10/14/2024
My Rosh Hashanah sermons on Empathy, Compassion and Rational Compassion
Introduction: Each year I aim for an overarching theme for my High Holidays sermons. Last year I presented some of the teachings of Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, the legendary rabbi who found a way to blend Jewish peoplehood with advocating for universal human rights, particularly anti-racism. Rabbi Heschel showed a deep appreciation for human suffering and offered soothing through understanding of God as the God of pathos. A theology he found in the books of the Prophets of the Hebrew Bible. A God who is in the suffering with us.
He described the relationship between God and the profits, and by extension the relationship between God and us, as an emotional one in his book titled The Prophets:
An analysis of prophetic utterances shows that the fundamental experience of the prophet is a fellowship with the feelings of God, a sympathy with the divine pathos . . . the assimilation of the prophet’s emotional life to the divine. . . . The emotional experience of the prophet becomes the focal point for the prophet’s understanding of God. He lives not only his personal life, but also the life of God. The prophet hears God’s voice and feels his heart. He tries to impart the pathos of the message together with its logos (Heschel 2007, 1:26).
I believe Heschel’s message of divine pathos together with logos, logic and reason is pertinent to us this year as well. It’s been a rough year, we’ve suffered emotionally if not physically. Starting with the horrific, barbaric attack of October 7th followed by the explosion of antisemitism, that followed in its wake. As Israel fought back to rescue the hostages and re-create necessary deterrence, we watched in shock as the world turned on us. While we look for solace from God, we also look for solace, sympathy, dare I say empathy from our fellow human beings. In some cases we got it, but in way too many we didn’t. Instead we got ignorance, apathy and even hostility, from people we considered our friends and allies. How? Why?
This lack of sympathy and even hostility was a significant driving force behind my preparation for the High Holy Days this year. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under us, and with it our sense of security, our self image, and our place in the world. I grew up hearing about the horrors of the holocaust, pogroms, inquisitions, crusades, etc. but my reality seemed so far removed from it. This year I really began to understand how those things could happen.
However, unlike the explanation I was told growing up, that ultimately non Jews can’t be trusted. It’s natural for them all to hate us, because Esav hates Jacob, a biblical reference to a sibling rivalry in ancient times. I came to a different conclusion this year. I believe, and going to make the case, that many people that are expressing hostility towards us these days stems from misguided and manipulated empathy.
Defining Empathy
Before getting into my rationale I would like to take a step back and explore the concept of empathy. Before I do, I’m going to pause for you to consider what comes to mind when you think of empathy.
[Pause]
As best as I understand it, empathy is a complex emotion. That is an emotion made up of two or more basic emotions. There are differing definitions for empathy but it's generally understood to be our ability to understand and share another person’s feelings and experience. The ability to metaphorically put oneself in someone else's shoes. To suspend one’s own experience, and temporarily live in the other person's experience. To imagine and feel what the other person is feeling. To identify with them. Be deeply in it with them. Doesn't that sound good? Having empathy is increasingly seen as critical for good personal as well as overall relationships. Not having empathy is often associated with being a psychopath, or at least, a not very nice person. At the organization for which I do hospice chaplaincy, VNSNY Health, it is the first of its core values. Our former president Barack Obama put it this way:
“The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit. We are in great need of people being able to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.”
Empathy is so popular that, it seems, the only problem with it, is that we don’t have enough of it.
The more I researched it, the more excited I got about it. I hoped to turn it into a sermon but I couldn’t fit it into one without keeping you here for a very long time, so I will divide it into two sermons, delivered today and tomorrow.
History of Empathy
The idea of empathy is often traced back to our natural instinct to copy and imitate what we see. This instinct is even found in primates. It’s also traced back to what are known as mirror neurons. Monkey see, monkey do.
Now a little background on the word empathy. According to Susan Lanzoni, a historian at Harvard, the term only entered the English language around the year 1909, as a translation of the German word Einfühlung which literally translates to “in-feeling”. As best as I can understand it, empathy was originally a way of describing one’s experience when they connected to art by projecting their feelings onto it. Something along the lines of not just admiring the beauty of the art but engaging with it emotionally. Or even imagining it coming to life and what is being expressed by the subjects in the art. It only later became a term to describe the ability of understanding and sharing feelings with another .
The word empathy can be traced back to the Latin empatheia which means “physical affection or passion. It further derives from the word pathos passion or suffering.
Modern concepts of empathy can first be found in the Scottish Enlightenment in the 18th century, (tbh I didn’t even know there was a Scottish Enlightenment.) Although they often used the word sympathy to describe what we commonly think of as empathy today.
Simply put: Empathy is next level sympathy, sympathy+. Sympathy is more distant compared to empathy. With sympathy, there is some emotional engagement, which is nice, but no real emotional investment. Sympathy is “I’m sorry that happened to you” empathy is “wow! I can’t imagine what that’s like, keep going” For those interested in the differences between sympathy and empathy, there are really good videos on youtube that demonstrate it, the best one being a viral one from Brené Brown that’s been viewed by at least 1.5 million people. I posted a link to another one that you will be able to find when I post this sermon online. youtube video
To demonstrate I'll tell a brief recent story. There will be a test at the end, so I hope you're paying attention.
I was on my way back from my nephew Shuey’s incredible wedding in NewCastle, England. Shuey is pretty introverted guy and does not have a lot of friends but the wedding was near the Gateshead Yeshiva and a bunch of young Yeshiva students came to the wedding after their classes. Students who didn’t know Shuey but came to do a mitzvah. Sorry I got off on a tangent there.
Anyway I’m in Dublin trying to make my connecting flight back home. As you may know Dublin is one of the only international airports where you clear US customs instead of when you arrive in the US. Lovely, except it took more time and I was about to miss my flight. I finally get to the counter and I tell the woman that JetBlue is holding the plane for me. Really, I got a phone call asking me how much longer I would be because I was the last one to board. Her response was “hu interesting” she then sent me to the line for extra baggage checks. So, was her response empathetic, sympathetic, or just cold?. What could she have said instead? How about, I hear you but unfortunately I can’t rush this. Or, that sounds stressful, we’ll get you through as quickly as we can. I know this isn’t the best example and I have no idea what her protocol is but I hope it gets the overall point across that our responses and reactions, especially when people are in distress, matter. When people are hurting it helps to pause and empathize before offering a solution. We know from neuroscience that the way we empathize is by looking to our past experiences to help us understand and feel what they are feeling. When appropriate, we can share our experience to show that we can relate, that is without making it all about ourselves. Also, there's no test.
My personal struggles with empathy
A little self disclosure: I struggle with empathy. I thought I was really good at it, but it turns out that like most guys I struggle to consistently be empathetic, especially in personal relationships. It’s a lot easier when it’s at work and I’m in a counseling role. When Dora is upset with me for not taking out the garbage for example, it’s hard for me to be with her feelings while I’m busy defending myself. When Zahava refuses to eat something that she loved to eat a day before I have trouble getting into her little mind and heart and empathizing with her while I try to scramble to think what I can feed her without her responding, YUK! So this journey on the empathy train has been beneficial for me too.
I see the light, sort of. I see the value and importance of empathy in certain situations. The use of empathy can often do more than solve the problem being expressed. In other words, the need for empathy at times is actually the main problem and must be addressed as a separate problem. Once sufficient empathy is expressed I can move on to the original stated issue.
Limits and Dangers of Empathy
However, it seems to me that empathy is dangerously overhyped. From its origins as a concept in art, it went on to one on one interactions, but then to something much larger. It is increasingly seen and offered as the panacea for everything. It’s not!. Not only is it not the cure for all of society's ills but it can actually cause real harm.
The extreme sounding book Against Empathy: the case for rational compassion, by Professor Paul Bloom was quite an eye opener. I was initially pretty skeptical, figuring that he is a fringe contrarian, but he makes a really strong case against empathy being our moral guide. He argues that empathy for one often translates to disregard or even hostility to another. With empathy, one can get swept away with the emotions and neglect the rational mind.
Which leads me back to why I’m talking about this today in the first place.
One of my biggest struggles this year was trying to make sense of the outburst of hostility, anger, vitriol etc that exploded against Israel and the establishment Jewish community after October 7th, even before Israel invaded Gaza. This anger was expressed by proud antisemites which isn’t particularly surprising but also by people who should know better. I’m talking about social workers, journalists,… even rabbis, yes, you heard me right. Rabbis accusing Israel of genocide and by extension the rest of us, the Jewish community, as genocide enablers. How? Why?
Misguided emotional empathy! Emotional contagion! Selective empathy. Call it whatever you want. This is the only explanation that makes sense to me. Calling them all antisemites is just too simple, inaccurate and I believe, misses a significant part of what’s happening with these people.
When we see suffering, seemingly unnecessary suffering, suffering of women, children, the elderly etc we feel bad and we may even identify our own suffering with that of the victims of the suffering. Good caring empathetic people, (and most people like to think of themselves as such), don’t ignore extreme suffering, especially if they are social justice advocates, anti-racists, fighters against homophobia etc. so they try to understand it. Where do they go to make sense of it? Ah this is where it gets tricky. For too many the answer is social media. In which they are fed information by the algorithms and by their pairs. Or they go to their regular media sites many of which lean heavily to one or the other side of the political divide and left objective reporting in the dust a long time ago. Or, for many students, they get their information from professors teaching things like intersectional bubbe maises. Oversimplified theories where the world is divided between colonizers and colonized, white people, and people of color, exploiters and exploited, absolute righteous and absolute villains. Many are living in echo chambers that reinforce the same ideas and beliefs which just gets them more upset. I’ve met professors and journalists who are so idealistic they are practically missionaries.
I had a Jewish patient that was so disillusioned with Israel, particularly the oversimplified pure perfect Israel that he gave his millions to support its undermining. That's just one of many anecdotal examples of the intentional manipulation behind the supposedly spontaneous outrage. There are professionals with a lot of money behind them who are taking advantage of good people who care deeply.
If my theory about misguided empathy is right, it may help us have some sympathy, dare I say empathy, for them. If we aren't all irredeemable antisemites who must be canceled, to use the current jargon, then maybe we can have some repair in our relationships with the broader world. I found that with the extreme hostility towards us it’s been hard for me to make the space to be empathetic to the protesters or the Palestinian people. When I realize that so many of them are victims suckered into the manipulation of literal terrorists I can see their humanity. As annoying as they are, they actually are coming from a sincere place and not a place of hate.
Empathy in Judaism
I was surprised and disappointed to not find much of what I consider empathy in the Torah, and the broader Hebrew Bible. Looking at Today’s Torah reading for example I don’t see what I understand as empathy in a story that seems to be begging for it.
Sarai is suffering because she has not been able to conceive. Hagar, Sarai’s maidservant is suffering, because in addition to being a slave having no control of her life, her master Sarai is jealous of her ability to conceive. As a man, I think of Abraham needing empathy because Sarai is probably driving him crazy. And of course Hagar needs empathy when she is banished with her son, by his own father with not much more than a flask of water. In tomorrow's reading about the binding of Issac we don’t find Abraham showing much empathy to his son who is about to sacrifice. Where is the empathy? What lessons can we take from these stories about being better people?
No word for empathy in ancient Hebrew. There are a few words that offered as possible translations but there is isn’t a consensus other than empatica, which is empathy with an Israeli twist.and certainly no Biblical word for it. Chemla, Hizdahut Rigsh*t, Rachamim have all been suggested
Beyond our Torah reading there are some parts of Torah and later Rabbinic writings that can be seen as examples of empathy.
“Like water face to face, thus the heart of man to man.” –Proverbs 27:19, this idea of mirroring another, seeing what another is seeing.
You were slaves in Egypt, you know what it’s like.
Do not shame the Convert. Don’t even shame the nation they came from in front of them, even though they left it.
One example that seems like possible empathy:
Exodus 2:23-25
And it came to pass in the course of those many days that the kind of Egypt died; and the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bo***ge, and they cried, and their cry came up unto God by reason of the bo***ge. (24) And God heard their groaning, and God remembnered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. (25) And God saw the children of Israel, and God took cognizance of them.
“God took cognizance of them” empathy?
None of these fully match what I described empathy as being. One explanation is that we have become more sensitive over time. (Not sure how well this one will go over with sensitive people.) We are living in an epidemic of depression and anxiety and well a lot more sensitive than our ancestors. Another possibility is that we’ve simply become more empathetic as a result of increased awareness of the other, perhaps we have evolved to become more empathetic?
In ancient times compassion was enough. Compassion is sympathy + action. Empathy does not require action, (unless you count active listening as action).
How can we do better with empathy?
Also, it helps us address another problem, not nearly as significant a problem but still a problem, and that’s the hate coming from our own, particularly extreme Jews who dehumanize all Palestinians. Jews who misinterpret what it means to be God’s chosen people and instead advocate Jewish supremacy. I’m talking about those that attack the homes and property of random Palestinians for revenge. How do we not let our empathy for the our own people, the Jewish people, the Israeli people blind us to these wrongs? It’s easy to see it as a zero sum game but it’s not a game. Underneath all of the hostility is a battle of values. We value humanity, our enemies dehumanize. Lets do all we can to not let them win the values war either.
To be clear I’m not equating the terrorists with the ultra right wing Jews. There is a huge difference. A literal life and death difference between them. I’m simply saying that I think some of the underlying motivations of hate are coming from a similar place of mistaken empathy. People being guided primarily by their emotions. I believe that many of them are over-empathizing with the Jews suffering to the extent of not having any empathy left for the other.
Other people dehumanizing us does not justify us to dehumanize them. Just as violence or mistreatment does not retaliatory vigilante violence. In Judaism we believe that humans can make moral choices despite provocation. Others may trigger an impulse but we are responsible for how we respond to that impulse. The point of what we are doing during the high holy days is based on this basic idea. We are responsible for our actions because we have a choice
Empathy exercise———-Imagine someone or a group that you care about that is having a hard time and try to imagine yourself experiencing what they are experiencing. Now, imagine someone or a group you don’t like and try to imagine experiencing what they are experiencing.
It’s uncomfortable isn't it? It may even feel like weakness or giving others a pass. Being a doormat. But it isn't. It is strength, it is dignity.
summary
Today I offered a theory to explain the burning question of why so many people are so mad at us. While some of them are obviously Jew haters. I believe that many are confused and misguided through their empathy. The combination of social media, echo chambers, millions of dollars going into pushing a dishonest narrative, professors who have bought into the narrative presenting it and potentially biased conduits for the dissemination of potent photographic images and video lead gullible caring people to get whipped up in irrational judgment and rage.
There's also a lesson for us here about our own empathy and avoiding getting sucked in to other people's narratives as it pertains to the Palestinian issue but also in politics.
Lastly, I am not against empathy. I have witnessed the beauty and power of truly listening and feeling with another. I am for empathy but in moderation. Empathy is a powerful tool that can do tremendous good but also tremendous harm.
As reviewed, empathy used poorly can often do more harm than good. Misplaced, it can lead to inaccuracies and irrational attacks against people and communities. In our efforts to empathize we can get swept up in the feelings of the sufferer and alight with both their grief and their anger. This is where problems can arise.
Empathy, ideally expressed, can serve to connect us with one another. Can align our values with the very human experience of suffering, bridge divisions and heal misunderstandings. Feeling with one another we connect. In this new year, I strive to be more empathetic. To listen with my heart and feel your grief. I hope to remain dispassionate enough, to discern what is sorrow and what is anger so that I may express compassion rationally. Why do I want to hang on to rationality? Because I want to be useful. Therefore, my prayer for our community, this Rosh Hashanah is that we can feel all of the feelings that this moment calls for, and collectively roll up our sleeves and do the hard work of living with one another. We are human beings, pack animals who love and rely on one another. And we can drive each other crazy. It’s a choice.
Compassion -Taking The High Road 5784
Day two of Rosh Hashanah
Thesis: Being Jewish means being a compassionate (empathy+action) person. The appropriate attitude to those who've hurt us in the past, or are even currently threatening us, is first and foremost self-defense. Beyond self-defense, Judaism discourages vengeance, retaliation or even celebrating the downfall of our enemies.
Outline
Summary of yesterday
A deeper understanding of the dangers of empathy
How we can misuse empathy
Why no empathy and the Torah
Introduction
Yesterday I talked about the power of empathy, our ability to feel deeply with someone or even for a cause. I discussed the origins of the word and idea of empathy. I pointed out its incredible power to do good but also its risks of doing harm which can happen when one is caught up in empathy. For example picking sides in a conflict with limited knowledge of the details of that conflict.
I also pointed out what appears to be a lack of empathy in the Torah, and pointed out that what we do see in the Torah is compassion. Today I will continue to explore empathy and compassion (Empathy-feelings + Action) as well as rational compassion. Particularly getting caught in the same kind of selective empathy trap that I described.
In the book I mentioned yesterday by psychologist Paul Bloom Against Empathy: the case for rational compassion, I found a well thought out argument about the dangers of empathy and instead an argument for “rational compassion”. I like the term rational compassion because it includes empathy, action and using our rational minds.
Why no empathy in the Torah?
A couple of theories for why we don’t find empathy in the Torah.
One explanation is that we have become more sensitive, and need more empathy than our ancestors. A book that I’m currently reading The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt is full of statistics that show that as a society we are increasingly more depressed and anxious. Despite the promise of technology to make our lives easier and better, somehow technology is often doing the opposite. This leads us to feeling insecure and needing more validation from others. Hence a greater need for empathy than our ancestors in Biblical times.
Another possibility, a little more of a positive one, is that we’ve simply become more empathetic as a result of increased awareness of the other, as we live in an increasingly connected world. Perhaps we have evolved to become more empathetic and now crave empathy.
Selective Empathy is Not Bad. It’s Human.
Now back to empathy as a concept. I believe we all practice selective empathy to some degree. In fact, I don’t know anyone who can manage to have empathy for all the real suffering in the world. In the Information Age, we have access to so much hurt all over the world. It would completely drain us if we were empathetic for all those suffering. The millions of people suffering of starvation, displaced by conflict, the actual instances of apartheid and genocide. Like The non-Arabs in Sudan, or the Uyghur in China etc. sadly it’s a long list. Right now we are seeing the horrible destruction and suffering caused by hurricane Helene. We can’t just can’t carry that much pain in us. Thus we are forced to practice selective empathy. Based on any number of preferences having to do with our ethnic group, geography, personal causes, we choose what to give our attention to.
Selective empathy doesn’t make us bad people, it makes us human. Therefore, the question to me isnt does one practice absolute empathy for all, all the time? We don’t and we can’t. Rather to what extent do we experience empathy when we witness suffering in real life or on a screen, for whom do we have empathy, for whom do we not, and why.
Frans de Waal, a noted primatologist who has written extensively about empathy puts it this way: “We’ve evolved to hate our enemies, to ignore people we barely know, and to distrust anybody who doesn’t look like us. Even if we are largely cooperative within our communities, we become almost a different animal in our treatment of strangers.”
It’s natural to be more empathetic to members of our family and friends. It makes sense that we would feel more empathetic for people similar to us in looks, age, culture, religious practice, etc. Many of you showed more empathy and concern for the people at the Tree of Life synagogue after it was attacked compared to other antisemetic attacks. Like us it was a conservative congregation. Like us, It was people in shul. We naturally empathize more. We may also find that in the current crisis in Israel we identify with some of the hostages or victims of terror in Israel and of hate crimes here in the US more than others. It’s understandable.
The increased awareness and practice of empathy in our society is a good thing. It is a reflection of our evolution towards being better humans. Ideally, it would lead us to caring for not just people similar to ourselves but also people who are different. Ideally, it would get us to move past our biases and prejudices. Increased empathy would help us eliminate racism, xenophobia, homophobia. Great!
———-Empathy Exercise: Imagine some person or group that you care about, that you love, that is in the midst of an extremely difficult time. Try to imagine and even feel what they are feeling. [pause] Now, think of someone or a group you normally wouldn’t feel much empathy for, some person or group you barely give a thought to, or altogether dislike or even find repulsive, and try to open your heart to them for this brief moment
In an ideal world we may be able to hold empathic space for everyone, even those Chasidic Neturei Karta guys at the anti Israel rallies or the Palestinians. In reality it’s extremely hard to do. The High Holy Days are as good a time as any to examine our empathy allocation. We need to express our hurt, anger, fear, etc. for our own people and our own suffering before we can entertain the higher level skill of empathy. The higher level skill being empathy for those outside of our community. Even, one day, our enemies.
The High Holidays are also a time to be compassionate with ourselves, and forgive ourselves, for our inability to empathize for all. To forgive ourselves for not being perfect, not living up to the sometimes very high standards we have for ourselves.
Let’s commit to use empathy.To be careful to use our own empathy for good and not to perpetuate the hate and hurt that so many are feeling.
Summary: Empathy, the complex emotion that describes our deep concern for another is really good and in vogue, as it should be. It is also an important Jewish value. But we can’t just operate in empathy. Instead we need compassion. But compassion with out morality and rationality is dangerous too. Thus may we have rational compassion. Knowing where to put our empathic energy, and what the right way to act on it is.
However, like many good things it can be used negatively too, sometimes intentionally by for example narcissists, but often also by those unaware that they are misusing it. One such way is through selective empathy. Caring about certain people’s suffering but not other people's suffering. It’s impossible to be empathetic to all the people suffering in the world, thus selective empathy is normal. BUT, for whom and how we express our empathy shows our preferences and biases and as we've seen from many of the “pro-Palestine” protesters, empathy can actually be used as a weapon of hate towards us, the “Zionists”, in other words, the Jews. It is right for us to see prejudice cloaked as empathy for what it is and condemn it. It is also right to challenge ourselves about our own selective empathy and see where we can improve to align more closely with our own Jewish values.
How can we do better with empathy?
Yesterday, I focused more on our detractors. The protesters and critics that, I believe, have gotten carried away by their empathy to identify so strongly with the Pallestinians that they lose sight of our humanity.
But we have a problem too. Our defensiveness from criticism and our empathy for our fellow Jews can lead us to ignore or excuse bad behavior. Jews who engage in violence or dehumanize Palestinians are not behaving Jewishly. Jews who think they are superior human beings because we are the “chosen people” or for whatever reason are giving into their basic animalistic drives that are dangerous and corroding to the soul.
To be abundantly clear I am not making false equivalencies or even comparing the two. People often try to justify Palestinian terrorism by bringing up the occasional violence perpetrated by Jews. The US government is sanctioning some violent settlers and people love to bring that up as proof that Israel is just as bad. It’s not!
How do we not let our empathy for the our own people, the Jewish people, the Israeli people blind us to these wrongs? It’s easy to see empathy as a zero sum game but it’s not a game. Underneath all of the hostility is a battle of values. We value humanity, our enemies do not value humanity. They dehumanize.
To repeat, I’m not equating the Palestinian terrorists, nor their sympathizers with the ultra right wing Jews. There is a huge difference. I’m simply saying that I think some of the underlying motivations of hate are coming from a similar place of mistaken empathy. People being guided primarily by their emotions. I believe that many of them are over-empathizing with the Jews suffering to the extent of not having any empathy left for the other.
Other people dehumanizing us does not justify us dehumanizing them. Just as violence or mistreatment does not justify vigilante violence. In Judaism we believe that humans can make moral choices despite provocation. Others may trigger an impulse but we are responsible for how we respond to that impulse. The point of what we are doing during the high holy days is based on this basic idea. We are responsible for our actions because we have a choice. We could do differently. We could choose to respond to the suffering of our people by acting out hatred against our enemies–misguided empathy–or by having active compassion for them.
