05/02/2020
Life has been far from normal, ever since the pandemic made us all adjust to stay-at-home orders, and kitchens (or laundry rooms) have become home offices and classrooms. At times, anxiety has gripped many of us by the throat, and it has been tough to function as we usually would. As a result, most of us have had times when we just haven’t coped as well as we would have liked. Change and stress often reveal sides of ourselves we have not previously seen. Lately, I have been considering Sheryl Sandberg’s insightful statement: “We cannot change what we are not aware of and once we are aware we cannot help but change.” There is much wisdom and truth to Sandberg’s statement. We must be aware of an issue before we will ever begin to change. And while I agree that once we are aware, we may want to change, change is not always automatic. In fact, it can be difficult and frustrating, and at times feel like we take two steps forward and one step back. Now we have the struggle of knowing we need to change, but not being successful in changing. What do we do?
First of all, take a deep breath. You are not the only one who struggles in making lasting changes. You have probably heard that it takes at least 21 days to develop a new habit. This means it takes daily repetition to reinforce whatever changes you are choosing to make. And you may occasionally fail. If you do, give yourself some grace. All too often, we focus on our shortcomings to the exclusion of our successes, but whatever we focus on grows. Acknowledge the times you were successful, forgive yourself for your apparent slip-up, and choose again to move forward toward your goal. If you are too hard on yourself, you are moving into the arena of self-criticism. Self-criticism only adds more emotional mud that you have to slog through to get to your goal. In other words, don’t should on yourself! You know what I mean: “I should work out more”, “I should stop over eating”, “I should stop spending so much time on social media”, and so on. Our internal voice can become such a loud, incessant nag that it is not only emotionally hurtful, it can actually hinder us from reaching our goals. You’re operating out of a space of negativity, criticism and lack vs. a space of positivity, love, and choice.
What if instead, you chose to make conscious, intentional statements about your goals? What if, rather than telling yourself “I should stop eating junk food” you said, “because I value my body, I am going to choose to eat more healthy foods”? What if, instead of “I should exercise today” you said, “I feel better when I exercise so I’m going to take a walk”? In each example, the goal is the same, but one comes from a voice of nagging and perhaps even punishment, while the other from a place of self-respect and self-caring. Personally, I do better when I am moving towards something hopeful and good, rather than punishing myself. Life is challenging enough, please be kind to yourself.
Next time, I will discuss the actual steps to change. If you would like to discuss any of this with me, I can be reached at: [email protected].
