02/22/2023
My older brother struggled with addiction, so there was a lot of chaos in our household. I’m the second oldest of 5, so when he was around, it was my responsibility to gather up my siblings and take them somewhere else. I was kind of my family’s PR person.
At the time, I don't think I ever processed it. It was more like, “there's a responsibility that I need to take on and I just need to get through it”.
Because of that experience, that’s how I've handled stressful situations as an adult. Like, I just need to figure out the plan and then I can think about how I feel when it's over.
But 3 months into being in NYC, I got really sick and it forced me to slow down and process everything that had happened.
The first thing that came up was a lot of anxiety. It was uncomfortable because I feel like my mentality has always been, “what’s the point of reflecting on this? It's over.” I've been distracting myself from difficult feelings for so long that I'm often out of touch with them.
But now I’m just trying to reframe that it's an important thing. That God gave us feelings for a reason and I shouldn’t ignore them.
Another realization is that I’ve always said that I want to serve and care for people, but how was I going to relate to people well if I was this unemotional, robot of a person? How was I supposed to empathize and step into heartbreak and grief with others if I haven’t dealt with my emotions?
I think it’s God's desire for me to get back in touch with them and not just put my head down and get through them. I realize I can’t fully step into what He’s called me to in loving people without dealing with a lot of my feelings.
So now, I’m just focusing on creating margin in my life to stop and pause and reflect. It's something that will probably be a lifelong challenge just because of how I'm wired and how I grew up. But I'm more aware now and understand the value of being emotionally healthy over being productive.
Practically, one thing my husband does that's really helpful is, at the end of the day, ask how I am instead of what I did. To be able to feel anything about what has gone on in the day has been an important shift. - Sarah
