01/20/2024
I'd like to continue sharing about the miracles God performed through such a small gesture as the praying of our rosary. I will continue to share about my grandmother. My grandmother appeared to have her “favorites” and these favorites as it happened seemed to always be the first born of her children. I was lucky enough to be one of those with the added benefit of being told by her own self and even my grandmother how much I looked like her. I felt blessed to have some of her attention though I saw underneath those messages which others misconstrued as hateful and saw a hurt woman who had learned to put on a facade in order to protect herself and no longer come off as weak and feeble as she had in her younger years. I also felt that love she had for “all” of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. Either way, I felt super grateful for the extra attention or rather for the little bonuses which created a greater bond between us. My grandmother could see my genuineness and my kind and compassionate heart as I was a very honest person myself, always wanting to help any and all of my family members and sincerely wanting the best for them.
As she grew older my grandmother developed a serious of health concerns and she often complained of aches and pains. At times we felt that she was using her infirmities as an attention getting technique as like I’ve mentioned before the family had generally isolated her. I tried spending time with her as much as I could but at times that selfish nature in all of us kicked in and I opted for neglecting that desire to be there for her. As my grandmother saw that I cared for her very much that my love for my family was genuine she entrusted her health to me. Being that she did not speak much English and that the daughter which she lived with did not show much of an interest in her health or in accompanying her to her doctors visits and serving as a translator. She often asked me to come along with her to help her to translate during her office visits. I felt uncomfortable with traveling to her house since her daughter with whom she lived had a sort of resentment towards me etc. I always preferred to avoid conflictive situations as opposed to being at odds with people so I oftentimes refused to go with her on her doctors visits for this reason. I did not realize just how serious her health concerns were as I have mentioned before we had all come to a false conclusion that she had developed hypochondriac behavior. When in reality she had developed cancer. I recall one day I answered the phone when she called and she sounded genuinely sick and her voice sounded very frail. I became very concerned but there was not much to be done already at that point. My grandmother had had breast cancer surgery once and it seemed the cancer had not been successfully removed and so it metastasized into the rest of her body and at the time she passed away she had developed lymphoma.
I recall that on a particular day my mother received a call from her sister saying that my grandmother was extremely sick and she was in the hospital. We all rushed out to see her and we almost lost her that day. However God was gracious and granted her more days of life. At t he time that this happened I recall feeling devastated and almost feeling somewhat responsible as I had neglected to come with her to her doctor's visits on so many occasions. We were lucky to have been able to get her to come back home with my mother offering to take her to her house instead to take care of her. She refused. I recall that upon feeling so devastated the only thing I could think of doing was running to the church and kneeling in front of the image of Jesus and crying like a little girl and asking God what I could do for her, to please save her life. I recall that I had wanted to buy my grandmother a rosary and so I rushed out to buy this beautiful pink glass beaded rosary which the church allowed me to place upon the arms of a praying Mary and as I recall visiting that particular church many times after her death that rosary was there later to be accompanied by many other rosaries which I’m sure carried a whole lot of sentiment for the people who had decided to place them there. It remained there for several years.
I rushed to the store and bought her this beautiful white angel which I placed next to her night stand hoping that the angels from heaven would surround her and protect her life.
I had in recent years learned how to pray the rosary and had been convinced of its power to heal which my God proved to be so true. I recall praying the rosary on multiple occasions both at my home and while I sat next to her on her deathbed. I remember that during those times I felt this great closeness to God. I felt the presence of the spirit of God there working in my life. I felt the presence of the spirit of God as I prayed with all of my might and with all of my heart for my grandmother's life. I believe that God worked many miracles during that time. One of those miracles was the fact that while sitting there next to her bed I remember worrying about her being in pain. So the second I would hear her start to complain about the pain she felt I would start praying with the purest of heart and the most honest intention towards my grandmother whom I loved so much. The second I would start praying she would calm down and slowly fall back to sleep. It brought me much relief to see this happening and to feel that her pain was being eased without the need for medication which I was concerned for her to intake as it was a very strong dosage of morphine and I was concerned for the effects of this medicine in her body.
On multiple occasions during that extra month of life which my grandmother was granted. I saw her many times lift her heavy weight body off her bed and sit to the side of her bed to look at this wonderful picture of Jesus which she loved so much and which had traveled all the way from El Salvador to America and which was hanging once more next to her bed in a room which was just large enough to hold her bed with enough space for walking on both sides. I observed my grandmother looking at this image of Jesus with the most loving expression and heard her asking him to help her to be there for her. She would then lay back down and fall back asleep. For me there could've been no greater proof that this God she had taught me to honor and whom I myself had trusted in and loved my whole life was as real as anything I’ve ever known.
My grandmother and my mother had never had the best of relationships. My mother grew up feeling rejected by her mother, unloved and I suppose alone. She was not one to show much affection as I’ve mentioned before and she never showed too many signs of affection to my mother while she was a child. My mother often told me that when she approached her looking for affection she would tell her, “just give me my space”, I’m not used to being smothered. My mother in turn never hugged me either, she told me she didn’t like to be crowded. I felt rejected and would simply walk away from my mother. My mother also told me of how she would try to please her mother in every way possible and would go out of her way to do things for her, taking on extra responsibilities if needed. Yet, my grandmother never corresponded with affection and instead continued to make her feel rejected and unloved. This obviously created a great void emotionally for my mother and as an adult she was quite unable to deal with that as she showed many signs of depression amongst other things which affected her.
As I explained previously this distance in their relationship also brought about other difficulties for my mother. I truly believe that what my mother would've loved the most in this world was to have felt her mother’s love and approval and I saw how even as and adult she struggled to gain that affection by trying to do so much for my grandmother and at times it did look like my grandmother did not appreciate as much as she could’ve though I’m sure it was obvious to her that her daughter loved her very much. Either way for me being a highly sensitive child and always worrying about the well-being of others and also because I loved both my mother and my grandmother very much I felt for my mother’s pain without necessarily resenting my grandmother but simply wishing there was more of a connection between the two. As I’ve stated during this time I prayed much with the most sincere of intentions and what I observed one day as my mother was there next to her mother on her dying bed was beyond what words can express and very much felt like an answered prayer by God. On one of those occasions I saw my grandmother reach her hand out to her daughter (my mother) and she simply gazed into her eyes with the most warm and deep felt emotions as if to say “daughter I love you so much and I wish I’d behaved differently towards you.” I saw love, regret and almost sorrow all in a prolonged gaze from my grandmother to my mother. I know this was a healing moment for my mother after a lifetime of begging for a love that should've been offered to her freely and which she was deserving of. I truly feel that this was a response to so many of my prayers and is something that would’ve not taken place had God not granted my grandmother extra days of life.
