03/07/2026
COURSE 210: THE KINGDOM CULTURE IN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
LESSON 3 - BIBLICAL ROLES OF HUSBANDS, WIVES, BOTH + LITTLE FOXES WHICH SPOIL THE MARRIAGE VINE
SOME KEY ISSUES + DIVORCE AND RE-
MARRIAGE
Kingdom Culture Marriage is a subject which is well articulated in the Constitution of the Kingdom which is the Word. There, in various passages, Elohim lays out a detailed portrait of the roles of all parties in the Marriage union and ensuring Family. We will explore the passages and give Holy Spirit right of way to tie them up together. We will outline roles of each spouse and roles that they share equally.
Biblical Roles of both husband and wife to each other
In the great passage where Paul was used by Holy Spirit to articulate roles of the couple in marriage, he started by making this often ignored statement:
Ephesians 5:21 (KJV) 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
This passage should be understood and applied in the basic context that spouses are first blood bought brethren before they become husband and wife. In that regard, they should embrace the reality that Elohim has not brought them together as instruments of oppression or destruction. Rather, their union creates an intimate opportunity to live out the Word. In that regard, marriage can be seen as a proving ground of the gospel. A man or woman may claim to be holy, loving, and caring. All these claims can stand or fall only when proven in the marriage union. Their warts and spots can easily be detected because there is no hiding place. It makes sense therefore for the couple to see each other as instruments in the hand of the Lord to prove the depth of their spiritual experiences. For this reason, the truths outlined in lessons one and two of this Course should be embraced by all and sundry. When spouses humble themselves to receive and walk in these truths, they would have laid a major foundation for success.
Romans 12:1-3 (KJV) 1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. 3 For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.
Marriage does not exist in a vacuum. There is an enabling environment which makes Kingdom culture marriage very feasible. It is one where both spouses die to self and are pressing into the fullness of Yeshua.
Colossians 3:1-17 (KJV) 1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. 2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. 3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things' sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: 11 Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. 12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
Need to adhere to Scriptural Directions concerning roles of husbands and wives
Many preachers tend to ignore biblical realities as they spin their personal perspectives into unbiblical narratives. Some such preachers and teachers are essentially misleading saints into active ignorance of the truth or downright disobedience of the Truth. Both are inexcusable.
Hosea 4:6 (KJV) 6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.
Within the context of the mind of God expressed clearly in the Holy Scriptures, there are some specific roles assigned to both the husband and wife. These roles are not to be observed conditionally (if the other party does their own share), but as acts of obedience to God who is the author of marriage and outworking of 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 and 1 Peter 4:8 degrees of true love to each other!
The Husband is to:
1. Love his wife sacrificially, willing to pay whatever price it takes for her to become all that Elohim ordained. In doing this, his reference point is Yeshua, Jesus and His propitiatory death for the Church which was done out of love. That means the husband must intentionally set his heart to overlook her faults and focus on her strengths, prayerfully receiving grace to become a co-labourer with Elohim in her perfection from glory to glory. In a real sense, being a husband requires the brother to become an investor into all the things which will bring forth fullness of the glory of Elohim in his wife. This applies to issues such as acquiring further education or getting into any business where she has real competence.
Ephesians 5:25-33 (KJV) 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
It behoves the husband to be spiritually and psychologically ready for this role. It is not a mandate to exercise DOMINION over the wife. The Dominion mandate of humankind in Genesis 1: 26-29 does not authorise any human being to intrude into and control the will of other human beings.
2. Provide a reliable covering to shelter his wife from all manner of temptations, trials, and difficulties she would have faced if unmarried. This security is critical to women. To function validly as the head of a woman, a man should win her trust by his reliability.
Ephesians 5:23 (KJV) 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
3. The man should never be bitter with his own wife, no matter her faults or failings. He should stand in the gap to pray for her process and growth in grace and do that sincerely, creating the enabling environment for Holy Spirit to transform her. This involves avoiding arguments; words, attitudes and actions which make her defensive and unwilling to grow in grace.
Colossians 3:19 (KJV) 19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
To operate in this realm of a bitterness-free heart and attitude will attract respect from the wife in the long run as Holy Spirit uses it to convict her.
4. In order to be the man Elohim God ordained him to be, the husband must ‘leave’ Father, Mother, siblings, and relatives behind. He cannot carry them as baggage into his new nuclear family and expect the wife to ‘understand’ and ‘accept’. Both parties will do well to recognize that Elohim God is using them to extend humanity and the frontiers of the Kingdom on earth and both of them alone will be accountable to Him for how they apprehended and pursued His vision for marriage as a union in which every ‘third party’ is inherently an intrusion.
This provision does not imply the couple should abandon their aged parents or financially challenged siblings to their own devices. Rather, both should prayerfully receive divine guidance on how to support their extended families which attracts divine approval and blessings (Ephesians 6:1-2).
Ephesians 5:31 (KJV) 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
5. The man is charged to dwell with his wife in knowledge, treating her as the weaker vessel. This speaks of deliberate effort to alleviate pressure and make things easier for the woman whose constitution is more tender. It is significant that Elohim did not create Eve from the rough earth but rather from the rib and flesh of Adam! This speaks of refinement in the constitution of women – the basis of their tenderness and meekness which should be preserved and not shattered!
1 Peter 3:7 (KJV) 7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Role of the wife is to:
1. Submit to her own husband as unto Yeshua, Jesus. This is the highest expression of love. This is one of the Pillars of Kingdom culture marriage: that a sister, no matter how highly accomplished can receive a brother into her life to occupy a highly esteemed role as her head, under Yeshua. Any relationship outside this biblical framework is deficient, from the very foundation! In other words,
she has to relate to the husband through the prism of obeying and pleasing Yeshua, Jesus in everything. A careful reading of Ephesians 5:22-33 and Colossians 3:18-21 reveals that this is basically what our heavenly Father wants from women. When a woman does this with all her heart, there is no more law to be added!
Unfortunately, submission is the very thing Satan tempts majority of women to withhold from their husbands. It is interesting that women can submit joyfully to their Pastors and bosses in their workplaces and even to female friends but withhold same from the ONLY person other than Elohim that they are obligated to!
Ephesians 5:22-24 (KJV) 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:33 (KJV) 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Colossians 3:18-21 (KJV) 18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
2. Honour her husband with all her heart using Sarah and Abraham as a model. This should be unconditional, notwithstanding the state of the husband spiritually, socially, financially, or otherwise.
3. Avoid undue investment in external beautification to detriment of their inner beauty. As the heart cannot serve two masters, excessive concern over physical beauty can displace desire for beauty of the heart and mind.
4. Press into deeper realms of spirituality in the ‘hidden man of the heart’. It is from this realm that a woman is meek and submissive to the degree that her husband essentially surrenders a great deal of his authority for her to function as a co-heir of Salvation. The true strength of a woman is in this regard.
1 Peter 3:1-6 (KJV) 1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
As we can see, this is indeed a very short list! Every holy woman can press into the transformed life and build the home according to divine order.
Both husband and wife are commanded to:
1. Submit to each other – Submission in the finest sense needs to be mutual, out of love, not out of compulsion. Each spouse should submit to the other in the areas of strength so that they can complement and become all that Elohim God ordained. Whoever cannot submit cannot lead. Period!
Ephesians 5:21 (KJV) 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
2. Make their bodies exclusively available to each other, for holy copulation, recognizing that it is sin to do otherwise. Neither commitment to ministry nor need to abstain because of fasting is permitted to be made an excuse to unilaterally deny a spouse the pleasure of the body. It is also wrong to apply principles of worldly s*x education and use them to make of none effect, the clear word of the Lord. Saints are to beware how they go to Egypt to learn its ways! Adultery is out of the question for saints and no party should in any way facilitate the entrapment of the other by Satan through denial of legitimate pleasure in and with each other.
1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (KJV) 1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
3. Keep third parties out of the marriage. They should prayerfully work out differences in opinion, perspective, style, and mannerism. Reporting each other to other people, (except to their spiritual leaders or mentors), for the sake of counsel to resolve issues is discouraged.
Ephesians 5:31 (KJV) 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
4. Respect, honour and celebrate each other. Spouses must be the chief cheerleaders for their companions! There must be a mutual inclination in this regard reflecting in tone of speech, attitude, and willingness to support each other through difficult patches of life, which are inevitable. To be nasty, negative, and judgmental negates this important role.
5. Teach and exhort each other. As the Day of the Lord approaches, more and more pressures are bound to come against saints in their ministries, businesses, neighbourhoods, and workplaces. Spouses must learn how to edify and encourage each other rather than being additional pressure points. Lifting the spirit of each other is an investment which can turn the home into an oasis of love in the midst of a hostile world.
6. Contribute to the best of personal ability in Yeshua to offset inevitable expenses. In a previous age, men had exclusive responsibility to care and provide for their wives who stayed at home rearing children. Things have changed and these days, many women are increasingly getting better jobs and better pay. They should humbly submit it all to the family account. Where a husband earns lesser pay, he should not play games with how he spends it on the excuse that his wife has too much. All of his earnings should be joyfully submitted to the family purse also. Spouses who love God and each other must see the necessity of having everything in common. Ideally, there should be a single account. But where the necessity of work demands that employees run personal accounts, both spouses should have access to the bank cards and statements of each other and behave responsibly with them. The right attitude to money that comes in is that it is ‘ours’, not ‘mine’. No spouse should take advantage of the love and transparency of the other to play games with money!
7. Husbands and wives have equal stake in the care and upbringing of the children. Both should joyfully exercise the graces and capacities Elohim God blessed them with and tolerate the inabilities or weaknesses of each other. For instance, the spouse who is more cerebral should joyfully oversee the after-school education of the children and not nag the other. The one who can wake up earlier should joyfully render the service of preparing the children for school and not nag the late riser. Tolerance and forbearance are virtues that enable spouses to fill gaps in each other.
8. Tolerate, forbear, and avoid thoughts, words or deeds which hurt their spouses. This is about being proactive for good of the family. It is also important that spouses must grow in grace with regular encounters with Elohim in The Word. With renewed minds and transformed hearts as they submit to Holy Spirit, couples can grow in the Lord and leave childish things like arguments, debates, quarrels, and competition behind. Bearing the burdens of each other therefore become a veritable means through which they grow in the Spirit! In this state, Elohim can use the spiritually more mature or stronger to recover the weaker at any point in time.
Galatians 6:1-2 (KJV) 1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. 2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
9. Consciously align with The Holy Scriptures and trust the Holy Spirit to work out the state of love and true unity which should hallmark true Christian marriage, which is a union, not a mere relationship. When spouses consciously reject division, dissension and things which dissipate their spiritual strength, the Lord enables them to begin the necessary process of becoming one in thought, word, and deed.
10. Spiritually checkmate each other to avert the Ananias and Sapphira
Complex. This is connivance to deceive the Church and even Society. It comes about through deliberate plots to lie, distort faces, and manipulate them for advantage. Spouses should give each other right of way to checkmate any such tendency to prevent a slide into spiritual disaster that can destroy the marriage and family.
Jude 22-23 (KJV) 22 And of some have compassion, making a difference: 23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.
Once the couple reject the worldly concept of marriage, accept and repent of their individual and collective sins and submit to the Holy Spirit to enable them to attain the standard of Elohim in the Word, the journey to excellence can begin! They ‘see’ the need for unity and the glorious possibilities of becoming aligned in spirit, soul, and body. This deep hunger translates into love thoughts, words and attitudes which translate to a new ‘Kingdom type’ marriage! The scriptures below and their potent possibilities in Yeshua are attained first within the context of true union between a man and a woman who are brought together by the match making skills of Holy Spirit.
John 13:34-35 (KJV) 34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
When love bonds the couple in this way, the manifest Presence of King Yeshua, leads to organic unity, release of His Grace and Favour which make miracles a normal experience. Prayer of agreement becomes a norm.
Matthew 18:19-20 (KJV) 19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
1 Corinthians 1:10 (KJV) 10 Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.
Little Foxes which indicate Dysfunctional Marriages
Great marriages can be attacked through what the Bible calls little foxes that spoil the vine.
Song of Solomon 2:15 (KJV) 15 Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.
Some of them are so tiny that individually, they may seem to be harmless. However, when their gnawing at the union is unchecked, they may, like weevils, eat up the trunk. Collapse may be inevitable on a day and time no one can predict.
Little foxes that may operate on part of the husband/man
1. One where the man is unwilling and unable to step into his role as head of the wife and home.
2. One where the man is unable or unwilling to provide for his wife and children if any.
3. One where the man gets bitter with his wife so much so that he sees nothing good in her and resorts to wrong use of the tongue.
4. One where parents, siblings and relatives of the man control and determine the quality of his relationship with his wife.
5. Where the man is weak in prayer and cannot function as Priest over the home to cover his wife effectively as well as the children.
6. Where the man over-reacts to words, attitudes, and actions of his wife to activate negative reaction such as anger, wrath, railing, and physical assault including battery.
7. Where resentment and offence are retained beyond what is biblically prescribed ‘sundown’. In this way, Satan is given room to operate.
Ephesians 4:26-27 (KJV) 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil.
8. Comparing his wife to other women – whether in his thoughts, emotions, or words.
9. Expressing a dislike, and distaste for a wife – especially when the flower of her life is in sunset.
10. Having eyes full of adultery which makes a man gaze at other women while with his wife or without her.
11. Migration of the heart and mind to Lusts expressed in Po*******hy
12. Visiting or using dating sites.
13. Making lewd comments on social media posts relating to women and their bodies.
14. Placing demands for unnatural s*xual satisfaction on a wife which wounds her conscience.
15. Using s*x as a tool to manipulate a less experienced wife to feel inadequate.
16. Discussing the wife in a negative or pejorative light with those outside the union – including children.
17. Seeking counsel from anyone other than vessels both agreed upon as Pastors, Mentors or Counsellors.
18. Attempts to manipulate and control the will of the wife so that she cannot hear from Elohim and exercise independent judgement – this is what the spirit of Jezebel is all about.
19. General Dissatisfaction with one’s own spouse and harbouring thoughts of separation or divorce. When this stronghold persists, without being taken away, it is only a matter of time when the deed is done: the marriage ends.
20. Keeping secret social media accounts or not sharing passwords with spouses.
21. Engaging in suspicious behaviours and speech patterns on phone which raise concerns in the wife.
22. When Faith for the spouse is displaced by emotion and the five carnal senses (Romans 14:23).
23. Inability to discern wiles and devices of Satan and wage effective spiritual warfare with Blood of the Lamb and Whole armour of God.
Little foxes that may operate on part of the wife/ the woman
1. One where the woman is the primary provider for the home because the man is incapable, irresponsible, and unwilling to lay hands on the plough to work or uses ministry as a cover to allow this unnatural situation to be the new norm.
2. Where the woman usurps authority over the man either covertly or openly.
3. One where the woman, in a bid to project her ‘strong woman’ image basically tramples on the husband, reducing him to a passive bystander in the home.
4. Where a woman uses s*x as a tool to extract promises of favours from her husband.
5. Where a woman routinely weaponizes s*x as an instrument of denigrating her husband and thus portray him as incapable of fulfilling conjugal responsibilities.
6. Where the woman constantly portrays a soul tie to a high achiever Father or male sibling, using that to make the husband feel inferior or a failure.
7. Where though married, a woman consults her parents or siblings about issues in her home.
8. Discussing the husband in a negative light with people outside the union – including children.
9. Where the woman compares her husband with her parents or other men especially ex boyfriends – whether in the mind or verbally.
10. Where the woman loses the grace of meekness and becomes ‘tough’, ‘harsh’ or ‘hard’ towards the husband, judging him rather than loving him.
11. Seeking counsel from anyone other than vessels both agreed upon as Pastors, Mentors or Counsellors.
12. Attempts to manipulate and control the will of the husband so that he cannot hear from Elohim and exercise independent judgement – this is what the spirit of Jezebel is all about.
13. Where the woman manipulates and pressures her husband to provide a blank cheque ‘do whatever it takes to succeed’ meaning turn a blind eye to potentially unhealthy relationships and even immorality.
14. Rejection of the biblical concept of submission to husband – in the heart, by attitudes, words, or actions.
15. General Dissatisfaction with one’s own spouse and harbouring thoughts of separation or divorce. When this stronghold persists, without being taken away, it is only a matter of time when the deed is done: the marriage ends.
16. Keeping secret social media accounts or not sharing passwords with spouses.
17. Engaging in suspicious behaviours and speech patterns on phone which raise concerns in the husband like dashing off with the phone to a private corner when a particular ring tone sounds.
18. When Faith for the spouse is displaced by emotion and the five carnal senses.
19. Inability to discern wiles and devices of Satan and wage effective spiritual warfare with Blood of the Lamb and Whole armour of God.
To understand, embrace and walk in these biblical truths will enable each party to pay the price of walking in obedience to Elohim. Any marriage which seems to be ‘successful’ outside the framework of scripture can, at best, be regarded as dysfunctional and an abnormality.
The Power of Repentance for New Beginnings
The Bible is clear that genuine repentance can change lives and activate new beginnings. Couples who are convicted on some of the points raised in this lesson can repent and receive the mercy of Elohim.
Psalm 66:18 (KJV) 18 If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord
will not hear me:
Proverbs 28:13 (KJV) 13 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
1 John 2:1-2 (KJV) 1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: 2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.
SOME KEY ISSUES + DIVORCE AND RE-
MARRIAGE
In the preceeding paragraphs, we located some little foxes which spoil the vine of marriage. The list is not exhaustive. Marriages are unique and going to the Lord with mirror of the word, in sincerity, will unveil some little foxes that are peculiar to your marriage. That our spouses graciously endured them, bearing with us in long suffering is not an excuse to let the little foxes live. Take nagging for instance. To some women, they are exercising the right to tell it as it is (freedom of speech). The question is not how justified we feel but what the Bible says:
Proverbs 21:9 (KJV) 9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
Proverbs 25:24 (KJV) 24 It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.
Nagging drives a deep dagger at the heart of husbands and children, especially the male ones, inflicting damages on their mind and emotions. The same effect ensures where husbands are overbearing and constantly railing at their wives over even minor issues. Those enrolled for this course should do well to spend some time to ask Holy Spirit to reveal any previously unidentified little fox so that through repentance and possible restitution, they can be taken out.
What is the married state supposed to be in the Kingdom?
The married state is ordained to be one of bliss: heaven on earth if both spouses are committed to understand and walk in the divine purpose and precepts of Kingdom Culture! This quality of bliss has nothing to do with accumulation of material stuff or ‘enjoyment of the flesh’ which many tend to associate with a profound blessing. It rather has to do with the satisfaction of locating the missing half and becoming ‘complete’ in Yeshua, Jesus and in each other.
Saints in marriage must remember that the high standard of Elohim, God for marriage is indicated by the fact that it is the institution used to illustrate the relationship of Yeshua with His beloved Body, the Church!
Ephesians 5:23-30 (KJV) 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones
Role of clean Communication
In marriage, transparency and accountability are basic to fulfilment. The couple must be able to communicate their deepest hearts to each other in a way they cannot do with others. To be in marriage and have a best friend outside is to court disaster and control that may injure the union. The tongue is the instrument of expressing true state of the heart and mind.
Luke 6:45 (KJV) 45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil:
for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
If the heart and mind are in right state, the words that will come forth will be full of grace and wisdom.
James 3:8-18 (KJV) 8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. 10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. 11 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? 12 Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh. 13 Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. 14 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. 15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. 16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. 18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
James 1:26 (KJV) 26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
Spouses need to invest in enhancing their speech pattern so that words are used to positively effect: creating the lifestyle they desire in each other rather than judging and handing over each other to Satan and his cohorts.
Colossians 4:6 (KJV) 6 Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
Ephesians 4:15 (KJV) 15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:
A couple who can communicate positively will abhor accusatory and prosecutorial language which elicit negative responses and inflames passions.
Elohim and The Word on Divorce and re-marriage
Divorce: can a Christian marriage be voided? If so under what conditions?
At this stage of our discourse, we need to re-visit an issue which has been touched on in previous chapters. The valid question may be asked concerning saints in this present dispensation of The Kingdom “can a Christian marriage be voided? If so under what conditions?". The rate at which divorce has overtaken saints is clearly scandalous and effectively degrades the witness of the Church before the world. Irrespective of our personal opinions, it is important that we go back to scripture to locate the mind of Elohim on this critical matter and seek His help to recover. The Word of Elohim is unequivocal: Marriage was designed as a permanent union which produces a new personality – neither the man nor the woman as they were in their single states, but a brand-new reality called ‘the couple’! Storms may arise and any one of the spouses may step on each other’s toes because of the frailties of the human nature and extra baggage accumulated in the soul (mind, will and emotion) arising from family background, training, education, exposure, and challenges encountered in the single estate with people of the opposite gender. These may result in negative strongholds, stereotypes, defensive reflexes and other thought patterns, attitudes and speech patterns which may cause strain on each other. However, saints who truly sought and married according to the will of Elohim and who love each other truly will be better equipped to walk through the storms and work out these issues by the help of the Holy Spirit and where necessary seek and obtain sound spiritual counsel.
In this regard, a helpful remedy is this: each spouse needs to cultivate the capacity to repent and to express regret ‘I am sorry’ not only when wrong but also as an instrument of de-escalation when tensions rise. The aggrieved party needs to learn how to accept such gracious words without referencing past failures. Constant reference to the past is indication of absence of genuine forgiveness. Just as the Lord forgets when He forgives us and justifies us by wiping the slate clean, we are called to extend that same grace to our spouses. In two separate scriptures previously quoted, Yeshua Jesus laid bare the attitude of divinity to the vexed issue of divorce.
Matthew 5:31-32 (KJV) 31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
Matthew 19:3-9 (KJV) 3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? 4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? 8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
It is instructive that the mind of Elohim concerning marriage are expressed in clear terms with not much room for private interpretation. Yeshua Jesus made two references to the Old Testament when answering the religious leaders. The first was in Genesis Chapter 2:21-25 when marriage was instituted by Elohim as the first institution on planet earth. The second was the Law which was instituted through Moses to ensure that the hardhearted people had some restraint in separating from their wives – issuance of a written bill of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). The language used by Malachi to describe how offensive divorce is in the sight of Elohim God is very strong:
Malachi 2:15-17 (KJV) 15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. 16 For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. 17 Ye have wearied the Lord with your words. Yet ye say, Wherein have we wearied him? When ye say, Every one that doeth evil is good in the sight of the Lord, and he delighteth in them; or, Where is the God of judgment?
Divorce is however deemed to have taken place when a man or woman goes into s*xual relationship with a third party. It happens to be a permissible ground on which a saint can seek annulment of a marriage if he or she is unable to forgive ’70 times 7’ as Yeshua defined elasticity of forbearance to Peter (Matthew 18:21-25).
There appears to be ground to believe, as some theologians suggest, that Yeshua Jesus was even speaking of ‘fornication’ – the sin of s*xuality immorality involving any of the parties betrothed but not yet formally wedded. In which case, the sinning party has nullified the basis of marriage in the first place as would have happened to Mary but for the intervention of the Angel Gabriel who explained to Joseph that she was pregnant by the operation of the Holy Spirit in Matthew chapter 1:18-25. From a New
Testament point of view, adultery, evil as it is, can be forgiven by a true saint in marriage. However, taken together with other scriptures, the injured party is expected to forgive and accept back the sinning spouse if true repentance took place. If repentance was not real and deep, and the spouse kept sinning, the injured party may be permitted to seek permanent separation.
From a scriptural point of view however, the one who is seeking divorce needs to know that ‘re-marriage’ is clearly forbidden by Jesus! The Golden Standard of the Kingdom is this: when people divorce therefore, they should consecrate their bodies to Yeshua, Jesus, be married to Him for life and allow the Holy Spirit to use them to manifest His grace and goodness. By allowing Satan to make divorce the plague it is today, saints have unwittingly defaced a core pillar of the Kingdom with worldly graffiti!
Matthew 19:9 (KJV) 9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (KJV) 10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
The reason for these ‘tough’ provisions is that from a divine point of view, the two married individuals become ‘One Flesh’ and are indivisible!
Ephesians 5:31 (KJV) 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
Separation: what conditions can occasion separation and what options exist for the couple?
If a couple are genuinely born again and are yielded to The Holy Spirit, they will be able to work through differences and difficulties.
Colossians 3:12-17 (KJV) 12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
There may be situations where all efforts by one party are frustrated by lack of cooperation by the other person. When this is so, physical separation of a couple may be inevitable while prayer and wisdom is applied to resolve the differences. During the period of separation, the couple are to count the cost and make necessary adjustments which will make re-union feasible. Pastors can approve separation where these conditions exist:
• Domestic Violence and Abuse which may lead to physical pain
• Fiery verbal abuse which destroys the other spouse
• Consistent perversion which defiles the conscience of one party
• Threat to life
• Threat to mental and emotional stability
• Habitual Infidelity
Separation should not be sought lightly. It should only be effected when the couple have exhausted private dialogue and sought counsel but still are unable to find common ground. Let it be re-emphasized that those who are separated this way should be open to the inner workings of Holy Spirit Who alone can engender forgiveness in heart of the aggrieved and acceptance of each other. The healing process may take months or years and should not be rushed out of a religious spirit. Those who are compelled to recourse to separation need to remind themselves that from a divine point of view, remarriage may not be permitted.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (KJV) 10 And unto the married I
command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
The Scriptural Grounds for Re-marriage
There are some provisions in the Holy Scriptures which some interpret as providing ground for re-marriage. Only one is explicitly stated while the other two are subject to interpretations by various schools of thought. For the sake of eternity and the day we will appear before the Judgement Seat of Yeshua, it is advised that saints be very conservative about interpretations and rather seek the face of Elohim before proceeding forward.
1. The first is death of a spouse.
Physical death effectively nullifies a marriage. The surviving spouse is expected to mourn, pray, and make necessary adjustments in lifestyle. It is advised that though the living spouse has the right to remarry, it should be done with three broad guiding principles, namely:
i. Respect prevailing sentiments concerning what is deemed appropriate period of remaining single before seeking companionship again. If a surviving spouse rushes into marriage within say three to six months, he or she may by so doing cause offense to friends and family and create occasion for gossips and speculations which can bring reproach to the name of the Lord. This principle of charity towards other saints is established in these scriptures: Romans 14 and Romans 15:1-7.
ii. Where there are children growing up or already grown up, the surviving spouse must give serious thought to whether bringing in a new person may shatter or bond the family. Sensitivity to potential impact of the decision to re-marry on the children should be weighed carefully and taken to the Lord in prayer. The voice of Elohim should be the ultimate guide and He never fails to lead rightly. The point is that even when He gives the green light to re-marry, a saint still needs His wisdom on how to navigate the issues.
iii. The surviving spouse is now a single before Elohim and
society. There should be a sincere assessment of his or her capacity to be celibate. There should be no shame or guilt to acknowledge that one’s impulses are still alive, and celibacy has not been received as a gift of Grace.
1 Corinthians 7:9 (KJV) 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
2. The second ground of where re-marriage may be inferred but not expressly approved is when a marriage breaks down because one of the couple is irredeemably engrossed with immoral living, unwilling to get help for deliverance. In this case, the immoral life practically nullifies the marriage. The offended party can seek counsel and prayerfully determine what the will of Elohim is, going forward. Consideration needs to be made of this double-edged rule by King Yeshua:
Matthew 19:9 (KJV) 9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
The one who has exhausted forbearance with the sinning spouse or who has a valid concern that s*xually transmitted diseases can wreak havoc on the family has not sinned if he or she regards the marriage as ‘dead’. It was ‘killed’ by the immoral conduct of the one who got joined to a stranger.
3. The Third is where an unbelieving spouse rejects a saint simply because of Faith in Christ Jesus! This rejection can come on two planes:
Spouses married as un-believers. After some time, the husband or wife is saved to the consternation of the unbelieving spouse. If the unsaved insists on rejecting the saved because of his/her faith, the person who was rejected is regarded as having been cut loose. He or she is regarded as single and can marry. Spouses married as believers. In the course of time, one party can backslide or apostatize and consequently reject the spouse who is still standing strong in the Faith. The saved spouse is charged by 1 Peter 3: 1-6 to accept and accommodate the unsaved or backslider.
1 Peter 3:1-6 (KJV) 1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which
