09/20/2022
Please be aware that the following post has content that may be difficult for anyone who has lost an unborn baby
I love meeting new friends. I am fascinated by people and love hearing people's stories.
But as a female of child-bearing age, I'm scared of the question that inevitably comes with meeting new people: Are you going to have more kids?
I have two beautiful boys who are 5 and 7 now so naturally, the question arises. And I get it. I'm sure I have done it to other people in the past. I have asked private questions expecting a generic answer. But somehow the question still always makes my heart race, my hands feel a little sweaty, and my mouth dry up.
At first, I used to just say "No, we probably won't have any more", because that's a safe, generic answer and no one questions it. But the more I shared my stories in private conversations, the more I realized, it was fear that was holding me back from an honest answer.
You see, the honest answer is that I've carried 5 babies who were never born alive. I begged God to spare their lives but the answer was no. The last kiddo I carried passed away at 16 weeks gestation and I got to hold him in my arms and say goodbye to his little earthly body even though he was already in heaven with Jesus. And with all that, I am not able to have more children because of how the pregnancies physically affect my heart and have been told it would be too dangerous to keep going. The honest answer is that even though years have passed, I still can't talk about my babies in heaven without tearing up. For years I have tried to grapple with this reality and through wonderful friends, counselors, and family, I have learned to hold my grief with open palms at the foot of the cross. (Continued in comments)
-Alisha Keating