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Heart of the Father Ministry, 12705 SE River Road, APT 604A. Portland, Laguna Woods, CA (2026)

Heart of the Father Ministry is a name for different ministries I do, healing prayer counseling, teaching on Father's love, being a free agent of joy-- spreading joy, teaching brain science discoveries to provide emotional and spiritual maturity.

Taking Care of Myself and Others with Joy and Love Papa Joe pastorjoejohnson@gmail.com, Portland, Oregon, +1-714-756-0...

09/01/2025

Taking Care of Myself and Others with Joy and Love
Papa Joe [email protected], Portland, Oregon,
+1-714-756-0088

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

What is joy?

Joy is a relational emotion. It’s different from happiness. You can be happy all by yourself, based on your circumstances. But joy needs another person or the memory of another person. Joy is a relational experience of sharing gladness to be with another person.. We rejoice that we are together. Paul writes in 2 Timothy, 1:4 “Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy.”

John Mark Comer shares in a YouTube podcast, “Our brain literally has a ‘joy center,’ in the right orbital prefrontal cortex, It is the only part of the brain that never loses its capacity to grow which is why many elderly people are the happiest people you know. They’ve been growing their ‘joy center’ for many years.” I have been growing my joy center for 82 years.

Joy happens in the sympathetic (high energy nervous system). Peace is in the parasympathetic system (low energy) . We need both joy and peace. Joy is high energy, peace is low energy joy. Peace is the counterpart to joy Joy is the high-energy feeling of shared excitement. Peace is the low-energy feeling of contentment. It is the feeling of being safe, calm, and connected. Joy is the key to emotional capacity. It should be understood, however, that we always mean the rhythm of joy and rest that includes peace and contentment.

Joy is a fuel for love and love for joy. Joy is knowing God and others are glad to be with me,
God is “glad to be with us” no matter the state we are in – whether in shame, anger, disgust or sad, anger hopeless despair. loving me tenderly no matter what I am feeling. Joy is the celebration of attachment (Hebrew—hesed) love. Joy is our strength. Joy lets us suffer well when we must suffer. When we are glad to be with someone, the energy of that joy strengthens our attachment. When we share joy we become attached. We both smile. Without attachment we won’t have joy. We build relational joy when we let our face light up when we see those we love.

The Greek word for joy is “chara”. The Greek word for grace is “charis”. We feel joy when we experience grace— God’s loving acceptance and delight in us. The Greek word for rejoice “chairete” means to be filled with joy.

Dr Jim Wilder, a neurotheologian: I started learning about joy about 10 years ago from Jim Wilder He writes, “Joy is primarily transmitted through the face (especially the eyes) and secondarily through the voice. Joy does not exist outside of a relationship.”
Three practices that help me experience joy filled love caring for myself and others.
1. Be with Jesus
Abide with Jesus (John 15); be attached to Jesus with His “hesed’ (Hebrew for sticky love) John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love.” Be attached to Jesus’ love—hesed and joy—glad to be with us.
2. Become like Jesus. Jesus experienced Father’s love as delight during his baptism. Mark 1:11 ‘My beloved son with whom I am well pleased” We receive the same love and delight (joy) He received from Father during his baptism. We experience intimacy with Father’s love that Jesus enjoyed through the ministry of the Holy Spirit. We need a relationship with Holy Spirit like Jesus enjoyed. Jesus was anointed with Holy Spirit We read in Acts That Jesus was filled with Holy Spirit and joy. Jesus prays and expresses a longing for us to experience the same love (delight) He received from His Father. John 17:25-26. When we embrace Jesus we embrace Father’s love for us.

This enables me to
3. Do what Jesus did, I am learning to live my life with Jesus in the kingdom of the heavens as Jesus would live my life if He were walking in my tennis shoes. Jesus spreads joy and love through who I am.

I do not choose Joy. Joy comes online before conscious thoughts or choices or decisions. Jim Wilder, “Choosing joy and choosing blood pressure are about equivalent. Joy and blood pressure are not under our direct control. The systems are only indirectly influenced.” Happy does not equal joy. We may choose to be happy no matter what is happening. I don’t choose to feel sad, angry, disgust, shame, fear or despair.

I choose activities which release joy. How do I activate joy?

1. We notice our bodies and feelings in order to feel joy. In order to feel the pleasure of God’’s company we must be present to what is happening in our bodies, We may not feel joy if we are afraid of our feelings and avoid them. We notice our bodies, our five senses, seeing hearing, touch, smelling, tasting. When I close my eyes and imagine Jesus smiling face of grace filled joy I feel a smile forming on my face

2 . Worship connects us to God’s presence which bring’s joy. God is glad to be with us. The Greek word for worship “proskuneo” means “come forward to kiss.” Worship is an experience of intimacy with God. God loves us first. When we worship God we are loving God with the love He gives us. “I love you too.” We are glad to be together loving one another.

3. We activate joy when we welcome each person of the Trinity, Father Son and Holy Spirit we are glad to be with us. Holy Spirit pours Father’s love into my heart. Romans 5:5 Luke writes in the book of Acts 13:52 “ And the disciples were filled with joy and with Holy Spirit.”Joy is our response to Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father being glad to be with us. I call this Holy Spirit joy strength. The Apostle Paul encourages us to keep on being filled with Holy Spirit in Ephesians 5:18. I pray “Come Holy Spirit” I am not passive, I ask Holy Spirit to fill me. Holy Spirit gives free refills. In Europe you pay for refills. In America we get free refills. Holy Spirit is American. I experience Holy Spirit’s joy, manifest presence in my body with a smile on my face and sometimes a tickle which becomes a giggle if I give expression out loud to go with the feeling.

4. Tears may help us experience intimacy with God. For me tears are often a bodily response to the presence of Holy Spirit and feeling loved by the Father or Jesus which brings joy.I am surprised that joy and laughter sometimes follow right after tears for me.
” Psalm 126:5 "Those who sow with tears will reap with shouts of joy
Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may endure for the night, joy (rejoicing) comes in the morning.
Psalm 38:9"Lord, you know all my desires and deepest longings. My tears are liquid words."The Passion Translation
“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears…” Hebrews. 5:7
Tears may flow during intercession.
Tears are common with grief and feeling sad. We can also have tears of joy or other feelings, anger, fear, relief, tender compassion or empathy. When I am praying for someone and I see tears I may ask the person what feelings go with your tears. Often it is feeling God’s tender love or presence of Holy Spirit or feeling sad because of loss.

Tears flow easily for me. Sometimes I wonder if I have the gift of tears. Jeremiah was called the “weeping prophet.”

What is your experience with tears? When was the last time you cried? What was happening? Did you learn to cry when you were little?

5. Gratitude is a password/on ramp into God’s presence which brings joy and peace.
Ps 100:4 Enter his gates (presence) with thanksgiving, into his courts with praise. “Gratitude is a password into our awareness of God, We specifically choose gratitude because it is the easiest and fastest path to connection and because throughout Scripture God in His wisdom has always encouraged us to give thanks.”
“Immanuel means that God is always with us and desires to interact with us in all situations.” “Joyful Journey”, p. 16
Gratitude trains us to recognize God’s goodness so we can see Immanuel in every situation of our lives. Immanuel journaling is about interacting with the “God who is with us” and practicing gratitude daily gets us in touch with God’s goodness and enables us to perceive God’s presence.

Practicing gratitude and appreciation activates joy (1) I feel grateful (2) I open my heart and listen to God until I feel peace (3) I notice what gave me peace

Grateful memories: Remember a favorite tree during your childhood. What are you enjoying about this tree. Imagine Jesus being with you in the memory. Share your grateful with Jesus, Ask Jesus what He wants you to know in this memory with the tree. Share your experience.

6. Smile whenever we greet those we love and with strangers. We activate joy through our face, voice tone and eye contact. Smiles that are returned with smiles, with eye contact bless our joy strength. Jim Wilder teaches that when we grow older culture gives us permission to smile at strangers, women, men, older, younger, children, everyone in all kinds of situations We spread joy through our face, voice tone and eye contact. Smiles that are returned with smiles, with eye contact bless our joy strength. Smile whenever we greet those we love and with strangers. We lose eye contact when our joy switch is turned off.

7. Anticipating something joyful. What is something you are joyfully anticipating?

8. Respond “I am glad to be with you.” when someone asks, “How are you?”

9. I ask Jesus, “How do you see me?” “What do you want me to know?” “What do you like about me? Are you glad to be with me?

10. Breath prayers, “ruach” the Hebrew word for spirit is also the word for breath. Focus on your breathing to connect with “ruach” the Holy Spirit.

11. Talk to Jesus about everything— Immanuel prayer. Jesus is always glad to be with us.. How would you like to imagine Jesus is with you right now?
12. Laughter together with others is often joyful.
13. Notice how often we find joy in the Bible, especially in the Psalms

Psalm 16:11 “In your presence (face) there is fullness of joy”
1 Thessalonians 5:16 “ Rejoice always.”
Romans 12 Rejoice with those who rejoice
Philippians 1:4 Paul, “I always pray for you with joy.”
Romans 11:12 “Rejoice in hope”
Nehemiah 8:10 “The joy of the Lord is your strength.”
Galatians 5:22 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace….”
Romans 5:3”Rejoice in your suffering which produces endurance….”

14. Reflect on who is a who is a face of grace—joyful love in your life , who you know is glad to be with you, accepts you, delights in you; you feel joy being together, you feel seen and special.

15. Thin places where we feel God’s loving presence activate joy and love
You and I are one in whom Holy Spirit dwells. We are a "thin place”. NT Wright “We are those in whom Holy Spirit comes to live. We are God's new temple... places where heaven and earth meet.”

16. Rhythms of rest are needed to maintain a joyful, peaceful brain.
God designed our brain to run on rhythms of joy and rest (or ‘quiet’) and peace. Romans 15:13 Peace comforts us. Rest renews us to enter into more joy. We get in the car after joy in the park; now we have quiet together.

17 Hugs 101 Different kinds of hugs: side by side, arms around shoulders, back rub, burp , one arm starting with a handshake, A frame, leaning into the arm and shoulder of a taller person, long hugs.

18. Create appreciation—“packaged joy”
Appreciation is biblical! See Philippians 4:8-9 “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever
is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Ask Jesus to help you find an appreciation moment from this past week or childhood, or a memory of something you enjoy, a grateful moment, a person, or an experience of feeling close to God, a happy place.
Notice specific details in the moment of appreciation, where you are, approximately how old
you are, who is with you, what you are feeling. Notice where Jesus (Immanuel) is with you. Imagine specifically where Jesus is or where you would like Him to be with you. Notice one or more of the five senses—eyesight, hearing, touch. Tell Jesus what you are grateful for in this memory. Ask Jesus what His response is to your grateful. Notice how He feels toward you. Give the memory a title-a word or a phrase.

19 Receive blessings
You may want to pray out loud or silently before you receive a blessing, “I open my heart to you Holy Spirit” or “Father, Son, Holy Spirit”
When I minister the Aaronic blessing “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn his face towards you and give you peace.” Number 6:24-26 this blessing falls under the definition of joy that Dr Alan Schore discovered from his research on the brain. “May you feel the joy of God’s face shining on you because He is happy to be with you!”

11/16/2024

"The Bible doesn’t give us a god at the top of a moral ladder saying, 'Look at the people who have found God through their great performance and their moral record. Be like them!' Of course not! Instead, over and over again, the Bible gives us absolutely weak people who don’t seek the grace they need and who don’t deserve the grace they get.” Tim Keller’s wedding sermon quoted in
Hansen, Collin. "Timothy Keller: His Spiritual and Intellectual Formation"

11/16/2024

Check out my Heart of the Father Ministry page https://www.facebook.com/Heartofthefatherministries/ with some of my teachings. This photo is from Treungen, Norway where my great grandpapa Ole Sunderland was baptized and my ancestors farmed. I visited the house and saw the stairways where he lived.

05/02/2024

John Mark Comer, "There’s great joy to be found in repetition, if we can learn to be patient and full of delight in the present moment. No one has ever said this better than G. K. Chesterton:"

'Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that he has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.’ P. 67 “Practicing the Way; Be with Jesus, Become like Him, Do what He Did”

I practice an “unforced rhythm of grace” praying 3x a day,
(1) when I wake up, before I get out of bed in the morning, praying Our Father.... (2) when I take a nap, praying for the “lost” (3) before I go to sleep, praying a grateful for the day. I am happy and grateful this has become a habit through repetition. I don’t need to remind myself to do it.

10/04/2022

“Finding Joy in the Transitions of Life”

1. God designed our brains for joy and attachment love.

Brain neuroscientist, Dr Alan Schore, describes joy as “being the sparkle in someone’s eye.” Joy is the feeling I have when someone is glad to be with me and we communicate eye to eye with a smile, facial expressions and tone of voice that come from our hearts with thoughts and feelings, “I am glad to be with you.”

Mothers smiling with babies is the best picture of what joy is. The deepest craving a baby has is for attachment . We are looking for someone who is looking for us, who is glad to be with us. Our joyful identity is developed in the first two years of life. When mom is glad to be with us, dopamine is created by our brains. The baby's brain develops an identity that says, "I am loved.” Jesus, “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.” John 16:21
Jesus came so that our joy would be full. John 15:11; 17:13 . “Everything I taught you is so your joy can be full, the best joy possible.”

Joy is a “happy to be together-ness” Joy is relational We need facial joy like we need food and oxygen. Joy is like oil in the car. It makes it run better and without it the car breaks down. God designed our brains to be fundamentally relational and run on the fuel of joy. When we build joy together we become more like our true selves, more like how God designed us. Growing our joy strength is the key to resilience and being the best “me” I can be. Joy is experienced in relational interactions with God and others.

The fruit of walking in the Spirit includes joy. – Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

Marcus Warner and Stephanie Hinman, “Building Bounce: How to Grow Emotional Resilience” “The counterpart to joy is peace. Joy is the high-energy feeling of shared excitement. Peace is the low-energy feeling of contentment. It is the feeling of being safe, calm, and connected. Joy is the key to emotional capacity. It should be understood, however, that we always mean the rhythm of joy and rest that includes peace and contentment. Joy is not a choice.The part of your brain that experiences joy is located in the non-verbal right hemisphere of the brain. This part of your brain is where most of your relational circuitry is. It is also where we react to situations faster than you can think about them.” Quieting (shalom) after both joyful and upsetting emotions is the strongest predictor of life-long mental health.”

“The joy of the Lord is your strength” Nehemiah 8:10 Relational joy is the key to emotional resilience. The more joy we have, the more hardship we can handle, and the faster we can bounce back from upsetting emotions. When we are feeing sad, unhappy, we can still feel joy when we have others who are glad to be with us. We are not alone, Immanuel is with us.

Validation + comfort = recovery from unpleasant emotions (act like my best self, feel joy) We help one another recover from the seven strong emotions when we name the emotion and how big it is. Without validating suffering our words of comfort may feel like minimizing the pain. When I empathize with a person with simple words like "You have suffered a lot!" and validate the emotions that accompany the suffering, naming them specifically it easier for the person to feel comforted. I can also process my own pain by naming what I am feeling,

"Emotional maturity is all about allowing ourselves to feel the emotions of life and then return to joy—that inner place where we know we are not alone—and God or someone else is glad to be with us no matter what….....Without unpleasant emotions, emotional maturity and joy will always elude us, because we’re denying ourselves the chance to let others be with us in our pain. Triggered emotions feel very real in the present when they may not be about a present situation, can easily be connected to our past.” Deni Huttula

We feel involuntarily. Emotions happen before we think about them. I do not choose joy or decide to have joy and other emotions. There are choices we make that may activate joy.

The seven strong emotions: SAD SAD (Sad, Afraid, Despair, Shame, Anger, Disgust plus attachment pain
1. Sad – I have lost something that brought me joy
2, Anxious –I’m afraid I won’t find joy in the future. (Anxiety is rooted
in imagination. Fear is a response to something that threatens me.)
3. Despair - I feel like joy is impossible. Hopelessness. I don’t have resources to handle this.
4. Shame – I feel like hiding because I can tell you are not glad to be with me anymore, I am not bringing you joy. Toxic shame is a left brain response to lies, “I am a bad person”
5. Anger - I want something to stop right now because it is robbing me of joy and causing me pain.
6. Disgust – I feel like recoiling from a person or situation
Write ten losses in your life and if you want to a number how big the loss is from 1-10. Imagine Jesus being next to you as you are writing, sharing your loss with Jesus.

2. Exercises and practices which build our joy strength and increases our emotional resilience.
1. Rest – rhythms of rest in our days and weeks are needed to maintain a joyful, peaceful brain. Muscles grow in between workouts, if we work out every single day we can damage our muscles. We give ourselves time for rest and repair. God designed our brain to run on rhythms of joy and rest (or ‘quiet’) and peace. Romans 15:13 Peace comforts me. Rest renews us to enter into more joy. We get in the car after joy in the park; now we have quiet together. 
2. Smile whenever we greet those we love and with strangers. We spread joy through our face, voice tone and eye contact. Smiles that are returned with smiles, with eye contact bless our joy strength.

3. We notice our bodies and feelings in order to feel joy. We must be present to what is happening in our bodies. We may not feel joy if we are afraid of our feelings and avoid them.

4. Creating appreciation

Appreciation is recognizing the value of someone or something and feeling grateful.
Appreciation help us open our hearts to see God’s gifts and experience God’s presence and love. Appreciation releases serotonin (brain neurotransmitter which helps me be calm). During appreciation memories we activate gratitude and oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is the bonding to love hormone. There is a burst of a oxytocin when a mother gives birth and when she nurses her baby. Brain scanners show that during expressions of gratitude or appreciation the relationship circuits in the brain turn on. Appreciation is “packaged joy” Appreciation moments. Appreciation is biblical! See Philippians 4:8-9 “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
 Ask Jesus to help you an appreciation moment from this past week or childhood, or a memory of something you enjoy, a grateful moment, a person, or an experience of feeling close to God.
Notice specific details in the moment of appreciation, where you are, approximately how old you are, who is with you, what you are feeling. Be aware of Jesus’ presence. Notice one or more of the five senses—eyesight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. Imagine specifically where Jesus is- or where you would like Him to be with you.
Tell Jesus what you are grateful for.
Ask Jesus what He wants you to know.
Notice your first thoughts as you listen to his response to your question.
Give the appreciation moment a title—word or phrase

5. Respond “I am glad to be with you.” when someone asks “How are you?”
6. Deep breathing and breath prayers :“ruach” the Hebrew word for spirit is also the word for breath.
7; Remember and give thanks for a face of grace in your life—someone who is glad to be with you, accepts, delights in you. You feel joy being together. You feel seen, understood, loved, special, favored.
8. Laughter together with others is often joyful.
9. Remembering a person’s name brings joy.
10. The sound of my voice.
11. Blessing others with joy. The Aaronic blessing, Numbers 6:24, “The Lord make his face shine on you” and “the Lord turn his face toward you is the neurological definition of joy. To have God’s face is to have God’s presence. The Hebrew word for face is “panim”. There is no Hebrew word for presence. Sometimes the Hebrew word ‘’panim” is translated presence. Psalm16: 11 “In you presence (“panim= face) ) is fullness of joy.” Psalm 89:15 blessed… who walk in the light of your presence (“panim”=f face).

12. (1) Be with Jesus. Talk to Jesus about everything. (2) Be like Jesus. (receive Father’s love and Holy Spirit’s power. (3) Do what Jesus would do if He was who I am. Jesus is always glad to be with us. How would you like to imagine Jesus is with you right now?

13. Thin places where we feel God’s loving presence activates joy and love.
Build attachment love which builds joy.

We have grace to pursue God’s love as we behold God’s loving pursuing us. We lean into and receive God’s love which is always coming after us. “Goodness and mercy (love) pursue me all the days of my life.” Psalm 23:7 “I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved…” Colossians 3: 12 "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Notes on attachment from Jim Wilder teachings:

(1) One Hebrew word for God’s love is “hesed” which refers to the permanent love that is glued to us and stays attached regardless of how we act. It is impossible to be separated from God’s love. In Romans 8:31-39 the Apostle Paul wonders at the strength of God’s love.

(2) Attachment is the best word neuroscientists could find for what attaches people together and little ones to their parents. “Hesed” includes what neuroscience describes as attachment and more. Attachment is the strongest motivation or impetus in the human mind. Parents run into burning buildings risking their lives to save their children because of attachment love.

(3) In 1 Corinthians 13 the Apostle Paul uses the the word “agape” to describe “hesed”. Both agape and hesed = attachment, relational love. The best of both divine and human love is called hesed in the Hebrew Scriptures and agape in Greek. Whenever we see the word agape or hesed in the Bible we could say attachment love. The word abide in John 15 could be translated as attached.

(4) We are most profoundly shaped by who loves us and who we love. Western Christianity has long taught that we are transformed by what we believe and what we choose. In the human brain, identity and character are formed by who we love and who loves us. We receive our identity from those who love us and those whom we love.

(5) Attachment (or bonding) is the strongest force in the human brain and it drives transformation. Our brains are designed in such a way that we will only allow someone with whom we are strongly bonded to change our character. Once we are bonded, our identity center opens up and begins to track and imitate behavior and attitudes – everything from mannerisms to speech patterns to character traits to beliefs, we imitate and become like those with whom we have strong bonds. It doesn’t matter if this is a healthy bond or unhealthy, we will change to be like those to whom we are strongly bonded.

(6) It is important to note that we become like these people actually are, not who they profess to be. Our brains connect and track far below the conscious level of thought. We track people’s actual character and behavior, not what they tell us to do, say, or believe.

(7) If our bond is based around joy and love, we will track all that is joyful and loving about life and people. If our bond is based around fear, we will track everything that is scary about people and life. If our bond is based around shame, we will track everything shameful about ourselves and others.

(8) God has created our brain so access is allowed only for relationships that involve
attachment love. The protection is that we need attachment for someone to give us our identity. God created a firewall in our brain that protects me from just anyone telling me who I am. A firewall keeps fire from going from one room to another. It is a protection from harm, not a barrier caused by harm. The firewall prevents strangers from telling us who we are.
Loving attachments are needed to open the firewall.
Attachment pain:
We experience attachment pain when we are missing someone who is not with us. This love attachment to a person is like a parking space in our hearts that is reserved permanently for that person. There is no substitute to fill that parking space in our hearts. us to seek relief. We experience this deep attachment pain when we feel alone, don’t feel like we belong, or when someone we love is missing. This pain is so deep that we can’t consciously control it. We can only recognize it indirectly when we learn to notice its symptoms. There is no substitute for this person. Only that person will do. We may find another person who fills a new parking space. We understand how big and strong attachment love is when we feel attachment pain.
Amplifies all unpleasant emotions and experiences. Is the biggest emotional pain.
Jesus is the best one to be with us in our attachment pain. He is Immanuel, with us in our pain feeling tender towards our weakness, glad to be with us, knowing and understanding how big and overwhelming attachment pain is.
We may process the pain through grieving and lamenting our loss and sadness and with Immanuel’s tender loving presence and a listening friend who validates our suffering and comforts us with her/his love, sometimes holding us.
There is no substitute for attachment pain to shrink the pain. People tend to believe that grief shrinks over time. What really happens is that we grow around our grief.

4. Ways we build hesed attachment love with God and others.

(1) The weak and the strong need each other to grow in hesed love. The weak help the strong to move out of their comfort zone and grow by taking on challenges to care for the weak. Without the weak we may not learn how to respond tenderly toward our own weakness.

(2) Practicing sharing weakness deepens hesed. “So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

(3) Receiving and giving hugs and loving affection builds hesed.
The father of the prodigal son sees his son returning home. He is filled with compassion and runs to his son, hugs him and kisses him. Luke 15:19
Hugs release oxytocin (bonding to love hormone), serotonin (calming neural transmitter) Hugs 101 — different kinds of hugs: side by side, arms around shoulders, back rub, one arm, A frame, leaning into the arm and shoulder of a taller person, long hugs

5. Relational Circuits. Notes from the books, “Joyful Journey” and “Rare Leadership.”

God designed actual physical circuits in our biological brain to facilitate our longing and need for relationship. We were created to be relational beings, reflecting the loving interaction and connection between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit . Relational Circuits (RCs) like our visual circuits. When we close our eyes, we can’t see; when we open our eyes, we can. RCs can be like opening and closing your eyes. Like flipping a light switch on and off. When they are off, it’s more difficult to relate to God or others, or even want to. We become left- brained problem-solvers, ie: problems become bigger than relationships. When our RCs are on, we more easily perceive God’s presence desire to connect with others. We more readily want to participate in giving and receiving love. We value our relationships, whether we are in joy or in pain.

Relational Circuits on or off

Curiosity
• ON: I can feel curiosity about what people are thinking and feeling.
• OFF: I do not feel curious about what others are thinking and feeling, nor do I want to.
Appreciation
• ON: I can feel appreciation in my thoughts and my body. I remember feeling grateful and I feel appreciation for the things or people.
• OFF: I feel resentment. I do not feel appreciation or gratitude, nor do I want to. I am focused on what bothers, annoys or hurts, Kindness
• ON: I can feel kind and stay tender toward others right now.
OFF: I would rather win and get what I want. I have no desire to be kind.
Eye Contact
ON: I look other people in the eye. • OFF: I avoid eye contact

6. St. Ignatius exercise called the Examen brings healing for loss and attachment pain through gratefuls (consolation) and not gratefuls (desolation) and helps us return to joy.
Gratitude is a pathway into God’s presence. Positive reflections build joy strength.
Not so gratefuls: Often when I name areas where I am not doing well or lost my peace it helps me validate what I am feeling and share these feelings with Jesus and a friend and ask for help. Not gratefuls may be expressed as prayers of lament

Laments are expressions of loss or sadness
Habakkuk 3:17-19 NLT. “Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; and even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; and even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty,
Gratitude/appreciation yet I will still rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation. The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
In order to get to the place of rejoicing it helps to name for what I am not grateful, what I wished had happened, dreamed would happen, wanted to happen, expected to happen, did not happen and then to let it go. This is what Habakkuk is teaching us. We name everything that didn't happen which enables us to let go and open our heart to God and surrender all of it to God. We are free from what we have been holding on to and free to receive new dreams.
Gratefuls (consolation) Write ten gratefuls as prayers to Jesus or God.
For what appreciation moments today or recently or in my life am I grateful? “Lord I am grateful for……”Imagine Jesus being next to you as you are writing,
Not so grateful (desolation) Write 10 not so gratefuls as prayers of lament, “Lord I am not grateful for…..” Imagine Jesus being next to you as you are writing,

7. We primarily hear from God with our thoughts—thought Rhyming with God
Notes from the book, “Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel”, Jim Wilder and others

In Ephesians 2:10 Paul uses the Greek word, “poiema”, which literally means God’s poetry. . Poetry in Scripture does not rhyme sounds; it follows the Hebrew pattern which rhymes thoughts. This means that as God’s poetry, our thoughts can rhyme with our Heavenly Father’s. We see this in the Psalms. The second line of a verse often restates the idea of the first line or takes the idea and builds on it. The second line is a thought rhyme.
We can have mutual-mind which connects us to God and others. We learn to think and feel the way people we love think and feel. It works faster than the conscious mind. The attunement level of the brain makes meaningful communication possible between two minds by establishing a mutual mind-state.
Often in conversation we easily finish each others sentences and thoughts. In a mutual mind state we are not sure where our thoughts stop and the other person's thoughts begin. When establishing a mutual-mind state, we learn to think and feel the way people we love think and feel. A mutual mind is experienced when we “read” someone’s body language.
The interesting aspect of the mutual-mind state in the brain is that it works faster than the conscious mind so that we are never sure whether a mutual-mind thought is theirs or ours. This is what happens with God when we ask and listen for God's response to something we appreciate. We expect a similarity between God’s thoughts and our thoughts.
Thoughts that rhyme with God’s thoughts produce shalom (peace). Colossians 3: 15 :”Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful”. The Greek word for rule literally means "sit as an umpire". Peace acts like a referee in our lives who "stops the action" every time shalom is missing. The rule for our life and relationships is that everything is in shalom. This happens when we are synchronized with God's thoughts, when our thoughts rhyme with God's thoughts.
A shalom check tests for the witness of Holy Spirit within us and between us, whether we accept out thoughts as truth about ourselves and if our experience matches God’s character as revealed in Scripture. We ask, “Does this feel true?”

A Look Inside the Brain notes from The Joy Switch”, Chris Coursey
The brain’s relational circuit is a four-level system located on the right side of the brain. This “control center” is largely nonverbal and consists of two upper levels and two lower levels. For the most part, we are aware of the activity in the higher levels. The lower levels, 1 and 2, are deeper in the control center, which means we are less aware of what’s happening. When the four levels work together, our relational engine fires. We are fully engaged. Any time there is a disruption and we lose our ability to manage what we feel, the lower, non-relational levels take over. We now lose our ability to stay relational with the people around us. We feel small while circumstances or emotions feel big. Here is a summary with an overview for each level.

Lower Levels In The Relational Engine
1. Level 1—Attachment: The attachment center where we securely (or insecurely) attach to people who share joy and let us rest.
a. Example: I bond with the person who is consistently glad to be with me, who lets me rest when I need to.
b. Location: Thalamus and nucleus accumbens.
2 Level 2—Assessment: The guard shack where we watch for opportunities to approach and connect, or fearfully avoid when something threatens our joy. Here is our brain’s survival circuit, which is our “self-preservation” center, in charge of the fight, flight, and freeze response.
a. Example: If I touch a hot stove, I quickly move my hand without thinking about it.
b. Location: Amygdala. Upper Levels In The Relational Engine
Upper Levels In The Relational Engine
1 Level 3—Attunement: The emotional regulator where we stay connected in high-energy joy states and coast to low-energy quiet states. Here we use the correct amount of energy to maintain our interactions. We learn to return to joy when distressing emotions arise.
a. Example: I walk into the room and notice you are napping so I lower my voice and move quietly.
b. Location: Cingulate cortex.
2. Level 4—Action: The brain’s “captain,” who oversees our ability to use the best of our brain’s resources so we stay creative, purposeful, goal-directed, thoughtful and resourceful. We act like our true, relational selves using all the best expressions of our identity when Level 4 is running.
a.Example: In every situation my Level 4 focuses on staying my relational self whether I am joyful, sad, angry, hurt or distressed. The Level 4 asks, “How do I best reflect my character and identity in this situation?”
b. Location: Prefrontal cortex.

Interactive Gratitude: Write anything I appreciate or feel grateful for and then write God’s response to one of my gratefuls.
I write my gratefuls to God (or Jesus, Holy Spirit, Father) Dear God, I am grateful for……..

2. I choose one of the gratefuls and I ask God, “What is your response to my grateful and write my first thoughts or impressions. Dearly loved _______________ (your name) ………..

Practice thought rhyming with God by doing Immanuel journaling or texting.
Exodus 3:7-8 We allow God to guide our minds toward peace using the five ways God spoke to Moses during the burning bush recorded in Exodus 3:7-9 Then the Lord said, “I have seen how cruelly my people are being treated in Egypt; I have heard them cry out to be rescued from their slave drivers. I know all about their suffering. I have come down to rescue them from the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into land flowing with milk and honey.
Genesis 16:13 Hagar gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.
How do you see, hear, know and understand, are glad to be with me? helping me?

1. I see your heart ......... attachment level of the brain (thalamus) Write from God’s perspective, what God observes—sees in you right now, including your physical sensations and emotions. How do you see me?

2. I hear your thoughts........assessment level of the brain (amygdala) is this good, bad or scary? How does God hear your dreams, blessings, or upsets and troubles?

3. I know and understand how big your suffering and pain is…. attunement level (cingulate cortex)

I am glad to be with you and feel tender towards you when you are feeling weak…….

4. I am helping you...... I love you and I am giving you strength for today to act like yourself.

5. Articulate— “Reading our journaling aloud to another takes our journaling to another level of experience. The words of our lAeft brain and the emotional experience of our right brain are synchronized and joy is shared, peace is amplified and community is deepened.” Jim Wilder

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