28/05/2020
When a Courtship Ends
THE CHALLENGE
“I thought I had found the right person
for me. ‘I could spend forever with this
guy,’ I told myself. But after two
months of dating, I had to break up
with him. I couldn’t believe that what
started so great could end so fast!”—
Anna. *
“It seemed as if we couldn’t be more
alike. In my mind, I already had us
married. As time passed, however, I
began to realize how different we
were. When I saw what a huge
mistake I was making, I broke up with
him.”—Elaine.
Have you been through something similar? If so,
this article can help you deal with the experience.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
A breakup can be painful, even for the person
who initiated it. “I felt terrible!” says a young
woman named Sarah, who broke up with her
boyfriend after six months. “One minute this
person was in my life and in my future; the next
minute he was gone. Then I’d hear songs that
were special to the two of us, and that would
remind me of the good times we had. I’d be at
places that were special to us, and I’d feel the
pain of his absence. I felt all of this even though I
was the one who initiated the breakup!”
A breakup, though painful, can be a good thing.
“You don’t want to hurt the person,” says Elaine.
“On the other hand, you realize that eventually it
would hurt both of you if you were to pursue a
courtship that just isn’t working.” Sarah would
agree. “I think if you aren’t happy with someone
when you’re dating him, you probably won’t be
happy married to him, so breaking up is for the
best,” she says.
A breakup does not make you a failure. Really, a
successful courtship ends in a decision, not
always in marriage. If either you or your partner
has serious misgivings, the right decision may
well be to break up. If that happens, the fact that
the relationship has failed does not mean that you
have failed. You can move on! How?
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Acknowledge the pain. “I lost more than just a
friend; I lost my best friend,” confides Elaine,
quoted at the outset. When you break up with
someone who was that close, a period of grieving
is normal. “A relationship has ended,” says a
young man named Adam, “and there’s always
some pain involved in that, even if you know it’s
for the best.” You might feel similar to King David
of the Bible. “All night long I soak my bed with
tears,” he wrote during a period of anguish.
( Psalm 6:6 ) Sometimes the best way out of pain
is through it, not around it. Acknowledging the
reality of your own feelings can be the first step
in healing. —Bible principle: Psalm 4:4 .
Associate with people who care about you.
Admittedly, that may not be easy. “At first, I
didn’t even want to see people,” admits Anna,
quoted earlier. “I needed time to recover, to go
over everything in my head and make sense of it
all.” In time, though, Anna saw the wisdom of
spending time with close friends who could build
her up. “I have a better frame of mind now,” she
says, “and the breakup isn’t as devastating to me
as it was before.” —Bible principle: Proverbs
17:17 .
Learn from what happened. Ask yourself: ‘Has
this experience revealed any areas in which I need
to grow? What, if anything, would I do differently
in my next relationship?’ “After time passed, I
could better analyze what happened,” says a
young woman named Marcia. “However, I had to
wait until I could look at things rationally rather
than just emotionally.” Adam, mentioned earlier,
feels similarly. He says: “It took a year for me to
get over the breakup. It took even longer for me
to turn the experience into something
constructive. What I went through taught me a lot
about myself, the opposite s*x, and relationships.
I feel much less pain now about the breakup.”
Pray about your anxiety. The Bible says that God
“heals the brokenhearted; he binds up their
wounds.” ( Psalm 147:3 ) While he is not a
celestial matchmaker—nor can he be blamed
when a courtship ends—God has an interest in
your well-being. Pour out your feelings to him in
prayer.—Bible principle: 1 Peter 5:7 .
KEY SCRIPTURES
“Be agitated . . . Have your say in your
heart, upon your bed.”— Psalm 4:4 .
“A true friend . . . is born for times of
distress.”— Proverbs 17:17 .
“Throw all your anxiety on [God], because
he cares for you.”—1 Peter 5:7 .
“THE HEART DOES HEAL”
“When my boyfriend broke up with me, I felt
guilty, confused, lonely, and even worthless.
Being hurt at heart is one of the hardest
things to deal with. But God didn’t create us
with the ability to love simply to torture us
with it. He also made us with the ability to
heal. It takes time to fall in love with a
person, and it takes time to recover when
your relationship with that person ends. But it
can be done. The heart does heal.”—Marcia.
