02/14/2022
Intimacy Exercises For Couples: 7 Ways To Build Feelings Of Connection, Trust And Love
Updated February 18, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC
More than anything, we desire relationships where we feel safe, loved and cared for. We desire to have someone who we can share our souls with, even the messy parts. That's why intimacy is the foundation of a relationship. Without intimacy, your partner would just be someone you see often, like a coworker.
Intimacy is a feeling of closeness. It's knowing that you can confide in that person. This article explores intimacy exercises for couples. You'll learn to build both physical and emotional intimacy. Whether you're feeling no intimacy in marriage or you're building intimacy for the first time with your partner, these exercises can help you rekindle those feelings of connection, love and trust.
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Even though these intimacy exercises are for couples, you can use them in the other meaningful relationships in your life too. You don't have to feel a lack of intimacy anymore.
Get familiar with your partner's love language
Designed by Dr. Gary Chapman, the 5 Love Languages are ways people show and desire love and affection. Dr. Chapman noticed love languages after the same problems kept cropping up in his practice. One partner would express a lack of intimacy and the other partner felt they'd done everything in their power to show intimacy.
How can one person feel unloved while the other person feels like they're pouring their heart out? The explanation: both partners had a different default love language. So what are the love languages?
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Let's say one partner's love language is physical touch, while the other person's is words of affirmation. This couple has great intimate s*xuality. They hold hands under the dinner table, cuddle when they watch a movie and have s*x often. The person whose love language is physical touch will feel satisfied with their intimacy as a couple. But the other partner won't. Their need for affirmations isn't being met.
The first partner might feel they're doing everything in their power to love the other person. Yet, they're satisfying their own love language, not the other person's. For the other partner to feel as loved, they would need to hear words of affirmation often. How often is dependent on the person.
Often, the problem is that we show love with our preferred love language. Instead, we should try to show love in the way that the other person likes to receive it. Dr. Gary Chapman has a quiz to help you figure out what your love language is and what your partner's is. Once you get a hang of it though, you'll start noticing what love language the people around you are using.
Once you figure out your partner's love language (or their top two), you can start changing the way you display affection to them. Yet, you should also consider taking a well-rounded approach. People's preferences can change as they change, and intimacy isn't a one trick pony. We'll go over intimacy exercises for couples in all five areas. First up, acts of service.
Acts of Service
This love language is all about giving your time to someone else. These are the people who sometimes forget to take care of themselves. They focus on others instead. That's why giving to them can be so meaningful. They're often the ones who take the role of caretaker, so they appreciate when other people take care of them.
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Here's a few acts of services you can do for someone with this love language:
make dinner
help them finish a project that's been weighing on them
clean up
run errands for them
prepare a bath
do something for them that they don't enjoy doing
These are only a few examples of how you can show intimacy in marriage or a relationship. Everyone is different. Ask the person what would make them feel loved. Keep in mind that if this person hates taking out the trash and you agree to do it, you must follow through. It's called acts of service for a reason. You must take action and do what you say you're going to do.
Also, you can combine love languages. This is useful if your partner has two prominent love languages or if you're trying to be well-rounded in your intimacy. Making dinner is both an act of service and quality time if you give them your full attention throughout the meal. Giving a massage satisfies both an act of service and physical touch. Saying you'll do something because you love someone is words of affirmation. And once you do it, that's an act of service.
Get creative and figure out what your partner enjoys and watch how they give you love. That can be a big clue as about they like to receive love.
Quality Time
This one can be tricky. What you might consider quality time might not resonate with your partner. For example, you might equate gardening with quality time. While your partner might see it as an unpleasant chore.
Sometimes you'll have to compromise. You'll have to give your partner quality time doing things you don't like as much as they do.
Quality time doesn't always have to be interactive either. You might both enjoy reading a book side by side or watching the sunset in silence. It depends on the person. Some people might consider watching T.V. quality time, while the other person prefers your full attention during quality time.
With that in mind, here's some quality time inspiration:
having dinner together with no distractions
going for a hike or nature walk
talking about your dreams and fears
watching your favorite show together
going on a weekend vacation
stargazing
dancing in the kitchen
having a picnic
go to a painting/pottery/crafts class together
Quality time tends to be doing something your partner enjoys, free from distractions. If you have an extroverted partner, they might count going to the bar with friends as quality time. If this is your partner's love language, and you still have a lack of intimacy, ask them about it. Are your needs being met? Have you asked them about their needs?
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Physical Touch
We've arrived at the mysterious intimate s*xuality. While physical touch isn't all about s*x, it is part of it. Many people have felt shame around s*x. So it can be a sensitive topic. It could be shame from cultural expectations, religious upbringing or specific events.
If you've experienced trauma or shame around s*x, it's important to work through those feelings. You might be able to do so with your partner, but it can also be a good idea to include the help of a licensed therapist. ReGain is a convenient place you can start. An online relationship counseling platform with licensed and experienced psychologists, counselors, therapists and social workers to help you, Regain offers both individual and couples counseling. You'll be able to find a specialist who fits your needs and meet with them from the comfort of your own home.
Even if you aren't s*xually active with your partner, here's an exercise to keep the chemistry strong. Erika Boissiere says to create a "culture of touch." When you do this, you meet that person's need for touch and it can get you in the mindset of thinking about positive touch. (It can get you in the mood too.)
Here's some simple things to do to maintain a "culture of touch:"
snuggle/cuddle
hold hands
kiss
long hugs
back massage
back scratch
scalp massage
You can also use physical touch in your platonic relationships. It might seem weird, but people often do feel more connected to people they touch. You'll notice this if you've ever watched Oprah or Q***r Eye. They hug guests on the show, put a hand on their knee and listen closely to what they have to say. By the end of the episode, they've poured out their heart and feel intimately connected to the people they just met. Remember to ask for consent before you touch someone.
Physical intimacy isn't only the physical acts themselves. You must communicate your desires and ask about theirs. More on this later.
Receiving Gifts
This love language comes with the most negative connotations. For that reason, it's important not to condemn your partner if this is their love language.
It might be that they have fond memories of opening presents on holidays growing up. It might be that they enjoy surprises. For a person who enjoys receiving gifts, that doesn't always mean it has to be material things. They might enjoy receiving tickets to their favorite band. Or love receiving art from their children. You could get them a reoccurring box service. If they love to cook, you could get them a meal box that comes with the recipe and all the ingredients they need to make it.
Here are a few more gift ideas to consider:
handmade items (painting, knitted scarf, letters, etc.)
flowers
experience gifts (escape room, going out for dinner, etc.)
they're favorite dessert
things they collect (stamps, buttons, ceramic cows, etc.)
As with any love language, ask what they'd like to receive and watch how they show love to others. You'll gain insights into what they like and want.
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Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are a way to express your praise, appreciation, affection and gratitude for someone with words. A big example might be your wedding vows. They often contain what you like about your partner and your promises to them.
Weddings are full of examples of love languages in action:
first look = quality time
first dance = physical touch
cutting the cake = act of service
vows = words of affirmation
rings = gift
The list goes on. This could be why people often say their wedding day was the best day of their life. Love, connection and intimacy are at the center of the wedding day. Sometimes people forget to keep that love going for the entire marriage.
To have intimacy in marriage, start incorporating one act of love each day. If your partner's love language is words of affirmation, try these:
handwritten letters and cards
the classic, "I love you"
saying "I'm grateful for you because…"
renewing your wedding vows
complimenting their achievements
saying, "I love when you…"
or, "Thank you for…."
Words of affirmation can be about your partner's physical appearance if that's what they like, but they shouldn't be all about that. Your partner will appreciate it if you give them more in-depth praise and compliments. If you admire their quirky interests or share specific examples of what you appreciate about them, it'll be more meaningful.
Again, these are just ideas to springboard you into intimate conversation. Intimate couples know that person they married will change over time. We never fully know ourselves or each other. So be flexible. What might have made them feel loved at one point can change. Someone can become desensitized to "I love you" and take it for granted.
That's where the next intimacy exercises come in. They're centered on communication.
Learn how to communicate well
Even if you know your partner's love language and you're doing things from the list of exercises, it can still fall short. That's why communication is key. If the expressions of love are insincere or forced, it won't work.
Be sure to express concerns with your partner. And be open to their concerns too. They're not telling you to hurt your feelings. They're telling you so that your relationship can improve and grow. Encourage that! This next exercise will help you create a framework for these discussions.
Dialoguing
Formulated by Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD. and Harville Hendrix, PhD, dialoguing is a structured conversation with clear rules. It makes tough conversations easier because it's clear whose turn it is to talk. This is vital for intimate couples because it makes you both feel heard and seen.
It's also helpful because it's harder to have a misunderstanding. You'll see as we go through the five-step process. You might choose to dialogue if you had a big argument or if you have the same fights repeatedly. Once you get used to it, you'll find that you want to dialogue before an argument even happens.
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Step one: Ask to dialogue. Once you or your partner ask to dialogue, it's important to either have the dialogue in that moment or set a specific time that you will dialogue. Keep in mind that this can be a lengthy process, but it can be the difference between a happy intimate relationship and one that isn't.
Step two: Choose who will talk first. Usually whoever has their thoughts collected the most will volunteer. Or you can decide that whoever asks to dialogue always gets to talk first. Whatever works for you. It doesn't matter because this process makes sure you both get equal time.
If your partner is going first, your job is to listen without interrupting them. Be compassionate and try not reacting to their words. Just listen. Allow them to keep going until they say they're finished. If they look like they're pausing to add more, be patient. If they forget to say, "that's all" or let you know they're finished, you can ask, "Is there more?" Otherwise, keep listening until they're ready to stop.
Step three: Repeat back everything they said. Don't add your own commentary, just summarize what they said. This step is critical because you might have misconstrued something. Instead of misunderstanding and holding a grudge, you'll get clarity on what they meant. You'll have a turn to respond soon. Once you've relayed everything you remember, say, "Did I miss anything?"
Step four: Your partner will add to or change what you said in your recap. Then you repeat it back to them one or two more times until you're both on the same page. When there's no more to repeat, ask, "Is there more?" If they say no, move to step five. If they say yes, listen and repeat these last comments and move to step five.
Step five: Now it's your turn to speak your mind. Repeat steps one through five, except now it's your turn to talk and their turn to listen. You can respond to things your partner said. Or you can add any details you thought were important about the situation that your partner didn't address. There's no time limit. Say everything you need to say. Once you're finished, let your partner know by saying "that's all" or something to that effect.
You can cycle through the steps as many times as necessary. Make sure that you switch whose turn it is to speak each time through. Sometimes all you both needed was to feel understood. Being heard and getting someone's undivided attention is hard to come by in our distracted world. Other times, you'll come to a solution through sharing your suggestions in this non-judgmental framework.
Dialogues take longer than a regular discussion or disagreement, but they get to the core of the problem by helping both of you understand the other's point of view. This will save you time in the long run because you won't have the same fights repeatedly. If you don't have time for a full dialogue when the argument happens, set a specific time when you do.
Big Talk
Inspired by her desire to meet new people and have meaningful conversations, Kalina Silverman started a movement. She began meeting strangers and skipping the small talk. Instead of asking them about the weather, she went straight for what she calls "Big Talk." She asked, "What would you like to do before you die?"
This one question alone led her to deep and personal conversations. Strangers shared their dreams and fears. They told her things they may not have told some of their closest friends because she had the courage to ask one question. And just as important, she listened.
On her website and in the Make Big Talk community, you can find a lot of big talk questions. Even if you've already gone through the entire list of questions, do it again every few years. You might be surprised by what's changed about you or your partner.
Here are a few of them:
Where do you want to be in 5 years?
If money wasn't an object, what would you do?
What's your biggest fear?
How are you reallydoing today?
These questions can uncover relationship problems you may not have recognized before. Talking about them is the first step to taking action and making things better. Even if no red flags come up in these conversations, you'll feel closer to each other. Intimate couples know how to listen and make the other person feel heard.
Intimacy Exercises for Couples Recap
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Relationships take time and effort. Intimacy takes time to be built and rebuilt. Here is the list of exercises again to boost your intimacy:
Observe how your partner gives love and replicate what you see
Talk to each other about your love languages and what makes you feel loved
Do one thing every day to show your love based on their love language(s)
Incorporate acts from all five love languages to add depth
Set times to dialogue when conflicts arise
Make time for deep discussions about your fears, dreams and desires
Ask deep questions you've already asked your partner every few years to see what's changed
We are never finished learning and growing. And neither are the people in our lives. Welcome and respect that change by checking in with them. What may have worked to grow your intimacy at one point, may not be enough now. People aren't static, so your relationship shouldn't be either. Use these suggestions to incorporate deeper communication, love languages and surprises into your life. You'll have more intimacy in marriage or whatever stage your relationship is in.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you improve physical intimacy in a relationship?
If you want to improve physical intimacy in a relationship, there are a number of different connection exercises for couples that you can try with your partner. Intimacy in a relationship is not something that just appears out of nowhere: it needs to be trained and tended throughout the course of the relationship. You need to make a conscious effort to connect with your partner, and connection exercises for couples are a great way to do that.
One way to feel connected and improve the intimacy in a relationship is to do a connection exercise involving eye contact. This is also sometimes called soul gazing. Basically, you commit to spend a length of time looking into your partner’s eyes. This prolonged eye contact is a great way to establish couples intimacy and can help couples to build a more intimate connection. Even though soul gazing and prolonged eye contact aren’t physical forms of intimacy, it’s a great jumping off point to reconnect with your partner if you’re new to connection exercises for couples.
Another great connection exercise is an extended cuddle time. This means that you set aside a length of time just to cuddle and embrace. While this is a physically intimate act, it doesn’t need to be s*xual. This connection exercise should focus on a way to reconnect with your partner physically. This way, you can feel connected on a level that isn’t purely s*xual. This sense of connectedness can often run deeper than a s*xual desire, and it is the foundation of an intimate relationship.
How do you build intimacy with your partner?
Intimate relationships are certainly something that must be built and maintained. If you want to build more of a connection in an intimate relationship, you should try some connection exercises for couples. One great connection exercise for intimacy for couples is to simply listen. You can listen together to the world around for a set amount of time, or simply listen actively to what your partner is saying. When you listen, hold eye contact with your partner. This is a way for couples to build intimacy, because it taps into their empathy. It’s much easier to reconnect with your partner when you’re committed to seeing things from each other’s perspectives.
How do I get intimacy with my husband?
In order to get intimacy with your husband, both you and your husband will both have to commit to working towards building intimacy together. It’s always a perfect day to start working towards intimacy together, but it’s also a team effort that can take quite a bit of time. This is the first thing you need to realize when you’re wanting to get intimacy with your husband.
If you want some professional help once you’re both agreed and willing to work towards deeper intimacy together, you should consider working with a relationship coach. A relationship coach will be able to help you through some connection exercises for couples. These connection exercises for couples will encourage you and your partner to find new ways to express intimacy to each other and help you to build up the trust and communication in your relationship.
What causes lack of intimacy?
Lack of intimacy usually springs from a breakdown in trust and communication in a relationship. This is true of relationships that were once intimate but are now experiencing a lack of intimacy. Another explanation for a lack of intimacy can also be that the relationship is still new and hasn’t had the time and experience to develop that intimacy. Remember, intimacy requires trust, lots of communication, and time to develop. Without all three of these things, your relationship will likely lack intimacy.
What are the 4 types of intimacy?
Intimacy is often broken down into four categories. They are:
Experiential intimacy: This refers to the bond that people have when they share experiences. It could be as minimal as watching a movie that you both love together and enjoying the other person’s reaction, all the way to the intimate bond formed when two people have similar traumatic experiences in common.
Emotional intimacy: This describes the intimacy that exists in a relationship where you feel comfortable and safe to share your feelings, without fear of judgment or retribution from the person that you’re sharing with.
Intellectual intimacy: This refers to the connection in a relationship where you feel free to express all of your opinions and ideas. It doesn’t matter if the person sharing with agrees or disagrees with you; you feel safe to share your ideas no matter what.
Sexual intimacy: This describes the intimacy of having s*x or doing sensual things with your partner. Sexual intimacy relies on feeling safe to express your desires, even when in close physical contact with your partner. While it involves physical touch, but not all physical touch is s*xual intimacy in a relationship. Likewise, not all s*x or sensuality is s*xual intimacy.
How do I talk to my husband about lack of intimacy?
If you want to open the subject of intimacy with your husband, the best way to do it is honestly, openly, and with listening ears. Remember, while it is important to articulate your own feelings about the intimacy in your relationship, it’s equally important to hear your partner’s side as well. This is because building up the intimacy in a relationship will require willingness and work from both of you.
So, go into that conversation with a list of the things that you want to mention, maybe a few questions to ask your partner, and plenty of time and willingness to listen and understand their perspective. This kind of active listening and intentional communication is already a step in the right direction if you’re looking to fix a lack of intimacy!
What are signs of intimacy issues?
One of the most glaring signs of a breakdown in an intimate relationship is when you avoid talking to your partner. You could be avoiding a specific subject or topic, or you could be avoiding talking to them at all. Whatever the case, this is a big issue in an intimate relationship. Intimacy building relies on trust, non-judgment, and open lines of communication. When you or your partner avoid talking, this is a sign of a breakdown in one or more of those three key elements which are necessary for couples to build intimacy.
Can a marriage survive without intimacy?
This is a question that a lot of couples ask when they’ve noticed a dip in the number of times per week they’re spending time together or having s*x. While a marriage can technically survive on paper without intimacy, it usually won’t be a great or fulfilling marriage.
What makes marriage attractive in the first place for many people is the idea that someone is committed to them, even though they know all about them. This kind of connection and commitment requires intimacy if it’s going to be a healthy and happy marriage. If you feel that your marriage has no intimacy, though, that’s not a reason to leave it or give up!
The bad news is that marriages can’t thrive without intimacy. The good news is that intimacy can be practiced and improved if both partners are willing to work together on it! You and your partner can practice connection exercises for couples. These connection exercises for couples will help you to build and restore the intimacy in your marriage. The connection exercises for couples will also be a great step towards improving your marriage in general.
Can intimacy be restored?
For most marriages, the good news is that intimate connection that you used to have in the relationship can usually be restored. However, it’s not something that happens magically overnight. It will take some work from you and your partner if you want to restore intimacy in your relationship. To win back that intimate connection in the relationship, you can try some intimacy exercises for couples. These exercises for couples are aimed specifically at building new ways to express intimacy in your relationship. The connection exercises for couples encourage great expressions of an intimate relationship, such as good eye contact, uninterrupted listening, and extended cuddle times so that you can get back to that amazing connection that you felt with your partner when you started dating for the first time.
How do I get more intimacy?
To get more intimacy in a marriage or committed relationship, there are several connection exercises for couples that you can try out. Most of them can be done at home a couple times per week. Each connection exercise usually involves a series of activities that will bring you closer physically and emotionally to your partner. These connection exercises for couples often include physical, though often non-s*xual, touch as a means of expressing any of the four types of intimacy. These connection exercises for couples also encourage using words and explanations to dig deeper into the intimate relationship. Using these connection exercises for couples a few times a week and being intentional about building a more intimate relationship with your partner is the most reliable way to get more intimacy.
