20/06/2020
"You are my miracle." "You have such great talent in music!" "Wow! I can't believe how good you are in composing and adapting songs. That's amazing!", "How do you know 11 languages? “How do you learn and speak them that fast?” Teach me!" "Man, if I were you, I'd be traveling the world!" "You are a prodigy in language, arts, and music. No doubt." "You're a chef?!" "What's one thing that you cannot do?" I have these compliments spoken to me over the years. Yet, despite the seemingly glamorous appreciation, I've always felt like a failure. Whenever I look at myself or look around me, this question screams back at me, "Have you done enough?" It's as if everything I do is already expected of me, I no longer grow. I am stuck, no matter how much effort or time I give, it's still not enough. Punishing myself to grow is hard. I wasn't like this before. I used to be full of life and vibrancy. But for many years now, I've felt I no longer do well enough even when I pour my heart out to its last drop.
Have you felt the same way too? You're surrounded by a façade. Your efforts go unnoticed. Your confidence draining. Your flame gradually dying out. You are almost empty. You pray to God to fill your cup, but it seems like your cry has not yet found its voice for its prayers to be heard. SILENCE. He suffices you with His silence while witnessing-- witnessing others who continue to witness their actual miracles and answered prayers over and over again.
I've prayed for so long, that I don’t even remember what I was praying for. It drifted away, but the longing remains. I waited. I'm waiting--and since everyone’s time is ticking, nobody wanted to wait with me. Alone, I keep rowing the boat of faith, and it's not easy. There are days when I feel like quitting. Yet, the thought of God keeps me going. I keep reminding myself that He knows what is happening, He holds time and at the end of the day, there will be a majestic tapestry of all these pieces woven together, perfected by His time. He is in command. But clearly, the day hasn’t ended yet for me, making my day seem so long.
In my stillness, God is there giving me enough strength to paddle and witness for Him. He is not entirely as silent as I perceived Him to be. God speaks through many languages. He longs for us to seek Him more than anything in this world. Could it be that God may have withheld the answer to my prayers so I could seek Him more? Well, I may not have the concrete answer as to why, yet for now, it is enough for me to know that He allows me to be His instrument - an answer to other people’s prayer.
My greatest honor is to be of His service like when I was at an airport in Brazil going to Peru. A few minutes from my flight, while waiting for boarding, I noticed a group of seamen talking anxiously within themselves in Indonesian. I noticed they were looking at me and wanted to communicate something, I tried to avoid talking to people because I didn’t want to miss my flight but I couldn’t help it. In the end, they were so relieved to know that someone speaks their language as well as Portuguese. They neither spoke Portuguese nor Spanish and barely understood English. They were lost and had so much trouble finding their way through the airport since all directions were in those languages and the airport personnel couldn’t assist them. Their flight was 15 minutes earlier than mine, and they were in the wrong boarding gate! So, I was left with two choices. Either to stay and wait for my flight, or help them with a great risk of missing mine, and a greater risk of being blacklisted. You see, I was supposed to leave a day before since my visa for Brazil was expiring, but I got delayed due to a storm. The visa policy states that if a foreigner stays a day after he has finished the days allotted for him, he may be blacklisted. That day was my last chance to leave the country with a clean slate. I was stricken with worry, and troubled with what I had to go through the day before that. But looking at them, I decided to help and depended on God. I guided them through the airport and talked to several airport personnel to assist them. They were so grateful, and we bade our goodbye. I ran back to my gate as fast as my feet could go, but I still missed my flight! Just then--when I was to give up, the personnel said I may take another flight for free! I boarded the plane 30 minutes before midnight--just before the day ended! Imagine my relief. This was like a pat on my back from God. I've realized that He may allow some delays in the plans we have; lest we experience being weighed down and distressed to help others along the way; thus, we build a tighter relationship with Him.
There was another time when the youth Pastor requested me to sing for an evangelistic meeting. I just arrived from a long trip and was too tired. I decided to sing whatever song I found on my laptop. My voice barely sounded. Yet in my inadequacy, God made it possible for a soul to come home. At the end of the program, I saw a lady crying while talking to the Pastor. Later, I found out that she heard me singing her favorite song while passing by the place with her two friends. She strayed away from God, tried to come back, but failed many times thinking that she was unworthy. She said that when she heard the song, it reminded her of her deep longing for a Savior. It was 3 years ago, and I don't know what happened to her now, but I pray she is walking with the Lord and trusting Him however feeble she may feel.
With all these experiences and more, I know that God has not signed the masterpiece in my life yet. The best is yet to come. I am sure I have something to look forward to. I waited for Him. I am still waiting for Him. And no matter what life brings, I will wait for Him. And I may still feel like a failure for myself and some people or I may not have the miracle I have been waiting for, for years, but I feel grateful to be a vessel of His miracles and an answer to other’s prayers. It is such a privilege to be His hands. His voice. His feet. And this is what is of value, that my life is laid in service of my Maker. Someday, when the time is right, He will answer me too.
For now, my greatest miracle is that I still cling on to Him, with questions asked but with my faith intact. There may be things I don't understand - or my prayers may appear unanswered in my light. Yet in all these, I will continue to trust in the Lord. I pray, no matter what you are going through, you'll find the heart to trust Him.
I am Jose Mario de Castro. Serving, trusting, and waiting on God. My feet steady, my hands reaching, my voice singing, my mind searching and my heart yearning that one day, I may see Him clearly behind my clouds. I have learned to listen to Him while I wait.
