11/01/2026
The pain
The pain seems louder than any noise I've ever heard
Not the physical pain of a broken bone, dislocation, burn or a cut
Those wounds heal so quickly there's barely a memory to how or when the scar may have come from
The loudest pain is the pain of burying a friend, a close relative, a sister or a parent
The pain of returning to a sin long thought beaten and gone for good
The pain of knowing things said broke someone's heart
And knowing at the time it actually had nothing to do with them
They were the easy outlet for a built up pain I wasn't mature enough to process
No excuses offered
Sometimes I was given the opportunity to make amends
Sometimes not
Sometimes my ego blocked even that
The loudest pain for me is grief
Therapist said its complex or complicated grief
Not sure I fully understand that
Guess I'll take their word for it
He explained the stages of grief
And for some circumstances they made total sense
For others I just can't connect the dots yet
I may live the rest of my life not fully processing some losses
Maybe I'll remain in denial or the bargaining stages
I do know it'll be a crutch to hold me there or a driver to push me through to another level
Been through a lot
Not sure even I realize how much
The brain has a funny way of blocking things out it can't process
And the body has a way of storing it in places we don't often pay much attention to
That constant ache that can't be diagnosed as a specific ailment
Maybe it is unprocessed emotion locked up
The pain of not knowing it was the last time I would see someone and the regret of not telling them how much they truly meant to me
I don't know if I'll ever really be able to put the words out there, spoken or written down
Often I get accused of being cold
Maybe I just haven't had the opportunity to truly be safe enough to open up
The senses sometimes get overwhelmed and I may shut down and shut people out
It's not my intention to hurt anyone
Some know me well enough to know to not push
Some know a version that I want them to see
No one even me knows me completely
The beauty in all that pain is I can see it in others even if they themselves aren't aware consciously that it's there
I can hear the waver in their voice, I can see the tear well up in the corner of their eye when they search for the words to express their pain
I guess God does use all we go through for His glory after all
I see God in a lot of places that maybe others don't
I see His protection even in the midst of chaos and the pain
He's saved me for a purpose
I may never know what that purpose is or was until I see Him face to face
In spite of my many sins and short comings
Have I served Him well
Have I shown His light to others well enough for them to search for Him as well
Will any of us really know the impact we've had on others until we reach the narrow gate to heaven
The pain doesn't really outweigh His providence, protection or His glory
It's just a piece of a bigger picture that no one sees until we meet Him at the gate
