04/01/2022
Love is the only answer that can give hope to our existence. I have struggled immensely throughout my life and as angry and bitter as I feel I want to become, the Love that God has for me keeps brining me to a place of peace and rest for my soul. After having lost two marriages and my entire everything I have been struggling with my faith. Hard. Just when one set back finished taking its course I would get slammed with two or three more at the same time and hard. All the while I had opportunities to do things that would go directly against the commands of God and so I would refrain from gaining or getting ahead even a little by compromising those parts of my faith. This didn't
mean that I was perfect. By a long shot. However the value I have learned to appreciate in honest good hardworking people, and with the few possessions I have obtained through hard work, and my art which has been stolen over and over throughout the years has been well worth the struggles and hardships. God has really shown me the importance of not valuing materialism, yet highly valuing the stewardship entrusted to me with the few possessions I have through gratitude and thankfulness and by being able to share and value others above my own desires and even my basic needs. I remember a while back looking at the cost that it would truly be to be a person of faith who walked with God and could give it all just to be led by Him and thinking to myself "this is impossible, why would God even ask someone He created and loved to torture themselves by going without purposefully?" However I said a prayer. I told God whatever it takes to get me there please bring me to a place where I can just desire and want you and to love others with your love. What has taken place since then in my life has been the most unsuccessful, broken, shattered, untruthful, unjust, ugly, unbelievably worst "luck" (if
you want to call it that, I do for lack if better terms) anyone can experience. From Being accused of things I didn't do, to having the majority of my art stolen from me, being stripped of any successful ability to make any profit, nowhere to find steady work, my license taken, my pride, my strength, my desire to chase after women, just, if anything could have gone wrong it did but with triple times the blow. It has been so ridiculously harsh I had begun to question God's hand in my life. Why could I not prosper, where are other true believers in God, where are people who care like before and don't have hard hearts? Slowly through out time I began to loathe life, loathe money, loathe working, loathe eating, loathe attention, loathe drugs, loathe women. Everything that I could think of having taken immense pleasures in I have come to loathe at some point. I even began to become upset with God as I watched the world around me lie, cheat and steal and prosper regardless of the fact and myself do everything in my power not to do those things, even in my addictions to drugs and be the one without, unsuccessful in everything I did monetarily. However my art skill exploded. My thirst for goodness and love I craved with an unquenchable fire, my desire to see God's just rule in this earth became an obsession, my life meant little or nothing to me and everyone else around me seemed to become more and more important to get to know and become friendly and at peace with. The other day as I was digging through the shed at my brother's I came across a bag with some of my clothes in it and in the bag at the very bottom was something I had purchased twenty two years ago from a cell in a penitentiary here in Colorado. After having lost marriages, friends, family, jobs, cars, recognition etc. The one thing that I found that ran deepest in my past was a pocket Bible that I had laser engraved my name into. A Bible that had been lost and retrieved on several occasions. That had been with me through the good times and the bad. The one thing that has been consistent in my life and steadfast.... God's word. As I held it in my hands and looked at it I realized how solidly His faithful presence has been with me although I emotionally and mentally was a Rollercoaster . This Bible I found symbolic of His true faithfulness to bring me through and create within my character and soul something that was truly of alue and that is my appreciation and love for everything Good God is and represents through the good news olf grace in the death burial and resurrection of His son Jesus the messiah. Nothing else matters. Except for Him but through Him everything matters in an amazingly beautiful way. And I can with all that I am say that with confidence and joyful and proudly. God is good, Life is good but it is very very very hard and it is a daily struggle, there is purpose in it. And the value of that purpose as hidden as it is to us, beyond our ability to understand in this life is very grear, and with that I truly believe that we will see its amazing effect in the Life to come where there is no death.