Kanaan Ministries

12/05/2026

Your Story Holds the Key: Find Deeper Intimacy with Yourself, Others, and God

https://www.drcarolministries.com/your-story-holds-the-key-find-deeper-intimacy-with-yourself-others-and-god/

Oh, how good we are at hiding! Humans have been practicing hiding ever since the Garden of Eden, and we’ve gotten so good at it that we often don’t recognize we’re doing it. Yet we hunger for deeper intimacy, to be seen and known. It really feels like a double bind; if you really knew me, you’d reject me. But I hunger to be known. It can feel awful.

This dynamic plays into every relationship we have. It impacts your relationship with yourself. There are parts of you that you don’t want to acknowledge, parts you’re ashamed of or afraid of. So you pretend they’re not there and perhaps wear yourself out trying to keep those parts buried.

Hiding certainly impacts your relationship with others. From at least middle school on, if not earlier, you’ve learned what parts of you are acceptable to others, and what parts aren’t. Your persona may be the productive one, the smart one, the bad one, the perfect one, but that’s only one part of the real you. What would those close to you say if they really knew you?

And then there’s the way we pretend to hide from God, like a toddler playing peek-a-boo, covering his eyes thinking others can’t see him. We might try to run away from Him, as Jonah tried to do (Jonah 1:3). We know God sees us, sort of. But when we imagine coming into His presence we perhaps subconsciously think we have to have it all together, to make ourselves presentable. As if God doesn’t see the whole story.

And there’s the key; your story. Wrestling with your story is what makes deeper intimacy possible.

Your Story

You didn’t wake up one day and decide to hide. In some way you were taught to hide. And you learned your lessons very well. Those around you while you were growing up may have been well-meaning, but they almost certainly only saw part of you. And they saw you through their own blurred and broken lens, projecting their own hopes, dreams, disappointments, and trauma onto you.

Who did you have to pretend to be in order to get attention, validation, nourishment, or love? Productive? Smart? Good? Bad? Sexy? Submissive? Aggressive? Emotional? Not emotional? Happy? Funny? Hard-working? Again, those around you may have been well-meaning and some of what you got affirmation for may be very good things. But what parts of you were not seen?

And what parts of you went under cover, ready to boil over in the most unlikely or hurtful ways?

For some, this plays itself out in truly destructive patterns, in behaviors that have life-long consequences. For others, it leads to a chronic unhappiness, existing but not fully living.

And remember, you were born seeking to be known. However small that remaining flame may be, or however large the raging furnace under the surface may be, your hunger for intimacy is there.

What now?

There is no three-step magic plan to “zap” you from hiding in misery to being fully seen, known, – and loved. But there is a path – just not a magic one. It’s a journey of hope, healing, and transformation.

Coming to Be Known

Self-absorbed navel-gazing is not the point. The goal is not to come out from hiding as an end in itself. The reality is, however, that only as you cease hiding can you become known – by yourself, by others, and by God. (More accurately, that’s how you come to sense how God already knows you.) And in that knowing you become who you were created to be.

Coming out from hiding requires looking at your story with honesty and compassion. That rarely happens in one moment. Your brain usually can’t handle it all immediately. And the messier your story and the thicker the walls around your heart, often the more distressing that process may feel.

Deeper intimacy always requires at least three elements; being truthful with yourself, with someone else, and with God.

Truthful With Yourself

This is not simply acknowledging the facts of your story, but processing how it all affected you. It’s not just a left-brain information thing, but it needs to include the right brain – emotions, heart – also.

It may help to picture the younger version of you. What did that 6 year-old, 11 year-old, 17 year-old, 26 year-old version of you feel, see, know, believe, need? What was her world like? If you could talk with her now, what would she say?

The younger version of you may need some loving convincing that it’s safe enough to talk to you. Remember, Jesus loved the children (Mark 10:13-16). He loves your inner child too.

Truthful With Someone Else

We’re so used to hiding from ourselves that we can’t see the whole truth on our own. We need someone else to reflect back to us who we really are.

You may be scared to let your real self be seen and known by another. Do it anyway. You have likely been hurt in your past attempts to allow another to truly see you. Yes, do it anyway. You may have had unrealistic expectations, chosen an unhealthy or unwise person, used s*x when you were seeking intimacy, or otherwise sought connection in ways that could never lead to being seen and known. You can learn healthier ways and do it anyway.

Find your people! That likely starts by coming out of hiding with just one person, perhaps a godly friend, a truly knowledgeable pastor, a Christian counselor, or the like. In sharing part of you, then more and more of you, with someone who’s worthy, you learn what trust can be (it’s not all or nothing), and your story becomes healed.

Truthful With God

When you imagine God being right beside you, truly seeing you, how do you feel He must feel about you? When I ask that question, the most common response I hear from people is, “Disappointed.”

Friends, that comes from a distorted internal picture of God. “Disappointed” is not the God who made you in His image, who literally came from heaven as “God With Us” to find you and restore you, who moment-by-moment longs for intimacy with you, who knows you better than you know yourself – and delights in you (Zephaniah 3:17).

Decide to let Him come closer. Get quiet, ask Him how He feels about you and stay quiet long enough to hear Him respond. Choose to open the door to one more room in your internal “house” and let Him in.

And when Jesus shows up, when you allow Him to come in, everything changes.

That’s how addressing your story makes deeper intimacy possible.

Your turn:

Where have you been hiding?
What area of your story do you need to process in order to make intimacy possible?
Where is your biggest struggle; being truthful with yourself, with others, or with God

Your hunger to be seen and known is God-given. But we're good at hiding. Your story holds the key that makes deeper intimacy possible.

05/05/2026

⚔️ Warrior Women Conference 2026 ⚔️

Get ready to rise, stand firm, and FIGHT FORWARD! 💥
📅 17 October 2026
⏰ 10:00 – 17:00
📍 Jan Kriel School

Join us for a powerful day of encouragement and spiritual strength with inspiring speakers:
✨ Pastor Thelma Shum
✨ Amanda Buys

🎟️ Tickets: R250 per person
Available now on Quicket – secure your seat before it’s sold out!
https://www.quicket.co.za/events/370999-2026-warrior-woman-conference-fight-forward/ #/

Don’t miss this life-changing gathering of women standing strong in faith. Invite a friend and come expectant! 🙌

01/05/2026

May 2026 features two full moons: the Flower Moon on Friday, May 1, and a Blue Moon on Sunday, May 31. The first, a Scorpio full moon, peaks at 17:23 UTC (19:23 Madrid time). Both full moons are also considered "micromoons," appearing slightly smaller and dimmer because they occur near the moon’s apogee.
Prayer during the full moon - https://kanaanministries.org/kanaan_downloads_restoration_bride_messiah/download-info/prayer-beltane/

20/04/2026

When Praying to Restore Your Marriage Isn’t Working
https://www.drcarolministries.com/when-praying-to-restore-your-marriage-isnt-working/

It’s dangerous to even imply that prayer isn’t enough. That seems to go against what any “good” Christian believes. And yet I speak with husbands and wives all the time whose prayers for their marriage seem to go unanswered. What are you to think when praying to restore your marriage doesn’t seem to be working? How long are you supposed to “wait?”

There’s little that has a bigger impact on your wellbeing than the health or lack of health in your closest personal relationships. When your marriage is not well, nothing in life can make up for it. God cares about your marriage. And He can do miracles. So aren’t you supposed to believe God to restore your marriage, and pray for that?

Yes. But what you mean by “restore your marriage” may not be what God is after. Here are some important things to understand about the nature of marriage and the nature of love that will change your praying.

What Restoring Your Marriage is NOT

I’ve noticed a dangerous but common sentiment in the people who contact me for help, hoping and praying that God will restore their marriage. Too often what they want is for God to make their spouse change so they can go back to the way things were “before.”

If their spouse has left, they want God to make them come home. If their spouse has withdrawn from s*x, they want God to make their spouse have s*x with them. Or if their spouse is addicted or angry or withdrawn or selfish, they want God to “fix” them so they can have the marriage they want. That may be a bit oversimplified, but that’s the bottom line.

That’s a dangerous sentiment because marriage never was intended to be about getting your needs met. In a healthy godly marriage many of your needs are likely to be met, but that’s not the purpose of marriage. Believing marriage is all about you is really the antithesis of love.

God is never pleased with your pain. But He won’t “fix” your spouse so you can have what you want. If that’s what you’re after when praying to restore your marriage, be glad God is not answering your prayer with a Yes! You don’t want things to go back to the way they were before; that’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

What Restoring Your Marriage IS

So what is God after?

Your pain is an indication your marriage is broken, and you don’t want to go back to the state of affairs that led to things being broken. What you need is a new marriage – with the same partner.

That’s an important distinction, and it will change the way you pray. Whatever was unhealthy in your marriage previously needs to be dealt with. Yes, that involves your spouse changing, but it also involves you changing. The ways you relate to each other may need to be completely rebuilt.

If you previously enabled your spouse’s bad behavior, accepted abuse, or didn’t make your voice heard, you will need to learn how to speak up, set boundaries, and stay engaged through conflict. If you are accustomed to manipulating, controlling, belittling, or trying to force your own way, you will need to learn how to let go, listen, apologize, and serve your spouse. For your marriage to become what God intended, it’s likely you will need to renegotiate much about communication, intimacy, power, conflict, and more.

I’m not implying even for a moment that you are responsible for your spouse’s bad behavior. None of this minimizes your spouse’s need to change. But the point is that you yourself will have to change for you to be able to experience the kind of healthy marriage you desire and that God desires for you.

Without you becoming someone new from the inside out, you will not be able to have a new marriage.

Love is Dangerous

And there’s something you must remember about love. The nature of love being what it is, love is dangerous. Love makes you vulnerable. Love someone and you give them power to hurt you.

Think of God, and how He loves. His love is overwhelming, endless, perfect, incorruptible, unmixed. Love is His very nature. He is the very definition of Love. No one, nothing, can stop Him from loving perfectly.

And yet He has failed.

Failed in this sense. The very human beings He created out of love, and placed in the absolutley perfect environment, turned against Him. When He came to earth in the Person of Jesus, He lost one of His closest companions (Judas who betrayed Him). His desire that no one should perish (2 Peter 3:9) will not be fulfilled; some will be lost.

And that’s because He is Love. True love does not wish to manipulate or control, but to be loved freely in return. And love cannot be commanded or forced. Love is only love when it’s freely given. Unrequited love is perhaps the most painful of emotions, even for God.

Loving your spouse means you cannot “make” them into the person you desire. Not even God will force them (or you!) to become whole. What God does is invite them, and you, into a process of becoming the person He created you both to be. And you can be a big part of that invitation for your spouse, without any guarantee of what the response will be.

How to Pray

You love your spouse. And you want restoration for your marriage. Or perhaps more wisely, you want your marriage to become all that God intended. So how do you pray?

Here’s what that can look like.

• Ask God to let you see your marriage as He sees it. Ask Him to show you how He sees your own heart, your spouse’s heart, and your relationship. “Lord, what’s going on here?”
• Who does God need you to be to your spouse in this season? Does He need you to take your grubby hands off so He can work? Or to step up and fulfill a role you’ve been holding back from? Or to pursue your spouse in a way you haven’t before? Perhaps He needs you to “suffer well,” being His “hands and feet” to your spouse in their suffering.
• Regardless of what He needs you to do, it will take courage. It takes courage to listen when you’d rather talk, or speak up when you’d normally withdraw, to learn new skills of communication, or to pursue intimacy in the way your spouse can respond to.
• You can’t control the outcome. You can’t control your spouse’s vote, or the process God takes either of you through. You’ll need to open your clenched fists and learn what trusting God is all about, even if the outcome looks different than you want.

So keep praying for God to do in you, in your spouse, and in your marriage what only He can do. And keep listening to understand who He needs you to be along the way.

Your Turn:
Are you praying for God to restore your marriage?
Are there some of these elements of prayer that you need to incorporate going forward?

If in praying to restore your marriage you are hoping your marriage will go back to how it was "before," you may be praying for more harm.

13/04/2026

You Didn’t Choose Your Trauma, But You Can Choose Your Healing

https://www.drcarolministries.com/you-didnt-choose-your-trauma-but-you-can-choose-your-healing

Nobody wakes up one morning and says, “Today I think I’ll mess up my life and the lives of those I care about, cut myself off from goodness, and live a life I’ll deeply regret later.” But that’s exactly what we often do. You didn’t decide to have issues; you came to be where you are from somewhere. That somewhere matters. You didn’t choose your trauma, but you can choose your healing.
God knows your story.

Psalm 87:6 “The Lord records as He registers the peoples, “This one was born there””

He understands the family of origin you grew up in, the environment that shaped you, the soul nourishment you received (or not), the little and big traumas you survived, the open wounds or healed scars you carry.

Yes, God knows. But do you know?

As Hagar was running from the abuse Sarai was dishing out, God met her and asked, “where have you come from and where are you going?” (Genesis 16:8)

I believe God would ask you the same thing.

Where have you come from?

Have you adequately addressed the “stuff” you’ve experienced, the lies you’ve come to believe, the wounds you’ve accumulated, and the empty places still unfilled in your soul?

And where are you going?

Is the trajectory you’re on right now one that will lead to increasing wholeness, integration, and being like Jesus? That does not happen just by trying harder; it comes through dealing with the deeper matters of the heart.

If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, it’s time to get curious and look deeper. It may be your unfinished business that’s affecting your spiritual formation.

Trauma and Spiritual Formation

There are plenty of Bible stories about trauma and how it affected people and their relationship with God.

• Joseph was sold into slavery.
• Moses was born to a people in slavery.
• David was a hunted man for years.
• Bathsheba was r***d and widowed.
• Jeremiah was wrongly imprisoned.

They had big questions. They were shaped by those traumas.
But note that God took each of those stories of trauma and miraculously brought good out of it – for both the individual involved, and for many others.

Joseph’s betrayal by his brothers resulted in him becoming prime minister of Egypt – and saving his whole family line.

Moses’ heritage of slavery was the fuel God needed to use him in delivering Israel from Egypt.

The years David was running from Saul formed him into the king he became.

Bathsheba subsequently became queen mother of Solomon and an ancestor of Jesus.

And Jeremiah’s ministry even in prison became pivotal to God’s people then and still is to us today.

This is no spiritual bypass. This is not saying, “It’s no big deal; pray and God will fix it.”

There’s plenty of evil in our world, and God grieves with each one who is traumatized as a result. But His miraculous power takes even, perhaps especially, our trauma and turns it into meaning and value. That process is often long and hard, but it becomes priceless.

Your very trauma can become the keystone to your next step in spiritual formation.

What do You do Next?

You didn’t choose your trauma. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. And in addition, you may also be experiencing the results of the unhealthy choices you made on your own. But regardless of where you came from, dealing with it now is your responsibility. That may not be fair! You may have been deeply harmed. But what you do about it now is up to you.

Someone asked me this week, “I’ve done some dedicated work to heal from the trauma I experienced. But are you ever done? How do you know if you’re finished?”

I responded with what I would say to you now. Whatever work you have already done, the healing and growth you’ve experienced, is real. Be grateful! And, if there are places in you that feel undone, old stuff that keeps triggering you, behavior patterns you struggle to get out of, there’s more goodness yet for you to embrace.

Your very wrestling with the question is almost certainly the Holy Spirit pulling on your heart and saying, “It’s time for another round of healing and growth.”

God is extremely patient. The fact that you aren’t “done” yet is no problem for Him at all. It takes as long as it takes. But He’s also relentless. The Hound of Heaven. He will keep inviting you to another level of becoming, a deeper dimension of healing, a more integrated measure of transformation into the likeness of Jesus.

Healing of Trauma in Spiritual Formation

If you’re still reading this, there’s a good chance God is inviting you into another level of healing and transformation. How do you do that?

You cannot heal yourself. But you can – and must – choose healing. You choose to keep putting yourself in places where Jesus shows up so He can do His work in you. And when He brings something into the light and says, “Let’s deal with this,” you say “Yes.”

To get one step more granular, this almost always looks like:

• Being honest with yourself. Looking under the surface. Choosing to “go there,” to deal with what you don’t want to deal with.
• Letting someone else see you, really and truly letting the walls down.
• Bringing Jesus into the middle of it. No spiritual Band-Aids, no rushing past the hard stuff, but laying it all open before Him and letting Him do His work.

Bringing the hard stuff into the light disinfects the shame.

Experiencing someone else truly seeing you and not leaving the room – that begins to heal the pathways in your brain. And bringing Jesus into the middle of it – well, everything changes when Jesus shows up.

And things will change in your story too when He shows up there.
But He usually doesn’t come unbidden. You must open the door.

A Place of Transformation

If you’ve got some “stuff” that keeps messing with your relationships, your heart, your peace, this just might be the step Jesus would have you take to experience more freedom, healing, and transformation than you might believe is even possible.

Your Turn:
• Can you see how unfinished “stuff” is keeping you from the healing and spiritual formation you truly desire?
• What piece are you struggling to find resolution for?
• You didn’t wake up one day and decide to have issues. You didn’t choose your trauma. But now dealing with those issues is your responsibility.
• Trauma – little or big – is always a factor in our spiritual formation.

You didn’t choose your trauma. But now dealing with those issues is your responsibility. Trauma is always a factor in our spiritual formation.

02/04/2026

DO NOT CELEBRATE THE PAGAN DARK RITUAL EASTER!!

The Almighty hates these pagan rituals and commanded that we do not participate in these traditions of man.

DID YOU KNOW? Thousands of years ago, as sun worship (Baal worship) increased, so did the worship of his wife, the "Queen of Heaven", Easter. ISHTAR a Pagan Babylonian deity representing fertility and s*xuality. Fertility goddess.

We are told through Babylonian legend that every year on "Easter Sunday" at sunrise, the priests of Easter would impregnate young virgins on the altar of Baal (Satan).

Then, the next year, they would take the now three month old babies and sacrifice them on the altar on Easter Sunday at the sunrise service.

They would then take the eggs of Easter and dye the eggs in the blood of the sacrificed infants.

The facts are that virtually everything that is associated with Easter can be traced back to pagan ritualistic ceremonies that Yahweh hated!

How do you think the Almighty feels looking down from Heaven and seeing us celebrate a day with the name of a pagan goddess, passing out stuffed Easter bunnies to the children that are picking up dyed Easter eggs, eating Easter ham on Easter Sunday morning while we attend Easter sunrise services on the exact same day that all of the sun-worshippers did for thousands of years!?

The early Set-Apart kept believers kept Passover for almost hundred of years until Easter was formally adopted by the Roman's and introduced Christianity through Constantine. Passover was then outlawed by Constantine in 325 A.D. ‎

02/04/2026

01/04/2026

Link to Passover article - https://kanaanministries.org/kanaan_downloads_restoration_bride_messiah/download-info/5786-passover-2026/

27/03/2026

𝙄𝙨 𝙀𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙖 𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙃𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙙𝙖𝙮?

The word Easter is derived from the Old English word "Eastre," which is a reference to the spring goddess Eostre. This goddess is known by various names in diverse cultures as Ostara, Ishtar, Semiramis, or Astarte. She is better known as the Queen of Heaven.

The spring goddess is worshipped by pagans on or near the Spring or Vernal Equinox. The concept of Easter dates back to the Babylonian Mystery religions during the time of Babel when Ni**od, Semiramis, and Tammuz represented the first unholy trinity. Semiramis deified herself as the Queen of Heaven. Her son Tammuz was considered the reincarnation of his father Ni**od and was worshipped as the Sun god and the Savior. This is the root of Madona and son worship. Sunday was designated as the day to worship the sun god, in contrast to the Hebrews who worshipped on Saturday the sabbath.

𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙛 𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙚𝙜𝙜𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙪𝙣𝙣𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙩 𝙀𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧?
𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮 𝙖 𝙗𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙛 𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙮??

No! Eggs and bunnies represent fertility. Fertility rites are part of pagan Spring Equinox rituals and are unrelated to Biblical Christianity. In many pagan cultures, eggs are considered sacred, and it was believed that the spring goddess Astarte was birthed from an egg. During the ritual celebration of spring, painted eggs were symbols of worship to the spring goddess.

The Resurrection of Jesus Christ was not on Easter Sunday! It was during the feast of Passover, which moves each year on the calendar based upon lunar cycles. This year Easter falls on March 31st, but Passover Eve begins on April 22nd and goes through April 29th. In Exodus 12:24 we are instructed to keep the Passover permanently as a statute of worship to the Holy One of Israel.

𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙚𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙢 𝙖𝙩 𝙀𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧?

Tammuz was killed by a wild boar. To commemorate his death, pagans eat ham. Tammuz lived forty years, which is commemorated by the tradition of observing forty days of Lent. The season of Lent is a pagan holiday that is not something Jesus or his early apostles celebrated.

𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙩 𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙨 𝙗𝙪𝙣𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙀𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧?

This tradition dates back to the Babylonian Mystery Religions when women made cakes as offerings to the Queen of Heaven. (See Jeremiah 7:18; 44:17-25.)

For a more thorough understanding of the pagan origins of Easter - "The Truth About Easter and the Birth and Death of Jesus" by Pastor David Middleton.

During this spring season, let us return to our Biblical roots and celebrate the sacrifice of our Passover Lamb and the First Fruits of Salvation through the miraculous resurrection of Jesus Christ during Passover.

23/03/2026

Want Intimacy? You Need Honesty as a Foundation

https://www.drcarolministries.com/want-intimacy-you-need-honesty-as-a-foundation/

God created you with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy. That’s a core part of what you were looking for when you said “I do”. If you’re experiencing intimacy – physically, emotionally, spiritually – you are experiencing life. If you’re not, it probably feels more like death. But intimacy doesn’t just happen, and it’s not the same as s*x! If you want to get to intimacy, you need to start with honesty as a foundation

Over the next few articles we’re going to talk about the journey to healthy intimacy in marriage. This applies if you’re dating and contemplating possible marriage, if the intimacy you and your spouse had has been shattered by broken trust, or if there’s no intimacy at all between you even after many years of marriage.
A word about intimacy and s*x; s*x without intimacy is not life-giving. Taking the clothes off your body will not result in intimacy if there are still coverings over your heart. If trust has been broken, pushing for s*x may often be counterproductive to intimacy. Regardless of whether you crave s*x or hate it, learning about the journey to healthy intimacy will open the door to healing and transformation.

And the journey to intimacy begins with honesty.

We as humans have become so good at hiding and lying that we can become confused about what is real. I’m not talking about propositional truth such as the truth that God is real, but the truth about you and the world around you. David prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” (Psalm 139:23) That’s honesty.

True relationship begins with honesty as a foundation – first with yourself, and then with each other.

Honest with Yourself

Most of us struggle to tell ourselves the truth. It feels easier and safer to accept as real what others perceive us to be. Or to ignore the truth about ourselves because it’s painful. But that ends up being very unsatisfying. Something inside you longs for authenticity.

For some, you’ve lived behind a mask, or lived someone else’s life, for so long that you don’t even really know who you are. Your spouse may say things are fine, so maybe things truly are OK. You struggle to even know what you think or feel.

For others, you’ve long blamed someone else (your spouse) for how you feel and never owned your reactions as your own. You’ve never intentionally looked under the surface of your anger or fear or frustration enough to understand your body and emotions.

Being honest with yourself means you’ve examined your personal story with enough honesty and compassion to understand how it’s impacting you today. (Our Sexpectations course helps you do this specifically in relation to your s*xual story.) Honesty means you become able to name your feelings without letting them sit in the driver’s seat, and you embrace ownership of your own heart, mind, and body. And it means you can see your partner for who they really are, good, bad, and sometimes partly ugly.

The Holy Spirit will not stop His work in you as long as you give Him opportunity. Regularly through your Christian life He will pull something from your heart up into the light and ask you to allow Him to change you. Being honest with yourself includes allowing Him to show you where you need to change, and to do your own work of growth and healing.

Honest with Your Spouse

If you are only showing a mask to your partner you’re always left wondering, “What would they think of me if they knew the real me?” At some point that kind of relationship will break down.
Once you’re honest with yourself you can start to become honest with your spouse. This is more than the words you say; it’s being truly present when you interact. Your real self is here, aware of where your own heart is and choosing a posture of openness.

Honesty includes being assertive (not aggressive), intentionally and proactively communicating with your spouse where you are, your needs and emotions, and what you are experiencing from them. You refuse to pretend you feel safe when you don’t. This is not demanding your spouse do something; it’s becoming able to tell the truth.

Becoming honest with your spouse usually involves setting healthy boundaries. This has nothing to do with punishment; you’ve let that go. Boundaries are in the service of making further relationship possible. “I shut down inside when you yell, so if you begin to yell I’m going to leave the room.” Or, “I’m willing to answer your questions, but I cannot be honest with you right now in front of the kids. I’m asking that you save your questions until we are alone and I’ll answer you then.”

Intimacy cannot happen without honesty. Being honest with your spouse is not for the purpose of hurting them; it’s for the purpose of making safety, connection, trust, and eventual real intimacy possible.

A Pattern of Honesty

A relationship cannot progress in a healthy way without honesty as a foundation. You and your spouse may not be at the same place right now, but both of you will need to commit to honesty before anything like intimacy can develop. Being honest with yourself and with your partner may be painful in many ways, but you have to start here.

If you’ve developed a long pattern of hiding, avoidance, and conflict, lobbing virtual hand grenades at each other from across the room, growing a new pattern of honesty will feel awkward and difficult. You may need some outside help to do so, and that’s OK. Don’t expect this to be quick or easy.

But the impact of honesty can significantly change things both for you and for your marriage. It’s like the “Your Location” pin on a digital map; it’s a starting place so that you can begin to grow toward the marriage you desire and that God wants for you.

A pattern of honesty is part of developing safety. That’s for next time.

Your Turn:
How honest are you with yourself?
How honest are you with your spouse?
What is your emotional reaction to the idea of becoming honest?

Honesty is the foundation for a relationship of intimacy. It all starts with being honest with yourself, and then with your spouse.