05/19/2026
For Sure Facts🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽♥️
With all the conversations happening lately, I think it’s time we talk about this again.
And some people probably won’t like what I have to say.
But adoption?
It’s not the beautiful little fairytale people try to turn it into.
It’s not just “gotcha days” and matching family pajamas.
It’s not a rescue story.
And it’s definitely not a neat little happy ending tied up with a bow.
Adoption is complicated.
It is love and grief sitting at the same table.
It is joy mixed with loss.
It is a child trying to figure out where they belong while carrying the weight of where they came from.
And honestly?
Some of the things people say about adoption make my skin crawl.
“They’re so lucky to have you.”
No they’re not.
My children were not lucky to lose their first family.
They were not lucky to experience trauma.
They were not lucky to need strangers to step in and raise them.
That isn’t luck.
That’s heartbreak.
That’s survival.
And then there’s this idea that “all they need is love.”
I wish it worked that way.
Love matters deeply.
But love alone does not heal trauma.
Love doesn’t erase fear.
It doesn’t undo neglect.
It doesn’t magically fix years of instability, abuse, abandonment, or loss.
These kids need safety.
Consistency.
Patience.
Therapy.
Grace.
And space to grieve without being told they should just be grateful now.
And can we please stop saying adoption gives kids a “fresh start”?
Children are not blank slates.
They come with memories.
With history.
With people they still love.
With questions.
With wounds.
Their story did not begin with us.
And adoptive parents are not supposed to erase what came before us just because it makes other people uncomfortable.
And the one people really struggle with?
“Why do you still talk about their biological family?”
Because those connections matter.
Because identity matters.
Because children deserve the truth about where they came from.
Even when it’s complicated.
Even when it hurts.
Even when contact isn’t possible or safe.
Pretending biological family never existed does not heal children.
Silencing those parts of their story does not protect them.
And no, not every adoption should be open.
Sometimes distance is necessary.
Sometimes it’s the safest thing.
But our kids should never feel ashamed for loving or missing people from before us.
They should never feel like they have to split themselves in half to make everyone else comfortable.
And adoption does not magically end the pain.
Finalization is not the finish line.
It doesn’t erase trauma.
It doesn’t suddenly make everything okay.
Sometimes the hard questions don’t even come until years later.
What made sense at 6 unravels at 16.
That’s not failure.
That’s trauma.
That’s identity.
That’s grief showing up in waves.
So no.
Adoption is not about “saving” children.
It’s about walking beside them through the aftermath of things they never should’ve had to survive in the first place.
It’s about staying.
Even when it’s hard.
Even when they push you away.
Even when the story is messy and complicated and painful.
It’s choosing them over and over again.
Not because we’re heroes.
Not because we rescued anybody.
But because family should be a place where children are fully seen, fully loved, and fully safe enough to tell the truth about their story.
And if we’re going to talk about adoption, then let’s tell the whole truth.
Not just the pretty parts.
Especially the uncomfortable ones.
