16/02/2026
This made me laugh.
MRS RIVERS' GUIDE TO CHURCH ETIQUETTE
by Mrs Pauline Rivers, Head Server (since before most of you were born, and certainly before the carpet)
(Note: Pauline has worked surprisingly hard on this, since realising that our page gives her the ability to share her thoughts and opinions with the world. However, we wish to note that these are not necessarily commensurate with the official opinions of the PCC. Judith M Crowther, Parish Administrator.)
1. Arrive early.
Not “bursting through the west door during the second hymn” early. Early enough to sit down, compose yourself, and locate the correct page in the order of service without visible panic.
2. The bells are not feedback.
If they ring for twenty minutes before the service, this is not a complaint about your punctuality. It is a courtesy reminder that time, like salvation, waits for no one.
3. If you ask, “Is this my seat?” it probably isn’t.
But if you’ve sat there for thirty-seven consecutive years, you may defend it gently, with dignity, and a well-placed hymn book.
4. Pray first. Always pray first.
Before chatting. Before adjusting flowers. Before enquiring why the curate has chosen that stole.
5. Coffee exists.
It is not a sacrament. You may survive ten minutes without it.
6. The kneeler is not a footrest.
Nor is it a percussion instrument during the sermon.
7. Candles are devotional.
They are not birthday accessories, mood lighting, or something to “have a little blow at”. Wax on church linen is to be avoided at all times. It's REALLY annoying.
8. The organ voluntary is not background music.
It is not the soundtrack to your catching-up session about your hip operation. Lionel did not spend all of Friday afternoon serving Bach during a quinquennial inspection for you use it as background to your bunions story. Appreciate his act of worship, please. Peasants.
9. The Peace is warm, not vigorous.
A handshake is sufficient. A full family reunion involving three generations and weather reports is excessive.
10. Children are welcome.
If they make a joyful noise, we rejoice. If they dismantle the credence table, we intervene.
11. If you drop the collection plate,
we will all pretend it was meant to happen. Dignity is a shared project.
12. Hymns are sung.
Murmured reflections upon them are not the same thing. Imagine you're on the terraces at Havnot FC, and give similar enthusiasm to worship.
13. Notices are brief.
They are not an opportunity to recount the entire history of the Bring & Buy Sale of 1987.
14. Incense is not smoke.
It is theology you can see.
15. If you are unsure when to stand,
watch Mrs Rivers. (This has been reliable since 1958.)
16. Do not correct the reader mid-lesson.
Even if they pronounce Habakkuk like a Scandinavian furniture range.
17. The sermon is not a referendum.
You may disagree internally. Externally, you may look thoughtful. Written feedback to the preacher has been known to elicit a carefully calibrated response from the Vicar.
18. Silence is not awkward.
It is rare and should be treated with respect.
19. After the blessing, remain seated.
We leave together. This is civilisation.
20. Go home faintly scented of polish and prayer.
If you feel slightly unsettled, slightly comforted, and unexpectedly grateful, you have done it properly.
I would like it noted that following these rules will not eliminate all confusion, but it will reduce it to a manageable, Anglican-adjacent level.
And if in doubt, dear friends, simply sit up straight, sing out, and remember: Someone is always watching. Usually me.
Pauline Rivers, Head Server
"Only trying to help"
-----
Disclaimer
St Faithful’s is fictional. The affection is real.
Books by Canon Tom Kennar (including 'The Parish Life' - about St Faithful's) are available in print and e-book. Merchandise lurks online. See https://tomkennar.blogspot.com/p/st-faithfuls-authors-resources.html for more details.
AI may assist. The responsibility is entirely human.
