01/16/2023
If I were the Devil
From ABC Radio commentator Paul Harvey on April 3, 1965
If I were the Devil . . . I mean, if I were the Prince of Darkness, I would, of course, want to engulf the whole earth in darkness.
-I would have a third of its real estate and four-fifths of its population, but I would not be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree, so I should set about however necessary to take over the United States.
-I would begin with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: “Do as you please.” “Do as you please.”
- To the young, I would whisper, “The Bible is a myth.” I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that what is bad is good, and what is good is “square”.
- In the ears of the young marrieds, I would whisper that work is debasing, that cocktail parties are good for you. I would caution them not to be extreme in religion, in patriotism, in moral conduct.
- And the old, I would teach to pray. I would teach them to say after me: “Our Father, which art in Washington” . . .
- If I were the devil, I’d educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting so that anything else would appear dull and uninteresting.
- I’d threaten T.V. with dirtier movies and vice versa.
- And then, if I were the devil, I’d get organized. I’d infiltrate unions and urge more loafing and less work, because idle hands usually work for me.
- I’d peddle narcotics to whom I could.
- I’d sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction.
- And I’d tranquilize the rest with pills.
- If I were the devil, I would encourage schools to refine young intellects but neglect to discipline emotions . . . let those run wild.
- I would designate an atheist to front for me before the highest courts in the land and I would get preachers to say “she’s right.”
- With flattery and promises of power, I could get the courts to rule what I construe as against God and in favor of po*******hy, and thus, I would evict God from the courthouse, and then from the school house, and then from the houses of Congress and then, in His own churches I would substitute psychology for religion, and I would deify science because that way men would become smart enough to create super weapons but not wise enough to control them.
- If I were Satan, I’d make the symbol of Easter an egg, and the symbol of Christmas, a bottle.
- If I were the devil, I would take from those who have and I would give to those who wanted, until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.
- And then, my police state would force everybody back to work. Then, I could separate families, putting children in uniform, women in coal mines, and objectors in slave camps.
- In other words, if I were Satan, I’d just keep on doing what he’s doing.