10/04/2020
Read this today. May seem long but worth the read.
The gift of gratitude
Adapted from Chapter 18: “The gift of gratitude” from The Gifts I Never Knew I Had: Reflections on Ordinary Treasures, Tanya Lyons (2019)
Like many of us, I have a bad habit of focusing on the negative and skimming over the good. Studies show we’re more likely to remember criticism than affirmation, and it puzzles me how we stubbornly hold on to the negative and are so quick to release the good. We have it backwards. For some reason the mean comments and harsh judgments stick like glue, but it takes effort to keep what’s good in the front and centre.
One practice that has helped me keep my attention where it’s most helpful is gratitude. Simply defined as the quality of being thankful, gratitude is a willingness to approach the world with an attitude of appreciation rather than displeasure or annoyance or bitterness. Gratitude can change the tone and atmosphere of a conversation or gathering. The benefits of gratitude include stronger social connections, better sleep, decreased anxiety, and increased joy.
For years I misunderstood where gratitude came from. I thought it would appear when circumstances were ideal and there wasn’t any need for change or growth. I thought gratitude was an overflow from a life of ease and abundance, which left me waiting for a big break before I expressed gratitude to those who’d helped me achieve my goals. I didn’t realize gratitude isn’t something that happens to me; it’s something I can choose. Gratitude happens as I recognize and am thankful for what’s good and positive and beautiful, no matter what else is in the picture. Happiness is a feeling, but gratitude is an action. Gratitude doesn’t require an ideal situation before it springs up. I can be unhappy and grateful at the same time. I can be lonely and grateful, angry and grateful, discouraged and grateful—you name it.
Gratitude doesn’t ask me to deny what’s awful or painful or wasted. It doesn’t ask me to paint life with a false positivity. Gratitude doesn’t tell me to give up, shut down, or accept an unacceptable situation. But because gratitude can find good even in the midst of what’s awful, it provides a way to live in the tension of a world that is both wonderful and heart-breaking. I can express gratitude even while I seek change, or feel frustrated, or work to achieve unmet goals. I don’t have to wait for success or utopia before I say thanks. Cynicism paints life with a dark brush, refusing to acknowledge any hint of beauty or goodness, but gratitude notices sparkles in the rubble and streaks of colour in the storm clouds.
Gratitude draws my attention to what I have even as I acknowledge what’s missing or broken. Gratitude refuses to let what’s bad or wrong have the final word. In that way, gratitude requires very little at all. Like a delighted grandmother who remarks, “How lovely, my dear!” no matter what you say or do, gratitude doesn’t demand perfection before it speaks. Gratitude, like kindness and hope, can show up anywhere, at any time. Gratitude is a place of refuge and comfort I can turn to in times of frustration, disappointment, loneliness, or fear. There’s freedom in saying, “I choose to be grateful for today and for the good I see, even if there’s work to be done and much I didn’t choose.”
If you’re not sure how to build your gratitude muscles, you can begin by looking at your childhood. Think of all the people who helped you before you asked. Make a gratitude list for the doctor who delivered you, the nurse who held you, or the teachers who helped you learn to read and write and do math—even the bus drivers who got you to school, and the janitors who ensured it was kept clean. You may not remember their names, but without them you wouldn’t be where you are. Next, move on to your youth. What would you say to the coaches who inspired you to achieve a goal, the musicians who wrote your favourite songs, or the boss who gave you your first job? What about the friends and family who laughed at your jokes and loved you through your bad moods? Your list could get very, very long—for you have been given a lot.
Eventually you’ll get to today. Today may be a great or a horrible day, but you can start wherever you are. At times I walk through my house and look at what fills it. I’m grateful for the farmers who grow the coffee I drink, for the workers who take away my garbage. I remember meals around my table, or the friend I was with when I bought my butter dish. I look at cookies my neighbour dropped off, the quilt my grandma made. I’m grateful for the mailman who carries letters to my door each day, for the friend who sends a card, and for my job that pays the bills. As I remember what I’ve been given, I practice saying thank you. Expressing gratitude changes something in me, and it changes the people I thank. When I express gratitude to someone for something, I shatter the lie that I’m on my own and no one cares for me. I have been given so much; I have benefitted from the beauty others offer to the world.
I don’t need everything on my wish list before I exercise gratitude. I can express gratitude today for the enough I have right now; I don’t have to wait for something more. Gratitude adds value to every cup of coffee, every sunny day, my favourite song, a comfortable bed, a meal with friends, or a clean pair of socks. Noticing these things, instead of letting them pass by, reminds me I’m blessed—I’m rich—and I’ve been given more than I realize. Gratitude is free to anyone who wants to learn it, and as we grow in gratitude, it changes us into people who carry hope and kindness with us into every place we go.
