08/19/2024
This Shabbos I had both the most powerful and most unusual davvening experience. I took a portion of hapé before the Shacharis, and went to the Shul. Probably, still under influence of Tisha b’av, I became aware of some introspective notes in King David’s Psalms. So, by the time I got to Amidah, I suddenly found my mind “entrapped” in my inner world, which looked at that moment as an underground tunnel with some bright emerald light at its end. Although I wasn’t really eager to go this path in my Amidah, but I couldn’t help it. So, I literally dived into davvening from that place, sort of “mi-maamakim” (“from the depths”).
What can I tell you? How can I describe to you that experience? It was really very, very, VERY demanding and exhausting. Each word of the prayer, each step in my inner world towards the Light - was awesome in all senses. I was experiencing tremendous longings, awesomeness, difficulty and joy of the existence.
I got through the tunnel to its end, and found there a samurai-armored-like masculine figure that was holding a Torah scroll above its (?) “head”, kind of what you can see during the lifting of the Torah at the end of its reading. After some balancing of my feelings and emotions with that presence, I found myself bored and literally entrapped in tiny underground room, with this figure in front of me and with no way to escape. So I did the only thing I found most meaningful at that time - I entered the armor and became that figure. The Torah scroll in my hands turned into two Tablets of the Law (Luchot ha-Brit). And I entered into the most incredible state of davvening! I had my intellect, my feelings and emotions, my body, my surroundings all united. I felt cleansing of my spirit and the releases in my body. Closeness to G-d? Rather, surrender and unity with G-d’s everlasting Presence in the world.
I had to look into the siddur for each other word, as I wasn’t able to remember what I should say next. However, it did not disrupt my davvening, rather grounded me (for what I am really grateful). The whole experience was like a wonderful unity and integration of all my knowledge and previous experiences of life. It was both heavenly religious and earthly engaging, kind of psychedelic in nature, with the main difference, that I was creating this experience with each and every word I was uttering from my whole being: from my heart, my muscles, my spirit and my soul, from my bones and from my breathing, from my lips, finally.
I want to thank Hashem for letting me experience such awesomeness at that time!
And I just wanted to share it with you, maybe, you’ll find it helpful in any way.
Thank you!
