02/09/2026
Testimony coming soon and this will all make sense. I share everything for a reason and sometimes I don't even know the reason yet. The Lord will tell me when the time is right. Mental health and my testimony starts at birth...that's all I need to say for now. This is a long read. So grab a seat. Welcome to my healing journey!
6 months since I've heard my precious youngest son's voice. When we were together every day. The holidays passed without a call and spring is approaching and this will be the first fishing season opening that I haven't had my son/bff with me. I refuse to go back into a bait shop. I can't even look that way! It hurts! It's been so much longer for my oldest. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder if they have been sick with all these bugs going around. I wonder if they're working, or dating. I wonder if they're being treated right by whoever they're around. I wonder if they're happy and smiling. I wonder if they're sober. I wonder if they're still in church. I wonder if they still cook. I wonder how their grades are looking. I wonder if my oldest is driving and having a fun time with the youngest. I wonder every day. I sit, and I wonder. I reminisce daily on the days gone by. But according to them, I'm "making y'all feel sorry for me" I'd tell my youngest son's friends after he left here in Early September how I was feeling and they witnessed how floored and broken I was...he said I was "good at making people feel bad for me" I cried blood. I don't understand how that's putting on or manipulation? I was close with his friends and when teenagers get friends they're friends with for years, they feel like their your own in a way. To cling to a bit of normalcy after he left, I sure did talk to them and also tried to have them to reason with him... because he changed overnight..almost literally. No one knew him and his friends left him. He got a demon possessed partner and no one can see it, I do have a gift. Everything in the dark ALWAYS comes to the light. It's sad but all I can do is pray and I pray hard!
I am just very good with reading people and now I'm better than I ever was because now I have a driving force.
Now ask me why I have to be grieving children that are still on this Earth?
They can't give a straight answer and I've searched every compartment of my brain. The youngest gave me some reasons that STILL wouldn't validate cutting me completely off. I haven't gotten to hear his voice since he left. I yelled at him and had every right to. I was sick of having something that I feared greatly hung over my head every time he wanted something or to get his way once I knew he was leaving me like his brother did(for no reason) I lost it on him. I sure did. He isn't mature enough to understand why I yelled like I did. And that's ok. He went to a place where, I'll be nice ..they're lacking brains..or human understanding and compassion. Where sin is justified with manipulation is key... and when I yelled like I did that day..that was my last battle cry leaving my body as far as being a mother goes. I've lost 12 children that are waiting on me in Heaven. And I had them 2 boys, miracles, nonetheless. I was the best mama I could be and knew how to be. It's my first time here on Earth too. Sure, I made mistakes, but so did their father, but they went to him... I guess any rebellious teenagers would, there's freedom, privacy /no adults to bother them/ their own place (pretty much)and money there. I have morals, rules and chores here and I'm poor. My youngest loved the Love and needed nothing else, nothing special. Home haircuts and slow phones. But we had love. Cooking when I was depressed and bedridden and signing in the kitchen while I taught him to cook everything. So many laughs. A bond that I thought was unbelievable and unbreakable. That's why it hurt so bad. He made me so many promises over time that he'd never leave my side until he married and then he wanted me to live with his spouse and him and be a live in grandma and I ask him "but what if your wife doesn't like me!?" He said he'd find a new one. He always said he wanted to find a woman who was like me, just like me. Even up to a week before he left, he had that heart and love for his mama. The devil sure does know how to rip a family to shreds.
BUT GOD...
With the Holy Spirit giving me strength to carry on, I know I will be alright. They'll be alright. I take accountability for all my mess ups and own them. Anything I did in the past is forgiven by a KING! The prince of peace holds my hand while I sob. Jesus wept. I trust God to take care of them but there's one thing here. I live for God and God alone, not man. And unfortunately I feel like if one of them approaches me, I will have a sour reaction. It won't be my fault. I have tried mending fences that I had no business mending. I handed Jesus my hammer. This is beyond my control now. I am so sad a whole lot and that's ok. I'm ok. I'm going to be ok. I made it this far and I'm still pushing on. Please pray for them! For the devil to flee in the name of Jesus. Lord, help me not be sad anymore.
I don't even know the 2 I'm grieving anymore and I'm grieving memories, not humans. I sure do love them and I forgive them, for they know not what they do. It would take so much work to form a bond again, so I'll just keep building my bond with Jesus. It's high time I let this go.
The Bible tells us how to treat our parents, especially mothers...the ones who gave us life. Praise God. It also says when we're being sanctified and called we'll leave certain family members. We gotta change things to change things. Amen.
This is the most painful journey I've been on to this day and I've been through many many battles and struggles, it's ok though.
If the Lord has given me another chance, peace throughout all the storms, even when I didn't give him the glory, he was still there, and such an incredible mission like I'm on... My husband is sick and my mama is very sick but I'm smiling because I know it's GOD'S WILL! It's perfect and he does not make mistakes and it just came to me, he made us and doesn't make mistakes, he meets us right where we are! I have survived trial after trial. I'm a walking miracle and my testimony will move the masses. I just have to get it written out and I probably won't even need to read it to tell it once I have the direction of where to start and end. I was told tonight by a very anointed and Holy sister, the Lord will not let me share what's not supposed to be shared and he'll tell me what to say. It's happening soon and I want it recorded. It's going to prove the existence of Jesus Christ our Lord! Hallelujah. 🙌🏻😭🫶🏻
God bless y'all! I love each and every one of you who reads this. And I'm praying for you!
