeding for twelve years?
The lepers?
The deaf man?
The child?
The foreign woman?
The Roman centurion?
The Samaritan?
“Help me understand,” Jesus continued. “Exactly who was I supposed to ignore so I could avoid looking too inclusive?”
Silence.
One man finally raised his hand. But Lord…DEI.”
Jesus looked at him. “I fed five thousand people who couldn’t repay Me.” “I washed feet. I touched lepers. I defended women. I praised foreigners. I invited children. I ate with sinners. I built My Church with people society had already counted out.”
He paused. “If that’s your definition of DEI…then you’ve been arguing with Me this whole time.”
The room became very quiet.
I slipped out before the offering. As I walked to my car, I passed dozens of “churches.”
Every one of them had handicap parking.
Nurseries.
Missionaries.
Food pantries.
Children’s ministries.
Prayer chains.
Recovery groups.
Grief ministries.
Youth groups.
Homebound visitation.
Special-needs volunteers.
Greeters.
Visitor cards.
Benevolence funds.
Scholarships for camp.
Meals for the sick.
Translation services.
Accessible entrances.
In other words…
Churches have been practicing what many people now mock as “DEI” for about two thousand years.
They’ve just always called it something else.
The Gospel.
Satirically speaking (or maybe not),
~Sandra Valentine
