09/10/2017
Marriage Insight: Call a Marriage Peace Conference
We’ve heard it said, “We live in perilous times.” No one can deny that, no matter where you live in the world. Unfortunately that can be said about a lot of marriages as well. Many of them become staging areas for dramatic battles between husbands & wives, exploding into unhealthy behavior. That’s why some spouses need to call a truce & then plan a marriage peace conference.
Some conflict can be healthy and can even be beneficial to your relationship. As counselors Drs Les and Leslie Parrott tell us, “Without conflict it is difficult to peel away the superficial layers of a relationship & discover who we really are.” This is so true. But attacking each other isn’t a healthy approach. As Les and Leslie advise, “Attack the problem, not the person. …A natural impulse during conflict is to defend and protect your position, not to accommodate the other person.” And when that happens the point we were trying to get across gets lost. It becomes a battle of WHOSE right rather than WHAT is right, which is: building relationship bridges rather than walls.
To help you build communication bridges, we’ll be sharing pointers to help you plan a Peace Conference for your marriage when it is needed. For those of you whose spouse wouldn’t read these pointers, please prayerfully look them over to see what you can use or adapt to use.
• We’re told in the Bible, “If it is possible, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, live at peace with everyone.“ (Romans 12:18) So do what you can, with God’s help, to be a peacemaker within your home. That doesn’t mean that you can never say anything negative to your spouse, it just means that you’re careful & prayerful in what you say, along with manner & the timing in which you say it.
• Approach your spouse for this “conference” when it is not a “H.A.L.T.” time. Don’t approach your spouse with serious issues when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If you make your approach & your spouse isn’t ready to talk yet, do as Drs Les & Leslie Parrott suggest:
• “Schedule a mutually agreeable ‘appointment’ to discuss what’s bothering you. This takes initiative, but a face-to-face meeting is critical if you hope to resolve your differences.”
• Be considerate of your children, when you work out your disagreements. “Realize that your children are adversely affected by your marital problems.” And don’t involve others in your fights. S.T.O.P. = See The Other People. Be considerate. Keep it private; take your fights elsewhere.
• Beware of contaminating your Peace Conference with Relationship Germs. “There are four reasons—relationship germs—that cause more than 90 percent of divorces: withdrawing [clamping up], escalating, belittling, & developing negative beliefs. …All four of them produce anger. So if you monitor anger every day, and clear it up, you stay emotionally out of the dark and more connected with each other.” (Gary Smalley) And isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?
• Call a “Truce” if the fighting get out of hand. This is basically a type of “time out” for both of you to calm down & condense these disagreement times into shorter segments. A truce time is NOT set so you evade the subject. It is a tool to help you resolve your differences in a healthier way.
• Treat each other with respect and honor, even during times of conflict. As the Bible says, “Honor one another above yourselves.“ (Romans 12:10) We can’t emphasize that enough! For some reason, after marrying, many spouses go into a brain freeze & forget to treat each other with honor, as God tells us to do. A marriage license does not give us the license to be unkind.
(Cindy & Steve Wright, Marriage Missions)
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