03/23/2024
My Testimony: I am convicted to share, because it is too important not to: at 44 veterans a day, in addition to the rest of society, I am told to share my testimony, as a witness to what God can do, and to share it boldly. I will be 44, next month.
I lived, for years and years, with guilt, shame, untreated trauma, suicidal thoughts, resentments, ANGER, and indifference, all while knowing that I wanted to be free, and to find peace…I didn’t know how, on my own.
I was not meant to live like this. Though, many of the choices I made were my own, some of those choices were made due to trauma I experienced, that I allowed to change me, because I did not seek the one true source of healing, and I decided to use coping mechanisms that were wrong-I was wrong. I failed. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I was NOT a good” person, to the extent that my “love” was circumstantial, and dependent on what I received-I squandered my inheritance...but then I was redeemed. I made one choice, because I had no other choices left, except death…I almost chose it, but I said, “what do I have to lose, I can always “end it”, if this doesn’t work!” But, God does not forsake His children…He is bigger than all of our problems. Hallelujah-Believe it!
For the past 19 months, through what I can only describe as nothing short of a miracle, I have been transformed. It wasn’t one “really big miracle”, where all of a sudden I was “floating on clouds”(though, there has been many peaks of really cool revelations of joy, peace, and excitement). There were backslides, failures, and still some wrongs. However, thanks be to God, my Father, I stayed the course-He would not let me go. It was tough, but I’ve known tough, because I’ve made my life as tough as destructively possible, for so long. But, this tough came with rewards. Rewards, not of my own achievement, but of a faithfulness from a God who loves me, and wants a relationship with me, and NEVER fails those who seek His will for them. And brothers, His will is good!
It started out, for me, quite simple: I had turned of my unrepentant sin and dishonesty in to drinking problem, that was going to lead to my death, and I needed to get sober. Simultaneously, I had huge emotional imbalances, that left me in depression that I could not control, and was dangerous to me(I sat, many nights, device in-hand, contemplating “checking out”). So, I reached out to a friend I knew had achieved sobriety, and later, I walked in to the VA, and admitted I needed help. Thus began my journey. However, for me, I knew God had to be the source of my recovery, and this proved to be the only truth I actually had a grasp of reality on-the only thing!
At my first meeting, at AA(my first day of sobriety), it did not take long for me to recognize that I had come to the right place, for this problem. I was so broken, and knew that my “well-thoughtout” perception of how to live life was not working, so I was primed to openness to listen to suggestions. So, they suggested I do 90 meetings, in 90 days(I was able to 86). They suggested I find a sponsor, to help me through the steps(I got one, within two weeks.). Concurrently, I worked with an amazing therapist, who was willing to accept that my faith in God had to be part of my therapy and discussion, and despite his non-belief, he supported what was important to me. In addition, I attended an amazing and life-changing event, specifically designed for veterans of every kind, and met brothers that have been, and continue to “do life” with me, and help form my “Fighting Diamond”. All of this may seem like “a lot”. But, for me, nothing else was going to be made right, and I couldn’t be the man I needed to be(or stay alive), unless I put my personal recovery and salvation as the priority(when I started to be restored to sanity, I wanted to jump in and start “doing”, but my “want” had to be given up, and I needed God to lead the timing).
Today, my testimony, to all who are listening, is that I was a broken man, who did a lot of harm, over a lot of years. No, not everything was “bad”, but I became a selfish person, who did selfish things, and did not let go of things that a child does, and become a man-a man of God, and not the world. I was, in fact, “acting like a Big King-f’n Baby”, as was so aptly, justly, and enlighteningly pointed out to me(took me 4 days to process this, after throwing a temper tantrum, having been told this). But, as I replayed the conversation in my mind, and having had some sanity restored(at this point), I was able to be honest with myself, and admit that. Humility, though something I strive for now, was a HUGE pill for me to swallow, and was tough going down-but I’m glad I swallowed(Marine’s, go there another time!).
Today, having been through a spiritual awakening, and understanding that my battles are no longer in the physical or worldly realm, or fought alone, but entirely spiritual, I have found hope; peace; love; patience; kindness; grace; forgiveness; and humility. I have found Jesus Christ, but, I have found Him in His place, not my own. I have conformed to Him, not created a conformity to fit my will. I have come to a place of contentment. I know thankfulness. I know rigorous honesty, and trust that if I am obedient to God, no matter how honest I have to be, God will deliver on His promises. Does this mean my life is easy, or carefree? No. But, I have faith. I have faith that God’s word is true. I know it’s true, because God has relieved me of alcoholism. He has taught me patience and love, which has replaced anger. He has put conviction and desires in my heart, to do His will, so my burden of having a sinful nature has been lessened. He has replaced my selfishness, with a desire to serve others(to actually consider others greater than myself). My obedience to God, and loving others, does not come with an ROI, in this world. Results or outcomes do not drive or halt my actions, because the actions, with motives being pure, require ME to act, not others to respond, or results and outcomes to favor me. My obedience favors me, because God said so…
If you, like me, experienced nothing but short-term fulfillment, but knowing, deep down, that there was something more, and you want to have what I have, today(not worldly riches), then please reach out to me, or do what I did. It worked. It really did.
PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP! What do you have to lose??? Try one more thing! Try that “something different”! YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! YOU ARE NOT FORESAKEN! YOU ARE REDEEMED, JUST OPEN THE DOOR!!!
God loves you, and so do I!!! 616-490-3810
