12/23/2017
Incoming long post...
I never wanted kids. Honestly I really don't like them in general (there's a handful that I absolutely adore and you know who you are). Im good at getting along with them and stuff but I could never tolerate them for very long. I never wanted to ever. I saw getting married as losing my independence. And I am and was very independent.
I sit here and look at my family. I adore these children. I never understood what they meant by "no one will ever understand a mother's love" until I looked I into Megan's eyes. My world stopped. I found a different point of gravity. There was this love that I didn't know existed. Then I looked and saw Dustin with Megan and I got this feeling I just didn't understand. (When I got married I thought I knew what love was but I was a naive child). Then I found out I was pregnant with Addison... And I got angry. Being pregnant again was the last thing I wanted. I didnt know how I was going to handle another child. I had almoost died for Megan (they even brought in a crash cart.. And I had the most peace while I was out but that's another story). I didn't want to die with Addison and leave Megan without a mother. Then they did an ultrasound for Addison and I really wast into it until she kicked the ultrasound thingy and then rubbed my belly from the inside. She ta ta'd me. My heart stopped (in a good way). It broke down my walls and I felt my heart start to grow.
Dustin and I have had really hard times. "Something" aka God kept bringing us together. It took 12 years for me to understand what love is and how much I loved him and he loved me. 12 years is a long time. But God had a plan and Im sure glad he did.
I look at my family today and I can't image a better life. God blessed me with brilliant, funny, extremely well behaved kids. He blessed me with an amazing husband who is the best father I have ever known (sorry Daddy).
Your plans rarely line up with God's. But I can tell you this much. His is so much better.