03/11/2021
COPIED!
The 7 Signs of Forgiveness
In this interview RT Kendall and I explore what forgiveness is, why itâs so hard, the consequences of not forgiving, and the personal experience that prompted the book. Then RT gives seven âproofsâ that youâve totally forgiven someone. Here they are with some quotes from Open House Volume 2 where you can find the full interview transcript:
1. You tell nobody what they did to you
âThis is the hardest thing of all, because the first reaction we have when weâre hurt is to go tell somebody what they did. Now why do we do that? We may say itâs for therapeutic reasons, and thereâs a sense in which it is that. I say to people that you need to tell the offence to one other person for therapeutic reasonsâsomebody who wonât tell. But the main reason we tend to tell people is we want to hurt those whoâve hurt us.â
[RT gives two important exceptions to this rule in the interview]
2. You will not let them be afraid of you
âYou see, a weapon that we use is to intimidate the person whoâs wronged us and keep them in bo***ge. We do everything we can to make them afraid. We walk into a room and theyâre sitting there, they freeze and we think good, good, I love it. But when you have set them free and you refuse to let them be afraid of you, you do nothing to allow that. This is where a marriage breaks down. Husband or wife uses as fear as a weapon to control the other with. Youâve got to let that go.â
3. You donât even let them feel guilty
âNow this is a hard one. You may say, âI forgive you for what youâve done, but I hope you feel guilty about it.â Well, youâre still wanting them to suffer. Thereâs a verse in the Bible, 1 John 4:18, that says, âPerfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.â Well, we want to punish them and we want them to feel guilty for what theyâve done because we cannot bear the thought that they donât feel guilty. And chances are they donât feel guilty. As a matter of fact, most of the people youâll ever have to forgive wonât even think theyâve done anything wrong, so the one whoâs really hurt in all this is the one who doesnât do the forgiving.â
[Donât miss RTâs additional insights on forgiveness and reconciliation]
4. You let them save face
âYou protect their self-esteem. You protect their fragile ego. You cover for them. Instead of saying âGotcha!â you just look the other way. In the case of Joseph, in the Bible, who forgave his brothers, you know what he said to them? He said, âIt wasnât you who sent me here, it was God.â God did it. And they canât believe their luck that the very person they were going to kill and then sold to the Israelites as a slave is now saying to them, âLook, God was behind it all.â It was Josephâs way of letting them save face.â
5. You protect them from their darkest secret
âYou may know something about another person that, if it were told, would destroy them. If this should be the case of an enemy you may say, âIâve got the goods on this person. Any day now I can destroy them.â Total forgiveness is when you are sure that nobody will ever know. That is the way Jesus is with us. He letâs us save face. He doesnât want to bring out the skeleton in the cupboard. Heâs so gentle with us and protects us from our darkest secret. You know Sheridan, weâve all got skeletons in the cupboard and God forgives us and we have to do exactly the same thing with those whoâve hurt us.â
6. You pray for them
âYou have to come to the place where you literally ask God to bless them, knowing full well that God has blessed you and God has given you something you donât deserve, and thatâs forgiveness. When you bless that person you give that enemy, that scoundrel, that rogue, a gift he doesnât deserve. Youâre asking God to do for them what God has done for you. Heâs let you off the hook. Heâs forgiven you of your sins by Jesusâ death on the cross. Now you let them off the hook by asking God to bless them.â
7. Itâs a life sentence
âIâll tell you what happened in my case. I forgave those people in my heart. I felt so good. I was free. And then six weeks later I though, âWait a minute, theyâre getting away with this! Nobody will ever know what they did!â and I got all upset in my heart. I had to forgive them again and then I got free again. I went back and forthâforgive or not forgive, have peace or be angry. I came to the conclusion that peace was better. And now I donât even think about it any more. Itâs done.â