01/19/2024
I'm not looking for pity or even "keep your chin up buddy" ... this is for everyone else who is feeling the way I am tonight ... you aren't alone.
Around March or so of 2017 was one of the worst days of my life. Dues to circumstances I could not overcome quickly enough, I had to close my private counseling practice. My graduate journey and my continued journey operating my practice brought me closer to Heavenly Father and, as a matter of course, I was a better friend, father, brother, and husband than I'd ever managed to be in my whole life up to that point.
The months leading up to that point had brought news that my body had given out and was done being productive at all. I knew it was slowing down, hence the master's degree. However, this news meant building cars with my sweetheart, loving her the way I'd intended to right to my grave was suddenly over.
But March of 2017 brought confirmation that, FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, the most I could do for her was keep opening her door for her to say "I love you" so many times a day it would echo in her mind long after I went ahead to build her our mansion. At times that simple, silly thing is more than I can manage, and she's the one who has to come around to help me pull myself out of the car.
Those who knew me before by body shut down could support my assertion that I could nearly always be found in the clean-up crew or my boys and I were there nearly always there to help a family move in or out. It was important to me to show them what "Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel" looked like in real life. I did a lot of good with my hands and strong back.
I was doing a lot of good with my practice that was infinitely more fulfilling. Each day I nealt in prayer to thank Heavenly Father for the amazing privilege it was to be entrusted with so much and to be a part of so much healing. I would, likewise pray before each session that my mouth would be filled with His words and that my soul (spirit and body) would be attuned to the needs of that specific client. It was an amazing time.
And it all came to an excruciating, heart rending halt around the first part of March. Knowing only that something was wrong, two of our sons chipped in to buy tickets to fly me to Arizona to visit with friends and put my grief out of my mind for a bit.
Ever since, I've been struggling to accept my limitations. It's been frustrating for Jen, to say the least, to hear me talk about my plans and dreams knowing I was not going to be able to bring them to fruition without a huge commitment from her, one she wasn't sure she could make and still keep her myriad other promises to people who were important to both of us.
Today, I was feeling decent. My neck and arms were just aching like I'd come off a dirt bike at 35mph or so. Nothing big. Our front steps were covered with very slippery ice so I went down first and then found a way to scrape it off. I didn't really succeed but I tried and wound up offering her my shoulder as she came down the steps to steady herself.
Now, and probably for the rest of the night, I can't sit still. My arms feel like a fresh break ... AFTER the shock wears off ... and that's with my pain pills. All I did was pick up a piece of flat metal that weighed less than a gallon of milk and try to scrape one step off just a little. I was going to try to work online tonight, but the pain will be so distracting that swallowing tears and finding something to watch that isn't offensive will be the best that I can do will practicing deep breathing to stay sane through the pain until my spinal cord stabilizes again.
ALL I HAVE LEFT to add any good to the world for the rest of my life is to find a way to sing songs of healing and love (now that I'm finding mine again) and get those songs out there. Not sure how to do that and this isn't a plug at all. I'm just sayin' I have found something new to hope for and work for. I'm grateful for that divine, tender direction.
Those who can identify with my story ... and I know there are so many ... please don't give up ... find something you can still do to at least make someone smile. Try to find contedness in that. God will help you if you ask Him to. Maybe if we all keep trying to do that our energy will mingle and we'll become more than the sum of our parts ... or something like that.
