03/25/2024
Have you ever shared your thoughts with your spouse, but their response left you feeling dismissed, criticized, or unheard? It can make you feel small or invisible – the opposite of how you should feel in interactions with your partner. This speaks to the importance of validation, of helping each other feel heard, understood, and that your thoughts and feelings are valued. It’s usually not the first thing that comes to mind when we think of the crucial components of a healthy relationship but without it, trust and intimacy will be largely lacking. So here are five underrated ways to validate your spouse.
1. Avoid one-upping.
If your spouse comes to you needing to vent about how stressed out or overwhelmed they’re feeling, it’s natural to want to commiserate with them if you feel the same. But before you do that, focus on really hearing them and understanding their experience. You might say something like, “That sounds like a lot to manage, I can totally understand why you’re overwhelmed.” The key here is to avoid brushing past what they shared to one-up them with your own even more stressed feelings. It’s not a competition.
2. Don’t try to fix their feelings.
It can be hard to witness your partner experiencing tough emotions. When they share them with you, it’s natural to want to find a solution to help them feel better. But in situations like this, they’re often not looking for you to solve things – they just want your support. Letting them feel and express their emotions instead of immediately trying to fix or pull them out of them shows that what they’re feeling is valid. Be a shoulder to lean on and an empathetic ear, unless they specifically ask for your help to solve a problem.
3. Let go of whether you agree with them.
Let’s say your spouse is sharing about a frustrating conversation with their sibling. They’re visibly upset, but when it comes down to it, you’re not sure you agree with their view of the situation. Although it might be tempting to express this, here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter if you agree. Your partner’s feelings are real to them, whether you agree with them or not. Instead of focusing on your own feelings about the situation, lean into empathy and acknowledge the realness of their emotions.
4. Ask questions.
Show genuine interest in why they feel the way they do. Lead with curiosity and ask questions to better understand their feelings and what’s behind them. Your tone of voice and body language is really important here so as not to come off critical or that you’re making them justify their feelings. You might say something like, “How do you feel about that?” or “It sounds like that made you feel ____. Tell me more.” Showing that you really care about the details of what they’re going through seems basic, but it makes a huge difference.
5. Give your full attention.
If you want your spouse to truly feel heard, then make sure you’re truly listening to them. That means giving them your full mental and physical attention – putting down your phone, making eye contact, and being fully present with them in the moment. If you’ve ever been sharing something and the person you were talking to wasn’t truly paying attention, then you know how insignificant that can make you feel. On the flip side, when someone is treating you like the center of the universe when you’re talking, you feel seen and heard. Strive to make this the norm with your spouse.
Feeling validated in your marriage is crucial for being your best self and partner. Likewise validating each other creates an environment where you both feel loved, supported, and understood. While it might seem like a given, these small habits can be a game changer when it comes to listening to and sharing with your spouse.
