02/11/2025
Rounding up the end to our Domestic Violence Awareness Survivor stories we have a testimony from an Anonymous woman who decided to share her story with the hopes that it will encourage someone somewhere. Although she started off as a victim, her strength and faith in God is what brought her out victorious in this ordeal.
What were some of the first signs that something wasn’t right?
At first, I didn’t notice any clear signs. My abuser was very kind and charming in the early stages of our relationship. He appeared to be one of the nicest people I knew, so abusive behaviour was the last thing I expected. However, as our relationship grew more serious, everything changed. I discovered a side of him I never knew existed; he hit me for the first time, and things only got worse. His attitude and behaviour towards me had shifted. He became controlling, began accusing me of being involved with other men, and even started seeing other women. When I confronted him, he responded with aggression and violence, and often blamed me for his actions and told me it was my fault he hit me.
What are some misconceptions you had about your situation?
My abuser often told me that if I left him, no one else would want me because I was no longer a virgin and was “used up.” With this constantly playing on my mind, together with my struggle with low self-esteem, I grew fearful of being alone, so I stayed. I also believed I needed to keep silent to protect both him and my father (who would have visited him) from getting in trouble, so when my parents and pastor asked if he was hitting me, I lied and said no. Looking back, I realize part of me also wanted to protect him from shame within the church community as he was involved in ministry. Hence, my silence when asked by my pastor about his behaviour.
Another misconception I had was believing I needed to stay with him because he was ill. My abuser suffered from a terminal illness that caused him to be hospitalized at least once a year. When I finally decided to end our relationship, I soon reconciled with him out of fear that he might be hospitalized because of the stress. After we broke up, he began losing weight and looked increasingly unwell. This scared me. Not wanting to be the reason he was hospitalized that year, I mended things and was once again in a relationship with my abuser.
How did the abuse impact you, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually?
Emotionally, my already low self-esteem got to the point where I stopped seeing my value and worth. I started accepting my then reality as my life. Physically, I had scars that I tried to hide from others. I also lost a lot of weight during that period. Financially, I was not married to my abuser, nor were we living together, so I never depended on him for money. However, for the majority of our relationship, I was the one with a stable job, and as such, most of my salary was spent on him. Spiritually, my relationship with God was almost non-existent as my focus was on my abuser and fixing our relationship.
What became your turning point?
My turning point was the day he hit me at church. At this point, I didn't care if I had to stay alone for the rest of my life. I decided that this wasn’t the life I wanted for myself. After he hit me at church, I ran and went to a friend’s house, who lived close to the church. It was the first time I had opened up to someone. However, even though I did this, I eventually went back to him because, as mentioned earlier, I didn't want to be the reason why he was hospitalized that year. Nevertheless, I became free of my abuser after he died, as he eventually had an episode and was hospitalized. Only this time, he didn't return home.
What are some challenges you faced in getting help or trying to leave?
I was afraid of being alone, scared that no one would want me. I was also afraid of opening up to others for various reasons. The first is my father getting himself into problems for visiting my abuser, the second is my abuser getting into trouble as well as being shamed at church for his actions. I also felt looked down upon and rejected by others, as many saw him as a wonderful guy and thought that he was too good for me. They also labelled me as his insecure, crazy girlfriend and never once tried to find out why I was the way I was. Given this, I didn’t feel like I could have spoken to anyone.
Who or what support was present during or after your experience?
After my abuser died, I had the support of my parents, pastors, and a couple of friends.
How is this chapter of your life after leaving?
After my abusive relationship ended, I was left with deep emotional scars, low self-esteem, and trust issues while working to forgive and heal. I hoped to start afresh and keep myself pure, but was later r***d by a man I considered a friend, which shattered that resolve. I also ended up in a relationship with the same man who r***d me, as I was not even aware that that’s what had happened to me, given that I knew him and willingly went out with him. Nonetheless, this relationship, while it was not physically abusive, had controlling and verbally abusive elements, and eventually pulled me away from my faith, the faith I was trying to rebuild. When the relationship ended, things didn’t improve; in fact, I found myself in a very dark place where I felt lost and empty and kept drifting further from God and myself. I gave up on myself and engaged in unhealthy relationships and behaviour, seeking acceptance and love in all the wrong places. My turning point came one night when I visited church, when a couple of sisters ministered to me. This was the night I got my wake-up call as they revealed to me what the enemy (Satan) was trying to do. Everything changed on this night as I decided to turn my life around, regardless of how messed up I felt I was for God. Unsure of how I was going to find my way back, I simply started by repenting and recommitting my life to God and through renewed involvement in church, prayer, and support, my healing and restoration journey began. Additionally, with the help and support of a very good friend, I rediscovered my value and began to rebuild my life. Today, I am in a much better place. I have a loving husband who respects and values me and a beautiful son. God has been good to me.
What advice would you give to someone affected by domestic violence?
You are not alone. It may seem like no one will understand, but that’s not true. Help is available. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Also, if your situation is anything like mine was, and you find yourself feeling lost, empty, alone and too messed up for God. I am here to tell you, you are not too messed up for God. Jesus loves you so much. It doesn’t matter what you have done or where you have been. He still loves you and is waiting for you to let Him in. All you have to do is repent and accept Him into your heart. He will do the rest. Lastly, the healing journey will not be easy. There will be times you may stumble. Don’t give up. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. Eventually, you get there, but you have to keep going and be intentional about it. Also, remember, God is with you. Rest in Him and let Him carry you.
You are not alone, you can make it out of the ashes. God’s got you, he did it for her and he can do it for you 🙏🏽 Please reach out for help, it is available. Call 800-SAVE (7283), 999, or for counseling- Pillars of Truth at 671-5626 or 344-0007.
