11/08/2019
This family needs our prayers. Please join me in praying for a complete healing and that God will get the glory.
https://www.facebook.com/1693772877543191/posts/2404844816435990/
Rejection. It’s the last word you want to hear, the worst nightmare of a transplant patient. You do everything possible to prevent it, and yet here we are. I have been struggling to post this, mainly because I am so heart broken, so afraid, and so angry. I didn’t have the words to say. And really, I still don’t. Kaleb had his kidney biopsy on Monday. We came home late that night and got a call Wednesday afternoon from his nurse saying that they got some early results back showing that Kaleb’s rejection has worsened, by quite a bit. They had us come up to stanford that night to get ready to start treatment to try to stop this. This morning he had a central line placed and started his first of 5 long, heavy duty immunosuppressant treatments. We are basically starting over, wiping out his immune system, just like they did during his transplant, in hopes to stop this rejection. Miraculously, Kaleb does not have any signs of rejection except for the biopsy. His labs are perfect, everything points to normal, except that biopsy. They are a little puzzled by this. I believe this is obviously God. His immune system is strong, and it is trying to figure this kidney out. They did say that this rejection looks to be fast moving and they need to try to stop it now. It is reversible at this point, which we are thankful for, it’s just if his body will respond they way they want it to in order to keep his kidney safe. So we do what we can and we wait. He will have to have a repeat biopsy in 6-8 weeks to determine if the rejection has been reversed, stopped, or progressed. Oh Lord, please take the rejection away. Kaleb is petty fearful having to be here again. He wants so badly to get up and go. It’s hard for him. And since they are wiping out his immune system again, he will be extremely fragile when it comes to sickness, and this is scary during this cold and flu season. So much has been going through my head. So much fear, so much hurt. I have felt so sick because of the stress, physically unable to handle the pain. There has been a lot of asking God “why?!” I don’t understand. I’m hurt that He would allow this for Kaleb. It doesn’t make any sense. I go straight to “what if this doesn’t work? What if we lose this kidney? What are we going to do? How can we even do this? It’s not fair! Don’t do this to Kaleb. Let him be a kid, not a patient, a 3 year old little boy.” I have cried and cried and cried. It feels too hard. And then I think how Kaleb must feel. He doesn’t even understand. And he’s scared. And I try to be brave for him, I try to put on a good face and tell him, just one small poke, it will be quick, you are brave. But it doesn’t help. He’s figured it out. And I don’t blame him one bit for screaming and begging “no please no, no owies, please mommy, no owies.” With tears rolling down my face I just have to tell him it will be quick, it won’t take long and we will go home soon while I hold him tight to keep him still. I have this feeling of doom hanging over my head and in my heart. And I know my Shepherd is here. I know He is with us. But sometimes it’s so hard to see Him. I want to feel Him. I want to see Him move mountains for Kaleb. And I know He already has, is it selfish to ask Him to move more? I want Him to take this cup and make it new, make it perfect. I don’t want this for my son. Can you tell I’m a wreck? But deep down, deep down inside I know what my God capable of. We have seem more miracles than we can count. He has always been faithful. And He promised me that He is making a new way. He showed me in His word, over and over again. I know that He is a way-maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness. That Kaleb is His child, and he is deeply in love with him. So all I can do is hold on to those promises. I am trying with all I have to trust Him. To believe what He tells us. It feels hard, but it’s all I really have. I am a fixer. I can’t fix this. I can’t change this. I can’t even do this. ONLY GOD CAN. So I need to stop trying to hard and just be. Just be in His presence and feel Him holding me tight and see Him holding Kaleb and hiding Him under His wings. Could you all help me remember this? We need Him. We need His peace that surpasses all understanding, my understanding, because really, I don’t understand. And when I don’t know what else to plead, beg, and pray for, I am so thankful for the reminder that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me in prayer. He knows what I need. He knows what KALEB needs. “Oh Lord hold Kaleb close and give him YOUR PEACE. Calm his heart and mind. Bring healing to his body. Protect this kidney that has provided him with LIFE. Please Lord. You can do it with just a word. We know and believe.” Thank you for praying for us in this time. Please pray for Jet too as we are away from him again. It gets so hard for him. He tries to be brave, but it’s hard. For all of you that purchased a “ ” shirt back before his transplant, we are asking that you wear it one of the days we are here receiving this treatment. If you don’t have a shirt, write his name on your hand. We will be here until Monday late afternoon. Would you wear your shirt or write his name as a reminder to pray for Kaleb all throughout the day? We would love to see a picture of you so we can show Kaleb all the people praying for him. He already understands the importance of prayer so I think he would love to see you all. Thank you for listening, thank you for understanding, thank you for loving us and for always praying for us. We couldn’t do this without you. And we could never do this without our Savior.
