02/05/2026
For all you married couples out there striving for better communication ...
A REFLECTION ON MARITAL COMMUNICATION AND GENTLENESS
- Fr Paul Truebenbach -
There is nothing more important in a family in general - and between a married couple in particular - than the consistent presence of gentleness. Of course, faith and prayer, honestly, and love… these are all necessary. But if we do not deal with one another in gentleness, then faith feels tyrannical, prayer feels merely obligatory, honesty feels coerced, and love seems more an idea than a living reality. Without gentleness, people lose freedom but rather feel constrained.
St. Silouan the Athonite tells a story from his youth in which he made dinner for the family, as members of his family would take turns preparing meals. He made a meal, however, containing meat, even though it was a fast day. His family said nothing but ate in peace. His father eventually reminded him of the need to pay attention to the fasting calendar, but he did not remind him of this immediately. He did not do it later in the week. He waited neither days nor weeks but months to offer the gentle correction. Months. Both the timing and the tone of the reminder was led by gentleness. The lesson became not simply a correction about fasting but was subsumed by a far greater and more impactful lesson in gentle love.
When one becomes incapable of being gentle with their spouse and/or children, it reveals a brokenness and illness in a person’s heart that is very difficult to cure. It is difficult because, when a person becomes hardened or even harsh in their manner of dealing with others, they begin to believe that the reason they lack peace is because everybody else is in the wrong. They overemphasize the mistakes of others while ignoring their own illness. “If only the people and world around me would work the way I know to be right… If only people would correct their ways… Then, I would have peace!” The world’s imperfections become a distraction from the fact that true spiritual peace (a peace which expresses itself always in gentleness) exists only when it can be maintained in times of both peace and tumult. It is not, in other words, what is wrong outside of the person that causes distress but the lack of peace from within.
People incapable of gentleness believe that their “rightness” not only gives them the excuse not to be gentle; they often don’t even recognize that they lack gentleness in the first place. And in their supposed “rightness,” they end up creating more distance in their marriage than closeness, more anxiety than comfort, and more suspicion than trust. And remember: they may indeed be right in their overall assertions, but because they are “right” in the wrong way, the best they can hope for is that their spouse and children will act the way they wish outwardly while, inwardly, they create distress and mistrust. Often, such family members only experience relief when the person with all the “rightness” is away from the home. “Rightness” without gentleness invariably injures relationships.
What does gentleness mean? It means…
- Focusing less on being right and more on doing things the right way
- Speaking only when one’s words can be described as humble and loving
- Speaking softly and calmly
- Keeping silent when emotions, especially anger, are heightened and discerning when words simply won’t be helpful
- Not reacting quickly but being patient, peaceful, and prayerful
- Asking forgiveness quickly, easily, and frequently
- Being concerned with other people’s feelings more than one’s own
- Expressing gratitude at least nine times more than corrections
- Listening more than speaking
- Allowing people to freely have a voice without interruption
- Guarding the emotions of the ones you love
- Guiding and instructing rather than criticizing
- When offering guidance, asking more than telling… and never demanding
- Assuming the best of intentions from others
- Offering understanding in mistakes
- Seeking in every interaction for the other person to leave feeling loved
Look at how St Paul describes love, and notice the hidden, underlying theme of gentleness:
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
No matter how “right” we are in family disagreements, if we fail to interact with gentleness, we are ultimately at fault. We have failed in an opportunity to create greater oneness and a stronger bond. We have denied the comfort and care that we ourselves hope to receive.
If we are incapable of such gentleness, then we must fearfully remember the words of our Lord, “Physician, heal thyself” (Luke 4:23). And until we are healed, we ought to put the greatest of efforts into begging Christ and His Mother to teach us such gentleness.
A marriage with gentleness - no matter what the struggles - is strong and steady, whereas a couple who interacts without gentleness - no matter what other blessings they have - is never truly at peace and will be built on a foundation of sand.
May the Lord grant us all this great gift of gentleness!
Image
