22/10/2026
The previous edition of this poster has been amended following helpful comments from The Faithful/ We hope it is now useful and suitable for display in all churches.
Judith M Crowther, Parish Administrator
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THE FOLLOWING DESCRIPTION OF THE POSTER IS INTENDED FOR THE BENEFIT OF BLIND AND PARTIAL SIGHTED READERS.
PD: A portrait-format poster styled as an old-fashioned parish notice, with black lettering and a detailed pencil-style illustration on a warm cream background. A fine decorative border surrounds the page.
The large heading reads: “Margaret’s Guide to Serving After-Church Refreshments in a Civilised Manner.”
At the upper right, Margaret Basington-Smythe, an older woman with short, wavy white hair and glasses, wears a cardigan over a floral blouse, with a pearl necklace. She leans forward with a look of concentration, pouring tea from an extravagantly enormous, round, aged metal teapot known as “the Empress”. She holds it with both hands: one on the upper carrying handle and the other gripping a second handle attached at two points to the front of the pot, below the lid and above the spout. A stream of tea falls into a cup and saucer. Stacks of cups and saucers, pieces of cake and a plate of biscuits fill the table beneath her.
Below the heading, the introduction reads:
“Issued by Margaret Basington-Smythe, for the avoidance of further incidents.
Refreshments are an extension of our Christian hospitality. They should leave people feeling welcomed, restored and reasonably confident that their cup has been washed.
A few gentle reminders:”
Eleven numbered instructions follow in two columns, with bold headings. Points 1–5 are on the left and points 6–11 on the right. They read:
1. Tea requires boiling water.
Water which was hot when the sermon began will no longer suffice. We are making tea, not encouraging a leaf to reminisce.
2. Allow the tea to brew.
Briefly introducing a teabag to a large pot of water produces a beverage best described as a rumour.
3. Please ask before adding milk or sugar.
“You look like a two-sugars person” is not an appropriate form of pastoral assessment.
4. Coffee drinkers are also welcome.
Under a PCC resolution, and following our membership of something called “Fairtrade Church”, only ethically traded tea and coffee will be served at St Faithful’s. I support the principle, although I should have preferred to be consulted before the cupboard was reorganised. Decaffeinated coffee should also be available. Requests for lattes or cappuccinos will be passed to someone who has not yet spent twenty minutes arguing with the urn.
5. Alternative milks should be clearly labelled.
So should the jug being used to water the flowers. We must not rely on people noticing the difference. Please ask what people need; a request for oat milk does not require a discussion of what was wrong with the world before we had it.
6. Biscuits should be arranged on a plate.
Opening the packet at both ends is not “a more relaxed style of ministry”, whatever the Rector says. Suitable biscuits for those with food intolerances should be offered separately, clearly labelled and somewhere visible. Keeping them in a cupboard known only to Pauline introduces an unnecessary element of spiritual discernment.
7. Please exercise restraint around the chocolate biscuits.
Take one, then allow others their opportunity. Turning a second one upside down beneath a digestive does not render it invisible.
8. Visiting clergy receive the same refreshments as everyone else.
There is no need to produce the concealed shortbread whenever a purple shirt appears. Some of us have been supporting this church for forty years.
9. Welcome newcomers before asking them to wash up.
We want them to feel that they have found a spiritual home. The discovery that this includes kitchen duties can wait until their second visit.
10. Return cups to the kitchen.
Please do not abandon them behind hymn books, on radiators or in the font. Mr Dobbs has begun photographing the evidence.
11. “Let me know if you need a hand” is a gracious offer.
It becomes considerably more gracious if you remain in the building long enough to hear the answer.
Across the bottom, beneath a dividing line, the closing text reads:
“Finally, please remember to thank those serving. They have missed the final hymn, endured the urn and listened to six separate opinions about the strength of the tea.
Any suggestions for improving these arrangements should be accompanied by your name and three Sundays on which you are available.”
It is signed “Margaret Basington-Smythe”, followed by the motto: “Standards are easier to maintain when everyone has some.”
The footer reads: “St Faithful’s, Havnot · stfaithfuls.com”.
