24/08/2026
NONDAY PASTORSā MARRIAGE MENTORSHIP CONNECTS(MPMMC)24/08/2026
THE PASTORāS BEDROOM
Honest Conversations About S*x, Love & Marriage
INTRODUCTION
āPastor, the congregation may know your sermon, but does your wife know your heart?ā
A pastor can be spiritually strong in public and emotionally exhausted in private. He can counsel hundreds of couples and still need to intentionally nurture his own marriage.
The pulpit is important but the home is also a ministry.
Your wife is not just the woman who sits beside you during church programmes. She is your covenant partner, companion, friend and lover. Your husband is not only the pastor people call when they have problems. He is also your husband, and your marriage deserves attention.
āA successful ministry should never be built on the ruins of a neglected marriage.ā ATOLAGBES
The subject of s*x in a Christian marriage should not be surrounded by unnecessary shame. Within marriage, s*xual intimacy is part of Godās design for companionship, affection, mutual care and marital unity.
1. THE PASTOR IS A HUSBAND BEFORE HE IS A PUBLIC MINISTER
One of the dangers of ministry is becoming so available to everybody that you become unavailable to your spouse.
People may have access to the pastor at church, through counselling, meetings, programmes and phone calls. But your spouse also needs your time, attention, affection and companionship.
āTherefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.ā Genesis 2:24 KJV
The word ācleaveā speaks about being joined closely.
Marriage requires intentional closeness.
Imagine a pastor who spends hours helping everybody solve their problems but rarely sits down with his wife to ask:
āHow are you really doing?ā
He may be winning battles outside while losing connection at home.
Donāt let everybody enjoy the best version of you while your spouse receives only your leftovers.
2. S*XUAL INTIMACY IS NOT UNHOLY IN MARRIAGE
Some Christian couples are uncomfortable discussing s*x because they have been taught to treat every conversation about s*xuality as dirty.
But the Bible does not present marital intimacy as something shameful.
āMarriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiledā¦āHebrews 13:4 KJV
Within the covenant of marriage, s*xual intimacy should be approached with honour, love, mutual respect and responsibility.
Food is not bad because it must be eaten in the right context. In the same way, s*xual intimacy is not immoral simply because it is powerful. God designed it to function within the proper covenant.
āWhat God created for covenant intimacy should not become a source of shame between husband and wife.ā ATOLAGBES
3. DONāT ALLOW MINISTRY PRESSURE TO DESTROY MARITAL INTIMACY
Pastoral ministry can be demanding.
There are:
* Counselling appointments
* Church meetings
* Sermon preparation
* Prayer meetings
* Emergencies
* Conferences
* Night programmes
* Travelling
* Membersā family problems
But your marriage must not continually receive whatever energy remains after everybody else has been attended to.
āLet all things be done decently and in order.ā
1 Corinthians 14:40 KJV
A phone can have many applications running at the same time, but if the battery is never recharged, eventually everything shuts down.
Your marriage also needs recharging.
Spend time together. Talk. Laugh. Rest. Pray. Go out together. Show affection.
Ministry needs your strength, but marriage needs your presence.
4. TALK ABOUT S*X WITH YOUR SPOUSE
One of the greatest enemies of marital intimacy is silence.
Some couples have been married for years but have never honestly discussed their s*xual expectations, concerns, disappointments or needs.
You donāt have to discuss these matters publicly. But husband and wife should have a safe, respectful private conversation.
Ask questions such as:
āAre you happy with our intimacy?ā
āIs there anything you would like us to improve?ā
āDo you feel loved and desired?ā
āHow can I make you feel more comfortable and connected?ā
āSpeaking the truth in loveā¦ā
Ephesians 4:15 KJV
Honesty without love can wound. Love without honesty can create silence.
Healthy intimacy requires honest communication.
5. DONāT USE S*X AS A WEAPON
S*x should not become a bargaining tool for revenge, manipulation or punishment.
Likewise, one spouse should never pressure or coerce the other into s*xual activity.
Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:3ā5 about mutual marital responsibility and consideration between husband and wife.
The emphasis is not selfish entitlement. It is mutuality, consideration and agreement.
Marriage is not a courtroom where husband and wife constantly keep score:
āYou did this, so I wonāt do that.ā
That mentality creates distance.
Instead, learn to communicate, resolve disagreements and consider one another.
Intimacy grows where there is safety, trust and mutual respect.
6. YOUR WIFE NEEDS AFFECTION OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM
Some husbands become affectionate only when they want s*x.
That can make affection feel like a transaction.
Your wife may need:
* A hug
* A kind word
* Holding hands
* Appreciation
* Listening
* Quality time
* Help with responsibilities
* Encouragement
* A thoughtful message
āHusbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.ā
Ephesians 5:25 KJV
Love is not merely what happens in the bedroom.
Love is the atmosphere you create around your spouse.
A plant doesnāt survive because you pour a bucket of water on it once a month. It needs consistent care.
Likewise, marital intimacy is strengthened by daily expressions of love.
7. THE PASTORāS WIFE ALSO NEEDS TO FEEL DESIRED
Pastorās wives are often expected to support everyone.
But behind the public image is a woman who also has emotional and marital needs.
She needs to know:
āMy husband still sees me.ā
āMy husband still appreciates me.ā
āMy husband still enjoys being with me.ā
āI am not only the pastorās wife; I am his beloved wife.ā
āLet him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.āSong of Solomon 1:2 KJV
The Song of Solomon demonstrates that marital affection is not foreign to Scripture.
Never become so spiritual that you forget how to be affectionate toward your spouse.
8. DONāT COMPARE YOUR S*X LIFE WITH OTHER COUPLES
Social media can create unrealistic expectations.
Someone elseās marriage may look perfect online, but you donāt know the complete story behind the pictures.
Donāt compare your intimacy to another couple.
Learn your spouse.
Discover what makes your marriage healthier.
Grow together.
āLet every man prove his own workā¦ā
Galatians 6:4 KJV
Two gardens may contain different flowers. One garden should not destroy its flowers because another garden looks different.
Your marriage has its own journey.
9. WHEN THERE IS A S*XUAL PROBLEM, DONāT HIDE BEHIND SPIRITUALITY
Sometimes couples need more than prayer.
They may need honest communication, pastoral counselling, marriage counselling or appropriate professional help.
Problems can involve:
* Emotional wounds
* Stress
* Exhaustion
* Relationship conflict
* Physical difficulties
* Medication effects
* Hormonal changes
* Childbirth and parenting pressures
* Past experiences
* Communication problems
Seeking appropriate help does not mean you lack faith.
āIn the multitude of counsellors there is safety.āProverbs 11:14 KJV
Prayer is powerful, but wisdom also knows when to seek help.
10. PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE FROM EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS
Pastors often receive emotional information from people.
A woman may tell the pastor things she has never told her husband.
A man may constantly seek emotional comfort from a female counsellor.
This is where boundaries become extremely important.
Donāt allow counselling relationships to become secret emotional relationships.
āAbstain from all appearance of evil.ā
1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV
Be accountable.
Protect communication.
Avoid unnecessary private intimacy.
When appropriate, involve your spouse or another trusted leader in counselling situations.
Donāt protect your reputation only; protect your covenant.
11. PARENTHOOD MUST NOT COMPLETELY REPLACE HUSBAND AND WIFE
Children are a blessing, but parents must remember that they were husband and wife before they became father and mother.
Some couples become excellent parents but gradually stop being lovers and friends.
āAnd they twain shall be one fleshā¦ā
Matthew 19:5 KJV
Think of marriage as the foundation of the family house. If the foundation becomes weak, eventually other parts of the house are affected.
Create time for yourselves.
Have conversations that are not about children.
Go on dates when possible.
Laugh together.
Donāt raise children so successfully that you lose the marriage that produced them.
12. DONāT LET THE PULPIT BECOME MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE COVENANT
The congregation will appreciate your preaching.
Members may praise your ministry.
People may call you anointed.
But when the service ends, you still have a marriage to nurture.
Jesus taught principles of love, sacrifice and service not only for the congregation but also for the home.
āBut if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faithā¦ā
1 Timothy 5:8 KJV
Your home is part of your ministry.
MY CHARGE TO PASTORS AND THEIR WIVES
Pastor, love your wife intentionally.
Pastorās wife, communicate your needs respectfully.
Donāt allow ministry pressure to silence your marriage.
Donāt allow spiritual activities to replace affection.
Donāt allow unresolved conflicts to become permanent walls.
Donāt allow embarrassment to stop you from seeking appropriate help.
And donāt allow your public ministry to become bigger than your private covenant.
REMEMBER:
Pray together.
Talk together.
Laugh together.
Date each other.
Forgive each other.
Protect each other.
Respect each other.
Nurture your emotional connection.
Protect your s*xual intimacy.
Seek help when necessary.
āThe strongest pulpit cannot compensate for a broken home, and the most beautiful ministry cannot replace the gift of a healthy marriage.ā ATOLAGBES
PRAYER
Father, strengthen every pastor and pastorās wife reading this. Give them wisdom to balance ministry and marriage. Restore communication where there has been silence, affection where there has been distance, understanding where there has been misunderstanding, and healing where there has been hurt. Help every couple to honour their covenant, protect their home and enjoy the gift of marriage according to Your Word. In Jesusā name, Amen.
NEED HELP IN YOUR MARRIAGE?
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Ā© Oluwafemi & āTomi ATOLAGBE
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