This was a defining moment in my life, that deserves to be shared…
On Sunday the 31st of May, I went to service at Elevate Church in Murphy, Texas to witness the baptism of my sons (at my wife’s request). It was her birthday and she said it was important to the boys, so I reluctantly agreed. They’ve been going for a little over a year now, after my wife had changed churches a few times to the chu
rch that fit her and the boys’ needs. She really seems to enjoy the atmosphere, the people, and the way the pastor gives sermon. I didn’t have a religious belief or upbringing, but respect my wife’s wish to make the decision she feels fit for the boys until they’re old enough to make their own. I’ve always believed there’s a “higher power” but have never accepted that control of my life is in the hands of anyone but myself. Although I’ve seen circumstances that didn’t make sense, like when things seem to “go my way” and come upon the answer to a problem without knowing how to find it. I’m not superstitious, and I DON’T gamble, or play the lottery for this reason. I’ve always believed what I was told as a child, which was “you can be anything you want to be, as long as you work for it.”
A few “unusual” events occurred that morning at the church. I went to the car to retrieve my son’s backpack with their towels, expecting my wife to meet me in the lobby after she walked the boys back to the City Kids area. I’m sometimes uncomfortable in an environment if I’m unfamiliar with the room, am alone, and have no one to talk to (most of the people around me were in conversation, and I was tired and nervous). I’m sure the fear stems from some childhood memory of being lost in a crowd, since I was known to wander off when I was very young. I don’t usually go to conventions or movies alone, so it’s not usually a problem for me. However, after a few minutes I experienced what I thought was a panic attack, especially after my wife answered neither text or call, or even an instant message on Facebook (you know, the one that makes your phone go DING!) It became difficult to breathe or speak, and I felt as if almost everyone around was scrutinizing me, although I now realize this wasn’t the case. As the room began to empty, I stood there, frozen to the spot until I finally found the nerve to make my way outside. I still felt like a “fish out of water”, gasping for air, and trembling, unable to speak. This had NEVER happened to me before. I almost had decided to leave my family at church, and wait at home for them to call to be picked up after service. I had the keys, but knew how important it was to my wife on her birthday. As I stood there waiting, she came outside and took me in to the auditorium for service. I told her that I needed “her to get through this” and she misunderstood, smiling and said it wouldn’t be an issue for her. I restated that I needed “for her to get ME through this” and she saw the fear in my eyes, but still didn’t seem to understand. I am very independent, and usually don’t ask for help, so I don’t think she knew what I was saying was… I wanted to run. I wanted to get away. I wanted to be alone. I wanted nothing to do with this. She felt the power and strength, but I did not. I continued to stay by her side through the service, reluctantly taking my son to the restroom (but at least not alone). I was still having the attack, but was able to listen to the pastor when I returned. He was quoting Romans and telling the congregation about the call of God. Repeatedly he discussed that baptism is the difference between hearing the call and putting your faith in Jesus, and I was terrified! It felt as though he was talking directly to me, and he knew I was fighting against the call. He asked for anyone who wished to step forward a few times, and continued. The he stopped, looked directly at me, and asked again. I thought somehow he understood what I was experiencing, and was trying to let me through the barriers I had built between Jesus and me. He even talked about something I falsely believed, which was that you have to be worthy of Jesus. He said “God doesn’t call the Qualified, he qualifies the Called.” But I wasn’t ready, and didn’t want to hear. I followed my wife (by the arm) outside and was separated again. This time it was because I was afraid. I told her I didn’t want to “be pressured” into baptism, explaining my unguided baptism at an early age. I had actually been pushed by other children into the water as I was trying to decide my faith. Instead, I stood as close as I could muster, trembling, unable to breathe. I couldn’t believe that my wife was leaving me like this, but SHE COULD HEAR THE CALL TOO and wanted to be a part of my sons’ religious growth. After both my sons had their sins washed away I remember handing my wife the backpack, and almost running to the car. I blacked out until she opened the door and drove us home. I barely remember the drive home, or what happened after we arrived. The one thing that I really remember was my wife saying that she thought the “panic attack” was me fighting the call of Jesus. I didn’t even wake up until after 2:00 pm on Monday, (except a short time awake that I worked on a project for my job late at night). However, Monday I realized something had happened while I was sleeping. The final blockades have been removed. I hear the call of God and am ready to accept Jesus as my savior. I realized that I was using excuses and lies to fool myself and others, such as “religion was for the weak minded” or for those “without the courage to accept consequences”. I realized that the important thing that fills the gap I’ve always felt in my life is Jesus. The reason things have never been enough, or the right way, or I’ve felt that there’s just something that I’m MISSING is because I haven’t opened my heart to the one who cares about me most. As I write this, I wonder what will change for me, other than the realization that life isn’t all there is. Like I’ve said, I’ve always known there’s a higher power. Many people ask "What is the Meaning of Life?" But the real question is, WHAT PATH DOES GOD WANT ME TO TAKE? How can I best serve and show my appreciation to Jesus? I was given gifts and need to find a way to repay what I’ve always taken for granted. Funny how many people ask this question, when the answer has always been given to them – SERVING GOD THROUGH THE WORD OF JESUS IS THE MEANING OF LIFE. I hope that my testimony is looked upon as the start of a change in my life, and the difference it made. — feeling blessed.
