06/09/2024
Well hello, my friends! It’s been quite some time since the Lord has called me to blog. But, it seems as though this may be the start of the next leg of this journey with Him.
Today, I feel led to share with you about the experience I had when I went to California in late August of 2016. My goodness how time does fly! It’s difficult to believe that it’s been nearly eight years since the Lord gave me the dreams, instructing me to “get out of the boat,” so to speak, and go with Him to territories unknown!
I have wanted to share this with folks for quite some time. Apparently, this is the day. Many of you may remember that jaunt to Cali for me. I can tell you this; it most certainly was not, at all, what I thought it was going to be.
I had been following a church in Cali for a year or so and earlier in 2016 saw that they had an internship program. I was interested, but when I checked it out saw that it was for a significant period of time which I couldn’t justify. But God! This was His plan. Quite frankly, I couldn’t see how this would work financially. But then, in one of the dreams I had, the Lord made it clear that He was sending me there and He would take care of things financially. When I talked this over with my husband, he believed that this was what I was supposed to do, as well, but he said that we didn’t have the money for it. I told him of my dream and how the Lord said that He would take care of it. He prayed about it and told me to fill out the application. I did. And, within a day or so, I was accepted into the internship. If I remember correctly, this was in mid July.
I had to leave Arkansas at the tail end of August to be in Cali on the date I was expected to be there. I was so excited! I got things in order at the house in Arkansas and anticipated all that I would need in Cali. I was ready to go! The church I was going to be a part of made arrangements for me to rent a room at a church members home. The homeowner and I spoke over the phone and all was settled.
I arrived to be very surprised. This wasn’t at all what was explained to me. It was a nice home in appearance, but the house reeked of cat urine. I was there only 24 hours and had a horrendous headache from this. Also, the house was HOT. Oh, the a/c was on, but my room was about 90*! The combination of the two was not good. I had to force myself to talk to the folks at the church to ask if they had visited the home to see if it was ok to live there. Their answer was, “no.” The owner of the house had also informed me that she had a husband who had been kicked out of the house for punching holes in the walls and grabbing his own children by the throat and being abusive. She said she had a restraining order against him and was instructing me what to do in case he showed up there. This, added to the other issues was a “no go,” for me. I was then moved to another house with a husband and wife who were also members of the church. My rent was raised. I couldn’t believe this, but I just smiled and paid them. (Draino was left in the bathroom for me to get the hair out of the tub … along with cleaning the bathroom!)
I wasn’t at the house or the church long before I realized that something was totally amiss. I have to tell you that I had been very excited to be in a church that actually believed in the Holy Spirit’s presence and how He moved in people’s lives. In Arkansas, with the exception of a few, I had not been in churches like this.
What I found is that these folks were very controlling. It was as if they thought they were the Holy Spirit, Himself, and you did what they said, or else! I couldn’t understand this at all. I would go to the small chapel where we would go to pray. I sat down and began to pray and I would write down what I was saying to the Lord and also write down anything He was saying to me. I was told to stop it and to get up and wander around the room marching and carrying on like they were doing. I was told to stomp and march and many other things. I didn’t do it, not because I’m rebellious, but because the Holy Spirit wasn’t leading me to do these things. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing. To this day, I still write what I’m praying and hearing. When the Lord speaks to me, I write it down because I don’t always remember it if I don’t.
At the church, they would do things that were not even Biblical. I didn’t join in. I was then treated poorly because of this. There was no place in the Bible that supported the things they were doing. This was all about being controlled by the leadership. At one point, I was even stalked by one woman.
At the house where I rented, I had taken my own food. I was told I would have a place to keep my food, but it was never provided. They said we would all share. I thought that was ok but when I went to have a bowl of my cereal, it was all gone. I hadn’t even had but maybe one bowl. At this time, I didn’t say anything, but I slowly began to take my food to my room and keep it in my closet when they weren’t there. I didn’t want any trouble. I just chose to keep good, safe boundaries for myself. I had total and complete respect for them and their home. I lived my life as though I was under a microscope being watched at all times.
I was watched and spied on at this house. Things began to get very weird. They would look at the food I purchased and ridicule me for buying my own things literally as I walked into the house. I was told that because there were significant numbers of homeless people who roamed the streets, I needed to be cautious about anything I ordered because it would be stolen off of the porch. But then, they would leave the house with me being the only person there and leave the front door unlocked. This didn’t make any sense to me.
The pastor and his wife co-pastored this church. She was in charge of the interns and clearly stated that this wasn’t something that she wanted to do. (I later realized this was all about money for them.) From the first time I met her, she was not friendly or kind to me. In fact, she treated me terribly. At one point in front of the other interns, she called me a religious door mat simply because I answered her question of whether or not I had ever forgiven someone and not confronted them. My answer was, “Yes, I have forgiven someone without confronting them because I was doing what the Holy Spirit told me to do.” This woman began abusing me verbally in front of the other eleven interns whenever she had the opportunity. I could not understand what was going on. It was actually terrifying being two thousand miles from home, not knowing anyone, and being treated like this.
At some point, I began sharing these things with my mom and a trusted friend, Mary, my spiritual mom. I did this when I could from my car, but often there were times when I had conversations with them from the privacy of my room. Guess what happened then? The people in this house were apparently listening to me at the door and then told the pastor and his wife what I was sharing in my calls. How do I know this? A short time later the pastor would stare me down from the pulpit and literally threaten to kick me out of the internship while saying it in a passive aggressive way, pretending to speak it to the congregation.
Folks, this is spiritual abuse! This went on at the church and in the small groups I was required to attend. (Let me just say that I had also experienced this in churches in Arkansas, as well.)
Just because I worshipped God the way I did, which was different from them, didn’t, nor does it now make me a bad or religious person. In fact, it shows that they are the religious people. Does God require that we all, the entire world, stand, walk, praise, worship, etc. in exactly the same way, always? Absolutely not!! God isn’t that way. I happen to be a very animated and loud worshipper at times. There is nothing wrong with the way I worship God. I just happen to know who I am in Christ and will not be controlled or manipulated by a religious spirit.
My excitement about being at a church that wasn’t conservative had turned into a nightmare. I thought that I had missed God. I didn’t quite know what to do … except pray. My mom pleaded with me to come home, but the Holy Spirit wasn’t leading that way. In fact, He told me to quit the internship and stay in Cali, so I did. I pressed through to see what God had for me and, long story short, He connected me with two different ministries that I am still in touch with to this day. Fortunately, I was able to move to a studio apartment that was owned by a pastor and his wife. These folks were not only an answer to prayer, but they were a blessing. They treated me the way I would treat someone in this situation.
Looking back, I believe this was God’s plan all along. I know that may be difficult to believe. But, the reason I believe this is because a little more than a year ago, the Lord led me to a church here in NWA. At first, I was thrilled to be there. But then I began to see things that weren’t right. This church is no different than the church I had been at in Cali. I had shared a troubling time with the “care pastor’ at this church and asked her to agree with me in prayer about a very difficult situation I was in shortly after I began attending there and before I realized they were like the church in Cali. She began asking me all kinds of questions, prying into my life, asking questions that were none of her business. I felt as though she was attempting to gain some sort of control over me. She began telling me what I should and shouldn’t do, etc. I didn’t like this at all. Please know that I wasn’t being foolish. I just knew that I was supposed to be at this church and didn’t want to make any waves. I don’t have a problem being transparent with people. I have nothing to hide. After this conversation, she took my words, twisted them, and shared them with others at the church. I know because condemnation from the pulpit took place shortly thereafter. I guess these folks don’t believe that anyone but themselves can have wisdom and discernment from the Lord. I have wanted to leave the church for over a year, but, the Lord has not released me. I sit in the back and have watched people come and go from this church, like going through a revolving door. The only folks who stay are the ones who have given in to their control. I will not. I’ve even had a conversation with a young woman at this church who also has felt this way. God does not work this way … ever. I cannot begin to tell you the verbal abuses that have been shot towards me, this day included, simply because these folks have not gained control over me. Let me just state for the record that I’m not rebellious. I know that God wants me here and I want to be obedient to Him. Trust me, I will leave the moment He releases me.
Folks, if you have ever been treated like this in a church, know that this is not God and it is not His way! I know that many have been treated this way because so many people who I have spoken with over the years have shared their stories with me. Don’t let people like this keep you from a relationship with Jesus. In this world we live in now, things are no different than when Jesus walked on this planet as a man. I’ve been saying this for years! Back in the day, the religious people crucified Jesus for doing what our Heavenly Father led Him to do. The religious leaders of this day are no different! Oh, they won’t literally crucify you, but they will crucify you verbally from the pulpit, through gossip, or any way they can. And, what’s so sick about this is they have no problem whatsoever doing this. It’s very difficult for me to understand.
Just remember that this life is but a v***r compared to eternity. (James 4:14) What’s important is your relationship with the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ. Remember His words, “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, except through me.” John 14:6 Look to Jesus for salvation, for help, for friendship, for everything. He is the Way!
Angie Bilyeu 6.9.2024
