18/01/2024
THE DAY I THOUGHT OF SU***DE
Growing up was through a poor and tough background, abused verbally and mentally tortured yet suicidal thoughts never came along even as a child. “I can’t kill myself” will always summaries my determination to face problems I found myself.
I was the kind of kid who will repeat a particular mistake severally and not have a reason why, I was that annoying and carefree. Losing mum exposed all my weaknesses as I was left at the mercy of extended family. Accused and named of things I can’t say or even know clearly about, reminded daily of my woes and my weaknesses sang as chorus, yet depression had no grip on this soul, the childlike nature will always bloom up joy within. From the pain, writing of poem was born.
As time went by, things improved though the damage was done, the university brought life and a new spark, so much fun and freedom but with a price. It was my second semester in 300L, house rent was due, school fees was yet to be paid, I also just had an argument with my sole sponsor about my rent; the timing was outside her schedule. The portal was open and the second part of my fees was already tempered with having received it earlier before the portal was opened, it was tampered with for feeding.
The remaining part of the fees was almost exhausted as I tried resisting for a day or two not to touch the fee again for feeding while trying to sort out the remaining part to balance. Left hungry for the past two days or there about, frustrated for no response and means to sort my fees; Who will I reach out to? Am I dropping out just at the brink of my final year? Where will I live now that my rent is already due and worst of all… I am very hungry.
Having stayed indoor all day and thinking; “Why not just kill yourself so that all these people who are not caring about you will understand what you are going through” was the thinking in my head, it seemed to make sense because I couldn’t even eat or have a means at the point. But, what of the entire struggle to get to where I have been, what of my beautiful poems not yet heard and my good sides not yet seen?
Guess what? Abruptly, I picked up my shirt and with short, carried my ATM Card, withdrew that last 2k from my fees, bought Afang soup at the nearest restaurant, 1 plate with extra, bought food stuffs with the balance and made soup that evening. Two years down the line, depression and suicidal thought is no where to be found.
After eating very well that evening, I was able to lighten up, sorted out my fees through the assistance of two of my colleagues and other comrades, got a loan for food stuff and joined a neighbor in the lodge until graduating.
My case is just so little compared to what so many other students are going through, I have heard students tell their stories and I that was feeling as mine was worst will be gladdened that mine is better. The Nigerian system is not fair to so many yet Nigerians smile on the outside as if they are facing nothing. People go days without food and pretend as if nothing is happening, I went just few days without hope and I was already thinking outside the normal.
The world need help, you can be that help, your little cousin in Uniuyo or AKSU may change the story of your children because of the 1k you sent to him in school, reach-out to someone you know your 1k or 2k can help and assist them, they don’t need to ask.
Thank you for reading and sharing in this story, if it made sense in anyway to you, please share and follow up for more stories on this handle every Thursday.
