02/04/2026
The right response to someone’s negative feelings isn’t primarily to solve their problem; it’s bonding with them over their feelings.
This is why Romans 12:15 tells us to “mourn with those who mourn” not to “make the mourning person feel better, or convince them that they don’t have anything to mourn about.”
If your spouse is sad, be sad with them for a while.
If your child is angry, be angry about the same thing alongside them.
If your friend is scared, bond with them over that fear.
Only then, once they feel understood, will the rapport cultivated between you organically begin to generate solutions to the problem. This is why I often say that bonding over feelings is like dinner, and problem-solving is like dessert; that is, dessert is great, but if we eat it before dinner, it’ll make us sick.
- Jacob Popcak