08/08/2023
DO NOT MOVE TO MISSOURI!!
In regards to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...
Before you come to Missouri you must be aware of what is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing river bottoms, hill country or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
Our lakes are full of snakes, creepy old guys wearing speedos and very few can back up a boat.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
Bigfoots have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
Snakes... don’t even get me started on the snakes.....copperhead, cottonmouth, plus the rattlesnakes: western diamondback rattlesnake, western pigmy rattlesnake, timber rattlesnake, prairie rattlesnake, and western massasauga are all poisonous.
The poison ivy and poison oak has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some Oklahoma grasshoppers. The firefly now sting 2.
Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.
Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.
Oh, and no one is vaccinated.
I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though.”
