01/18/2023
Journey Through Faith by Reason
My journey to and from agnostic/atheism, to theism, and back to a certain kind of Christianity.
Growing up in a protestant home, but not very strict or regular with church, I had some space to form my own opinions, while still having a flavor of the spirit of Protestantism/Christianity. My mom did a good job emphasizing the spirit of the message, not the letter, as she had her own conflicts with the church itself. The spirit of Jesus was sort've the law of the land, and because there were no draconian rules about it, it left a very positive impression looking back, in a now godless and hopeless world.
However, times were tough, and as a teen, life and suffering didn't make sense. I started reading more to understand the world and by 17, upon reading about the enlightenment era, started to doubt my faith, and soon after considered myself agnostic.
This continued for several years, and I deepened my identity as an agnostic, debating Christians when I could. I was still interested in paranormal phenomena though, and because of that I never strayed to atheism or believing in physicalism. In fact, it was this re****ed belief that pushed me away from the godless camp. Their reasoning was twisted, and it seemed to be moreso based in bitterness than genuine curiosity for the truth. Additionally, it was clear to see the differences between the lives of atheists and everyone else. There was usually something wrong with atheists, baggage or whatever, that pushed them to come to such a conclusion. So, I was already primed to be more receptive to come out of that camp, when I watched an apologetics debate. It was William Lane Craig vs Bart Ehrman, and I only saw the first part, arguing for theism. I thought WLC made great arguments, and knowing theists actually used reason to come to their conclusions, and not just the Bible, was appealing to me. I didn't know much of Bart at the time, but I did know he was an atheist, and he looked dead inside. I later found him to be a great resource, but it still confirmed what I thought, that atheists are fundamentally broken and bitter, and their beliefs stem from this.
At that point I was fine with calling myself a theist or spiritual, but I wasn't ready to jump back to Christianity. That debate I saw was in two parts, first for theism, then the second part to show Christianity is the right God. The second part I knew was more tenuous, but those two parts had to be distinguished - much easier to support the first part.
For a few years then I chewed on these ideas and felt pulled back to Christianity in some way, but not in its conventional way. In order to come back, there were problems with the Bible that had to be reconciled. Foremost was the issue of hell - basically, it made no sense. Something would have had to have been mistranslated or misunderstood, as from the beginning for me, this idea pushed me away and seemed nonsensical. While punishment alone didn't seem unbelievable, conscious torment for eternity seemed like just about the most petty being imaginable, while we're supposed to understand God as love, as stated in the Bible. For years then, i felt a pull to Christianity, as something that's true on some level, but must be false on another.
My journey back then centered around the issue of hell, since itself is sort've the basis of the faith. Predictably I found refuge in universalism, the idea that hell is misunderstood, but this all seemed like a little loophole to make the larger faith work. If the faith is completely wrong in its foundational concept, what's to be said of the rest of its doctrines? And what's to be said of this God, that would have allowed such large and impactful deviations from the original message?
Universalism just opens up more problems than it solves. For the truly curious, universalism just puts you down a rabbit hole. At the same time, should we dismiss the whole Bible? That's throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and not a mature way to understand things. Especially when we consider, there are parallels between Christ's teachings and other enlightened beings or phenomena, like the Buddha, or NDEs, or drug trips.
Theologically speaking, the most mature take I've currently come to, is viewing the Bible in realistic terms that allows for its criticism. That is, that Jesus existed, and there was something remarkable about him, but that the Bible isn't infallible, as it was written by men and compiled hundreds of years later. It's a huge leap to think of it as the infallible word of God. It's also important to remind adherents, Protestants really, that they basically believe in Bible-anity, not Christianity. We don't even know exactly what Christ said, since we weren't there. We can only hope we have a fairly accurate summary of it.
Theologically then, I'm more in line with Unitarian universalists, like our founders. The problem is, the UU churches don't even know what to preach. If you've ever seen a service, it's kinda pathetic, and devolves into liberal humanism usually. There then becomes a case to make, if you feel pulled by the figure of Jesus yet, to attend traditional churches. While they're theologically off, they have retained the spirit of it, or at least allowed potential for its members to retain it, by literally believing it all.
Without believing the Bible to be all true, it would fall away in one generation. It's necessary out of pragmatism for churches to maintain a stance of biblical infallibility. It's only through this fundamentalist worldview prevailing until now that an option for the lesser stance of, fallible but containing some truth, is available to us. Through this understanding, it could make sense that the theologically wrong yet prevailing view of the Bible actually was guided by God/Holy Spirit, adapting to the faults of man, knowing that without it, the whole thing will fall away. The fundamentalism then is like a tough outer shell "vehicle" to transmit the inner fruit to those who wish to break the shell and find it. At the same time, not everyone has to, as the prevailing understanding does just fine for most people's limited ability to understand.
I was told in science class that the way they teach the orbit of electrons to freshmen isn't even the truth. You later find it's an oversimplification to convey a broader point. I think that's basically the case here.
What then does someone like us do then, who are disillusioned with the conventional narrative, but feel compelled to the core truth in the Bible? A post on that soon...
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