The Kadampa Way of Terminal Illness

The Kadampa Way of Terminal Illness One woman's journey to death using the pathway of Buddhism.

17/01/2026

On this retreat I am learning the mantra of a Dharma protector. This mantra says that your Guru in Buddhism will always be with you and will destroy all obstacles that prevent you from developing spiritually. The mantra is requesting this.

When you have a Guru they want you to train and develop. It's easy to make only weak effort. It's like our Guru is roaring and raring to go but we are dragging our feet. Our Dharma protector is there to energise and motivate us. He is blazing with compassion. He's on fire. This mantra destroys all those obstacles if you learn the meaning of it and you say it like you really really mean it...
...forever, for all living beings. We must get our Dharma practice working.

OM DHARMAPALA MAHA RADZA VAJRA BEGAWÄN RUDRA PÄNTSA KULA SARWA SHA TRUM MARAYA HUM PHAT

15/01/2026

I am doing my first January retreat in a group since January 1997. I've waited a long time to do this and so I'm incredibly grateful to Manjushri Buddhist Centre for finding an accessible solution for dormitory rated accommodation!

I am eternally grateful to this centre. I recommend this centre to everyone! Come and try the January retreat.

03/01/2026

I just had a dream about dying and I want to tell you what happened. I'm at Manjushri doing retreat. Because I'm here, I was thinking it's the best place to die so in the dream it was a peaceful death.

In the dream the first sign was like strong rippling of almost like a strong wind. It was like a wind is trying to blow the mind out of the body. Like a rippling gust would come and then subside then another gust. Each one would last about 30 seconds. It came in about 5 waves. It was not scary nor hot or cold.

Because it came on suddenly I didn't know which part of the sadhana to do. So I just developed faith I was going to the pure land because it seemed like being peaceful is the main objective.

The next sign was that my arms started to become very heavy. ....the dream ended after this and it was so vivid that I actually thought I wouldn't be able to write this text. I woke up and everything is fine don't worry!

I just wanted to share with you that the main conflict in the mind is about exiting the body. During the dream I needed faith to not resist what was happening.

During death, (if my dream was accurate) it is sickness that causes pain and exhaustion. The death process itself is not painful or tiring. I only felt cold when I felt a bit of fear about what was happening.

It felt similar but not the same as going to sleep. The difference was you are not d***y or groggy but are having a vivid experience with strong sensations...but it's like sleeping in the respect that the body makes you comfortable whilst it does what it needs to do. The body wants you to relax and keep still whilst it deals with the situation. So just like in sleep it makes you peaceful and inactive.

I believe the dream was accurate. In my life I've never fallen from a great height....but in my dreams I've experienced that sensation many times. So dreams give accurate information about how the body will feel when certain things happen.

I hope this post is helpful. We always want to see the signs of dissolution so when we see them we might feel joy instead of the reaction of grasping and fear... because..what WE are grasping at as Kadampas is seeing the 8 signs.

So the question is, if the 8 signs suddenly start happening what do we do?

Are we ready for that?

23/11/2025

One of the main issues that can happen when you have a terminal illness is that it completely takes over your mind. You think about it constantly. The focus on yourself grows and you can lose focus on Dharma.

I tried the following meditation today and it helped.

,.............

Imagine being tormented that cancer is in your body. Only to find out that no cancer can be found. Imagine the joy of the meaning of that unfindability.

How much greater meaning and joy it must be to not find the self.

Just like the word cancer is there all the time, so is the word self. And just as I need to be free from cancer so I need to be free from this obsession with self.

05/11/2025

I just got told the cancer is in

My right collar bone
My left 2nd and 3rd rib
My hip bone
Two parts of my sternum.

The answer is to do puja! If you can practice at each stage it gives you confidence.

The Uncommon Yoga of Inconceivability makes all the fear and grasping stop at the navel and change direction.

I'm telling you that fear and grasping are the powerful forces when facing death. They are so powerful. But the more the winds go downwards when you do this Yoga the more Vajrayogini at the navel will gather them into the central channel. Then they turn upwards because they have nowhere to go.

31/10/2025

I am feeling like my story isn't important anymore. But I do believe that people are worried about death and there is a lack of information about dying and if it's scary. So I'm still going to develop this page hopefully so people can see a blog. I hope to tell people it's not so bad.

One of things I'm thinking about is the lower realms. My death feels like such a big deal. But one death in 50 years is not a big deal. Dying every day for 50 years. That's a big deal. Thinking of what those in the lower realms go through makes me feel a sense of shame that I make such a fuss about it happening once.

08/10/2025

On Friday I am doing something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I am going to stay in a dormitory indoors in a Dharma centre. I am so excited to see if they still have a blanket box. I am doing other bucket list activities. I hope to do Feast of Great Bliss at this centre. The last time I did it at this centre was before my disability developed. It's going to be like a time machine journey!

My main activity in the last few months has been doing daily Lamrim meditation as this was promoted at the Summer Festival.

So far I just have shoulder problems and my cancer is staying small due to medication. The medication makes me gain weight and have strong mood swings. It does this by removing estrogen. Estrogen is related to weight and mood.

09/09/2025

It might seem a terrible thing to have cancer, but this illness can give you many years before you die. During these years you can prepare your practices well and do retreat. If you die of a heart attack or stroke you could be totally unprepared.

I started with this cancer in 2018 and I have done some very good retreats due to the wake up call of this illness.

What I am doing now is trying to do daily Lamrim meditation. I have spent a lot of years doing prayers and always seem to neglect meditation. My main focus is on seeing myself as impermanent. I really liked the teaching at this year's Summer Festival where Geshelas 1994 talk was read out of how to develop compassion by meditating on the impermanence of the self.

10/04/2025

During the brief time I got the Uncommon Yoga of Inconcievability to work, I discovered that the following happens.

You stop running away from the present moment, getting uncomfortable in it (aversion), and you stop craving something other than what is in the present moment (attachment).

This is what it means that the winds enter the central channel.

My situation now is a growing chasing & running. Fighting about my care package. Fighting to find £100 per week so I can have a clean body.

When this uncommon Yoga worked I learned that when something doesnt come, its not meant to be.

So how can it be that what is best for me as a Kadampa is to see death without all these human protections. I have concluded that this is so important for me to see this. Life WITHOUT carers. Because that is what samsara is in reality.

What I am seeing is so incredible and worthwhile. Its priceless.

One of the biggest things you face at death is the failings of human care. And it can lead to a lot of anger. If you are left dirty and develop infections such as urine infections or allowed to get pressure sores. If you have to sit in a room for months that smells of incontinence. Its so important to not get angry as death approaches. Im not saying carers are bad. Im saying that universally..human care has its limits. Because it is human beings not saints. And they are humans who also are full time parents as well as full time workers. They are tired and have a lot of weight on their shoulders.

I had these dying insects in my home. They were all over my duvet which had been brought in from the washing line & put on my bed for me! I took one of these insects out and it fell into the grass and couldnt stand up. I realised that was my palliative care for that insect! In that moment I saw the truth. That palliative care is a luxury for a very tiny minority of pampered people. Most in samsara die alone without any "support" So why am I feeling so indignant that I am not getting support.

This new modern support is alien. It is not normal & to expect this in samsara is to not be even attempting to understand samsara. It is time for me to know my situation and be propelled by renunciation not anger and blaming the government or the medical professionals.

09/04/2025

I have had carers coming in for 7 weeks. I just got told that my financial assessment is complete. In 1998 I was told my care would be me paying £10-15 per week and the council would cover the rest because I have minimum income. Universal credit is minimum income calculation. So I did these 7 weeks in good faith. But now I have found out the council asks people to pay £100 per week.

So now I have a choice....to cancel my funeral plan or cancel my care.

I always thought that preparing for end of life was about withdrawing & starting practicing the 3 bringings to get ready.

But its about money. Finding large amounts of money. And fighting to not get into huge debts. Because noone wants to be on their last legs with maxxed out credit cards. Nobody wants to face death feeling unable to buy something they need to help them keep comfortable or safe during the transitions & physical problems.

But Im learning that many people go through financial traumas as well as the physical & emotional side.

So my advice to any Kadampa is to have your will and funeral sorted out whilst you are healthy. Dont just say that it doesnt matter because you are a renunciate or that you are not important.

As you approach death you want to be have minimum things pulling you around and if you have sorted out the funeral plan then you will not have this feeling that the people holding your hand are going to having to find £5000+. You might say to them that you dont want a fuss. But these people need to grieve and the bigger a part you are of their life the more they need a proper send off event to help them get through it. If they feel the send off was half hearted...that will plague them over the coming years.

So my advice is to set up this event...for them...and dont wait until you find out you have a terminal illness. Dont end up in the position I am in where you are trying to pay for carers AND the funeral plan all at once as your terminal illness battle is starting up.

This is the best way to not have all these distractions. To have the funeral advance plan set up in your 50s is the best to minimise these distractions.

I know Geshela didnt have a funeral, but such a thing would have been impossible. But when someone is a spouse or a parent people will be uncomfortable if there is no proper sendoff.

02/04/2025

I want to tell you the latest developments. I have organised my own funeral as an advanced plan.

I get £2000 per month in income total. To pay my rent, bills, for carers and fund my powerchair which costs around £2000.

This normally work but I have to pay £434 for 12 months for my advanced funeral plan.

I have worked out that in order to accomplish this I need to spend less than £70 per week for all my food and living expenses, including the powerchair. I will need to do this for a year.

So instead of doing my bucket list I am doing this tough regime.

Why?

Its because this is my offering for my powa. Everything is for this powa. Not for me but for the people who go to it. When people see I did this, I hope they will see Avalokiteshvara the Buddha of Compassion. I believe they will make a connection that will lead to their liberation. My father and mother are suffering so much with old age. They need liberation. I believe if I make such an extensive offering it will work.

I coudl go on a few nice holidays and pamper myself a bit, but I would rather people meet the Buddha of Compassion.

Especially if they understand that I spent a year of my life to create this event and make this special offering to everyone who has met me or knows me.

I am eating meals that cost £1.50 per day. My heating is off. The bigger the offering the greater the power. I am having a year of very strict self control. I believe its a far better preparation for progressing in Dharma than self pampering.

Even if the event doesnt go ahead this is my offering to you all. I am doing this for you. To repay your kindness. And in the hope that when your time comes you will see Avalokiteshvara again (if you saw him as a result of my powa)...and you will meet him in your future lives and come under his care.

I am having to live strictly for 12 months. Please understand this when you attend my powa which will hopefully be online as well not as a livestream but as a video you can watch.

Im telling you this because I dont know what the Kadampa way of terminal illness is, but this is how it is evolving for me. It is a flexible thiung. There are so many ways to practice. We all have our own karma and work in different ways. This is whats working with my karma. I cant show people I love them with my social skills because they are not very good. So this is my expression of love to you all.

I am eating sandwiches and £1.50 evening meals for a year possibly! So that you all can witness Avalokiteshvaras power.

19/03/2025

The letrazole is keeping the cancer small. I was told that on average, this drug works for 18 months.

I am hoping to be average or even above average!

This blog will hopefully become a diary of working through the difficulties of a developing terminal illness. But for now the illness is not developing.

If you find you have cancer that cannot be removed from your body, it is possible to be comfortable for many years. So do not panic and get tattoos and give away all of your possessions. This is my advice to you all.

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York
YO24

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