06/08/2026
How to make anger work for you (1&2)
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Jas 1:19 NLT
You can use anger to actually deepen the bond and intimacy between you and your spouse. Here’s how: (1) Acknowledge the place of anger. A person ruled by anger is not safe, healthy, or wise. “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls” (Pr 25:28 NKJV). But if you and your spouse can learn to rule anger instead of letting it rule you, it can be invaluable. Think of the emotion as a flare sent up by your brain telling you there’s something you need to deal with. Find your own way to acknowledge your feelings. If you struggle to control your anger, take a walk and let the temperature decrease. Then come back, re-engage, and deal with the issue. (2) Don’t run away. If you’re truly in danger, you need to get somewhere safe. But if not, staying engaged with your spouse validates the feelings of both of you. It’s the only way to get a solution. If either of you is angry, agree to deal with it. You may need to plan a time to do so, but don’t wait long. If nothing else, determine to deal with it before going to sleep that night. You may not find a solution to the whole problem, but make a pact to defuse the situation before the day ends. “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Eph 4:26-27 NLT). If necessary, schedule a time to address the issue. You both deserve it, and your marriage is worth it.
How to make anger work for you (2)
“Sensible people control their temper.” Pr 19:11 NLT
Anger scares many of us because we’ve been harmed by it. But anger can be evidence that a person cares about someone or something. Nothing wrong is ever made right without someone becoming angry about it. If you shut down all anger, you eliminate passion, intimacy, and love. Here are two ways to make anger work for you: (1) Direct your anger at the right target. Your spouse is not the enemy; Satan is. He comes to “steal, and to kill, and to destroy” (Jn 10:10 KJV). He’s the one trying to drive a wedge between you. Consciously move your focus from your spouse to the problem. For example, get angry at your lack of finances, not your spouse’s spending. Get angry at demands pulling you in different directions, not your spouse staying late at work. Get angry at the limitations on intimacy, not your spouse saying no to s*x. Put the problem “out there,” separate from you and your spouse. See yourselves as fighting the problem together. Attack the problem, not each other. (2) Look for the pain. Find the pain that triggered the anger; it’s almost always there. Look for it in your spouse and in your own heart. What need isn’t being met? What wound has been exposed? What shame or fear is aroused? When you identify the pain, you’ll be miles closer to the solution. But beware! By being vulnerable, you may end up wounding each other sometimes; acknowledge it and forgive quickly. Staying engaged while risking vulnerability will increase intimacy more than anything else. So embrace anger as God’s gift, and learn how to make it work for you.
