09/27/2026
When I began specializing in Narcissistic abuse and Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (C-PTSD) many years ago, I thought that maybe narcissists can change their ways and stop hurting the ones they “love.”
8 years have passed… a specialized doctoral project, a clinical mental health Masters degree, a Master of Divinity, countless hours of research and continuing education, 25-30 contact hours with clients/patients per week, and a state license: And I haven’t seen one narcissist develop empathy (this does not count my 19 years in vocational ministry prior to, where I observed the same phenomena).
The victims continue to come see me, and they do recover. It’s a long recovery road full of trauma processing and gently correcting damaged neuropathways in a therapeutic environment.
The narcissist… they come to a few sessions, usually after being threatened with the loss of someone via divorce or breakup, or some other crisis like a child cutting them off as a parent.
The common refrains are spoken: “fix her,” “fix him,” “I don’t need to be here.” “I don’t know why they’re so sensitive,” “I don’t know what I did, I’m the victim here!” etc., etc., etc. They gaslight, try to use me to triangulate against their already devastated victim, they get bigger than their victim in session, and the victim becomes small, mute, stuttering, afraid to speak because everything said in the session will be used to punish them later. They plead with their often bloodshot eyes and desperate body language for me to help them, because they dare not speak the truth of the abuse in a session for fear of punishment when they leave. In the rare instance they summon the courage to tell the truth, on cue, the gaslighting and playing the victim cards are played … further invalidating the victim and making them feel “crazy.”
In the room. The narcissist minimizes and dismisses any emotional plea from their partner. They scoff at evidence-based interventions such as emotionally-focused communication strategies, cognitive behavioral, or trauma processing, claiming they are “stupid,” and dismiss doing ANY homework (bc they already know best, as they are the smartest person in the room). They promise change and maybe for a week or two, they love bomb their victim … and then, inevitably, the love bombing wears off and the mask slips again to reveal the wounded, scared, and empathy-less child, who is ready to hijack your soul to get his/her needs met. Remorseless and unapologetic, they repeat the abuse cycle and reinforce the trauma bond between the abuser and the victim (aka Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), C-PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome).
In session, the abuser realizes real fast I see them. I see them where the core damage happened as a child. I see the “empathy chip” that was never installed in their 2-6 year old child (ego) brain due to early childhood criticism, hostility, and/or childhood trauma and neglect where they learned that their safe places (parents, the world, etc.) weren’t safe. They adapted and they learned to manipulate and hurt others to survive; an intoxicating formula for survival that their nervous system can’t risk letting go at the risk of revealing the wounded child inside. Their cycle of abuse (love bombing or valuation, devaluation, and discard) drains their victims like emotional vampires with each abuse cycle, leaving them empty, exhausted, and physically dying of cortisol and adrenaline overload, often developing medical problems and mental health and mood disorders.
So, I see them. I have compassion for their wounded child inside. But that doesn’t give them a hall pass to abuse. The adult-child runs away after a session or two for fear of exposure when I don’t “side” with them or they realize the don’t get their way. It is an existential threat to be exposed. They throw their tantrums like the 3 year old trapped inside, and they run, telling the next therapist that “my last therapist sucked” hoping that the next one will side with them and triangulate against the victim. And some therapists… sadly… fall for the bait, and the victim faces the narcissist and the manipulated therapist… pushing them further into hopelessness, despair, and isolation. “Does anyone see me?”
In 8 years… I haven’t seen a narcissist change in the therapy room. In some cases they allow themselves to be “managed” (behavior) for a while, but the wounded heart and nervous system detest the management. Inevitably, people leave them, and when they are left, they try to continue abusing their victim, or they find another source of supply, sometimes multiple sources of supply. In either case, the victims resemble Voldemort laying on the ground in King’s Cross train station after being utterly defeated and emotionally drained, they are dying inside and in need of intervention.
My conclusion: only God can replace the heart of stone of a narcissist for a heart of flesh … classic therapy in recovering the wounded child stunted inside a narcissist is not enough.
